Patriotic Pathaan

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Raja Andhayug was furious. "Yeh kya ho raha hai," he roared. "Entire nation - and the world - is booking tickets to see Pathaan, starring Shah Rukh Khan! What nonsense. How can everyone go crazy over a hero from a certain community?" Guru Tamasoma tried to appease him. "Don't worry, your Highness, we are all doing our best. Now the Delhi High Court has demanded that the producer Yash Raj Films must make inclusive audio description, subtitles and closed captions for blind and deaf audiences and re-submit it to the Censor Board. They had already got Censor Board clearance, and now have just three days before a big global release on January 25, so we will see how they manage, heh heh!" He knew that although the ruling is for the OTT release, usually, the subtitling is done just once, before release on all platforms.

Vidhushak the court jester cautioned them, "Your Highness, it is imperative the Rights of Persons with Disabilities Act, 2016 be implemented. But India made about 2,446 feature films pre-Covid in 2019, and if we insist on implementation of disability rights for only one film with a hero from a certain community, we will be a laughing stock. Shouldn't the laws apply to all Indian films?" Guru Tamasoma interjected. "Nonsense, Vidhushak! Apna khaas, Vivek Agnihotri, has re-released The Kashmir Files on January 19, just before Pathaan, so there is no question of troubling him or any other gomutra-guzzling pavitra filmmaker." "But if only Pathaan has inclusive options, then the differently abled will watch Pathaan, but can't see all the other pavitra filmmakers' films," Vidhushak insisted. "Shiva Shiva Shiva, you're always saying such ashubh things. I'll have to pour gomutra in my ears now to purify them," the guru said.

"Have you seen the Pathaan trailer, Your Highness?" Vidhushak asked the king. "I don't have time to see films starring members of a certain community," Raja Andhayug snorted. "Then let me update you," Vidhushak replied. "In the trailer of the film - producer Yash Raj Films and director Siddharth Anand are both from the majority community - Shah Rukh Khan says, ‘A soldier does not ask what his country can do for him. He asks, what he can do for his country… Jai Hind'. So he is an absolutely patriotic character. And the public knows this too. So be careful." The raja and the guru were thoroughly confused by this googly.

"Don't worry Your Highness, we are acting on many fronts," Guru Tamasoma assured the king. "We have been harassing his family since 2021, when we got his son Aryan Khan, 25, arrested on charges of possessing drugs, and he spent nearly a month in jail - heh heh - before the Bombay High Court granted him bail, and the Narcotics Control Bureau itself gave him a clean chit last year, as both found no evidence of the charges at all. Now the Madhya Pradesh home minister Narottam Mishra has threatened to block the film's release because he was offended by the colour of Deepika Padukone's bikini. We are also closely copying the minority community's formula of the Taliban in Afghanistan and mullahs in Pakistan - they ban films even after they are cleared by the Censor Board, or shut down theatres. Our Avimukteshwaranand Saraswati has already created a carbon copy Dharma Censor Board, heh heh!"

Meanwhile, Raja Andhayug exploded on learning that his queen Rani Shanti Devi had already done first-day-first-show block booking for Pathaan for her entire ladies' gang. "You are anti-national," the Raja screamed. "But I'm not taking you with my friends anyway, darling," the Queen sweetly replied. She had already seen every film of Shah Rukh Khan and Fawad Khan, and gaily sauntered out of the court.

Meenakshi Shedde is India and South Asia Delegate to the Berlin International Film Festival, National Award-winning critic, curator to festivals worldwide and journalist.
Reach her at meenakshi.shedde@mid-day.com