Taste the Tandav

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Arnab called me.

"Why don't you WhatsApp me instead? One doesn't know who's listening," I said.

"Can't WhatsApp, don't know who's reading," he retorted.

"Okay, what's up?" I asked.

"I have some ‘garam' gossip. Virat Kohli is pissed that the limelight has shifted from him to all the young guns, after our Oz win," he informed.

"How do you know? Did he tweet you from the Breach Candy Hospital?" I asked.

"Can't divulge. Ok, forget cricket, let's shift to entertainment. Your thoughts on Tandav?" he enquired.

"Does the nation want to know or do you?" I queried.

"How can the nation want to know, when I myself am in hiding in Noida?" he asked.

"Fair point. In my opinion, Tandav is a decent political thriller. Flawed for sure. Not a patch on Pataal Lok. But, it's bingeworthy. I saw all nine episodes in one sitting - the writing is tight in bits. Saif puts in a solid performance, there's absolutely nothing objectionable about the show," I said.

"So, what's the real reason for all the FIRs, ‘hurt sentiments', ‘cut out all the controversial bits' drama that's been created? Why are all these ‘mantris' and ‘netas' going bananas?" he asked.

"You mean, apart from the fact that they have nothing better to do and want to distract us from their incompetence?" I asked.

"Yes," he said.

"Well, if you ask me, they're pissed off, because they truly want to live the political life depicted in the web series and it's just not possible," I explained.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Arnab janaab, in which Vidhan Sabha or Parliament in the world, let alone India, do defence ministers dress like they've stepped off a ramp in Lakme Fashion Week, or drink single malt through the day, or demand supari killings on speed dial with no fear of WhatsApp tracking or CBI grilling, or snort coke at will, or stride around the corridors of power in slow motion. In reality, they have to ride in non-AC Ambassadors without a revolving red light, over dusty roads," I elaborated.

"So, you think Season 2 should be different?" he asked.

"I don't know," I began.

"I've already sent my proposal of season 2 to MIB," he announced.

"MIB? Men In Black?" I asked.

"No, Ministry of Information & Broadcasting," he corrected.

"Shouldn't you be narrating to Amazon Prime?" I asked.

"No point. All the OTTs are now under MIB, so why waste time? Get the approvals from the source, I say," he said.

"What's the story, in a single para?" I asked.

"Okay, so Tandav Season 2, has a different world and premise. It's set in a news channel, the hero, ArreyNo GoSlimy is a brave TV anchor, breaking stories before anyone else, taking on the powers-that-be.
His antagonist is a feisty female, social media influencer, Tweety Instagramani, who is out to get him, fully expose him," he explained.

"Okay, so who's playing the two leads?" I asked.

"ArreyNo GoSlimy, I'm suggesting should be played by Hrithik Roshan and Tweety by Kangana Ranaut. But first, they have to finish their ‘Krissh' saga," he said.

"Krissh…they're making another film in the superhero franchise?" I asked.

"Not movie. Krissh stands for ‘Kangana Ranaut is suing and slamming Hrithik."

"Ah ok. So, when do you think you will begin shooting for Tandav Season 2?" I asked.

"When I'm done with all this BARC stuff!" he said.

"Ah BARC, that's Broadcast Audience Research Council," I said.

"No no. For most people BARC is Balakot Arrest Republic Chief," he said.

"Ok, so what's BARC to you?" I enquired.

"For me, BARC stands for Bechara Arnab Running (from) Cops," he concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com