Rooh-Afza with Rahul

Illustration/Uday Mohite

As you know dear reader, I am a leading producer of Hindi feature films.
Two current events have inspired me to produce a spate of sports dramas, and biopics.
1. We're rocking at the Birmingham Commonwealth Games, in hitherto unheralded and unknown sports.
2. 75 ‘rustic games and activities' have been added to schools, in the ‘Bharatiya sports' scheme.
So, my bouquet of sports movies that will roll out are the following - a mix of drama, black comedy, spoof and historical

Langdi Singh Chaddha (or ‘Leg-aan')

The lead character, Langdi Singh Chaddha, lives in a village, where all the citizens walk on one leg (utilising both legs is considered blasphemy).
One day Chaddha, accidentally stubs his toe on a tree stump and is forced to use both legs.
People are shocked at this outrage.
The head of the Panchayat, Bully Bachchan, labels him a traitor, an outcast and begins a #BoycottLangdi backlash - Bully Bachchan tells Langdi the only way to regain honour, and prove his patriotism, is for him to go to Pakistan with a team of ‘Langdi-ites', beat them on their home ground and come back winners.
Langdi leads and trains a five member team comprising himself, Short Leg, Fine Leg, Leg Slip and Lego - After a nail biting climax, Langdi and his team return victorious.
(Side tidbit - Aamir Khan and I are in court for rights on the title. He believes Langdi Singh Chaddha is too close to the title of his forthcoming release. So, I may have to opt for my Plan B title, Leg-aan).

Lift KaraTe

In a small town in Gorakhpur, a widow lives with her six children - Sudoko, Judoko, Ludoko, MatRoko, KhoKho and Phenko.
One day, she meets a widower who has four kids of his own - Gili, Yubi, Lakpi, and BestOfLakpi.
How the ten children, each with his own sports obsession, live together is the crux of my tale.

Bowl Baby Bol

Now that four of our ladies have won gold in this hitherto unknown game called Lawn Bowls, and women from all over the country are playing it, I'm making a movie titled "Bowl Baby Bol", starring Bhumi Pednekar, Neena Gupta, Tabu and Mumtaz (her comeback role) - it is being shot as we speak. Bhumi plays a "I'm done with my annoying husband" wife from Satara, Neena, a master chef from Cuttack, Tabu an Urdu teacher from Jammu and Mumtaz a socialite from Cuffe Parade, Madhuri Dixit has an itemnumber called "Bol Bol Bowl, Tu hai mera soul, soul, soul."
(Side tidbit - Hema Malini refused me, saying she didn't want to play older roles.)

Raja Mantri Chor Sipahi

This is a 1980s Manmohan Desai style lost-and-found drama.
Durgabai (actress still being cast) has quadruplets. One day on her way to the market, somehow she loses all four.
Cut to 25 years later, the four kids separated and grown up, becoming Raja, mantri, chor and sipahi. The kicker is that John Abraham plays the lead part. Four John Abrahams for the price of one, will soon be streaming live at Rs 499 on Prime.

Vish-Amrit

So as you are aware, superhero films are in - Brahmastra is set for Sept. But, my dream is to create India's first child Sports Superhero, "Vish Amrit". So what's "vish amrit", you're asking? It's a game loved by 3-12 year olds, where players of one team run after players of another team and give them "vish" (poison). As soon as "vish" is given, the person stays there until teammates come to give him/her "amrit" (antidote). Cool huh? I'm planning a massive eight-part extravaganza, where my child superhero has two avatars, the dark, "vish" side contrasted with the light "amrit" part.
And so I must leave you, dear reader, my celeb talk show ‘ROOH-AFZA WITH RAHUL' begins in an hour, I must go get my make-up done.
See you here, same place, same space.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com