The layman’s guide to omnicompetence

I’ve realised that there are a bunch of basic skills that every Indian boy or girl should master as early as they can in life. Representation pic

I've never read Robert Heinlein but when I was a teenager I was swept away by a quotation attributed to one of his characters, Lazarus Long, in Time Enough for Love -

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly."

At age 10, everything on that list sounded thrilling, romantic or heroic. Maybe not everything. I didn't want to die gallantly; living forever would have been nice. But I didn't know anyone who was a great father, a great warrior, wasn't scared of blood, could make words rhyme and make a great meal. And boy, I wanted to be like that.

Everyone dreams of having a superpower like X-ray vision or flying faster than a speeding bullet but most of us would settle for even just being a Batman, a mere human being at the peak of their physical, emotional and intellectual powers. Like Einstein, Mother Teresa and Usain Bolt rolled into one. Why else do we work out so much and do Sudoku obsessively?

I'm a lot older now and I still can't plan an invasion, butcher a hog, con a ship or design a building. I don't want to build any walls, be ordered about, fight efficiently or die gallantly. However, I've realised that there are a bunch of basic skills that every Indian boy or girl should master as early as they can in life.

1. How to make dal: Mung, tuvar, urad, rajma, chana, chhole. Knowing which ones need soaking, which ones need no more than just salt, hing and ghee, how many whistles for a rajma and how long to boil mung. Each dal is a life lesson.

2. How to chop an onion: Your eyes will burn and water. But the pro knows how to stay dry-eyed and chop an onion with all fingers intact at the end. There are at least three distinct hacks, all google-able.

3. How to greet an infant: 99 out of 100 people have no clue. Children don't like strangers; they just want their mommies. So never pick up a child without her permission. The trick is to let them touch you first. And never go coochycoo. It's so - adult.

4. How to make at least 10 kinds of knots: Why? Because you have no clue. Each time you learn a new knot, millions of new neurons grow in your rusty old brain.

5. How to speak a second international language: That's assuming you can speak a first. For most Indians, it would be English, after their mother tongue. You don't have to be perfect, but as soon as possible, go for French or Spanish. Same reason: new neurons.

6. How to iron a shirt: Because it's a basic life skill. Because shirts are awfully difficult to fold. Because you get lovely steam irons. And because it's not her job.

7. How to know when a woman is saying no: Trust me, learning to read the signs that mean "Not now" is the secret to a long and (more or less) happy life with someone else.

8. How to peel an egg: This obviously includes how to boil it first. Do you know the 8 minutes - 11 minutes trick? Go Google it. And don't peel with your nails, do it with the side of your thumb.

9. How to question a fact: This is a no-brainer, pun totally intended. You don't learn this at school or college. If you don't do something about it, you will grow up into a social idiot who believes anything they hear and struts like a know-it-all dude.

10. How to save someone's life: Better than fighting efficiently and dying gallantly. It includes how to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, do CPR (cardio-pulmonary resuscitation), how to staunch bleeding, how to donate blood.

11. How to stay in touch: I don't mean a WhatsApp message or a Facebook birthday wish. Having someone on your mind is profoundly different from letting them know they're on your mind. Ask someone of 50 or 60 how many close friends they've lost since childhood and you'll know what I mean. Learn to let people know you cherish them - or watch them drift away.

12. How to make do with less: East less, drink less, don't try to be everybody's friend. But why? Because nothing makes more sense in a world with disappearing resources. And one for the road.

13. Don't specialise: No matter how much everyone insists. As Robert Heinlein put it succinctly: "Specialization is for insects."

Here, viewed from there. C Y Gopinath, in Bangkok, throws unique light and shadows on Mumbai, the city that raised him. You can reach him at cygopi@gmail.com

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The views expressed in this column are the individual's and don't represent those of the paper.