Ministry for interpersonal relationships

A lot of ministers across party lines—all male, for some mysterious and no doubt unrelated reason—have long believed that something needs to be done to address the issue of girls eloping for marriage. Representation pic

I have always admired the government of our neighbouring state for all kinds of things, and routinely fail to understand why so many naysayers label it one of the worst-managed places in India. They use all kinds of statistics and figures to boost their argument, throwing around terms like ‘human development index' and ‘global hunger index' that mean nothing to most of us. I am of the firm opinion that statistics are false unless they come to me via WhatsApp or from the Prime Minister's Twitter handle. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this.

Consider this ridiculous report from 2022, for instance, allegedly from some institution calling itself the Harvard Centre for Population and Development Studies. It reportedly assessed Indian states and districts on the POSHAN Abhiyan aimed at improving the nutritional status of pregnant women, adolescent girls, lactating mothers and children under six and found that Gujarat had the lowest rank at 28. Firstly, does an institution like Harvard have any more credibility than, say, Gujarat University? I doubt it. Second, must we look at malnutrition when a state should be evaluated on more important parameters, such as the number of roads or bridges inaugurated there? Luckily, no major news channel in India wasted much space on this trivial report, which is why I ignored it too.

There have also been murmurs about inconsequential things like Gujarat's rank on social indicators, but if the state really was as awful as so many people say it is, would thousands of its residents desperately want to leave it for the West? Who amongst us has ever heard of anyone from Gujarat wanting to migrate to America or the UK? The very thought is absurd, which is why I laugh at these reports and dismiss them as propaganda paid for by less successful Indian states. No one wants to leave Gujarat because that's where all the best ideas come from.

This column isn't about the greatness of Gujarat though, because that topic could fill a public library or two. It is about the intelligence of the state's ministers because everyone knows they are the most educated and qualified politicians in India. One of these erudite men recently said that his government would study if parental approval could be made mandatory for all love marriages. Apparently, a lot of ministers across party lines - all male, for some mysterious and no doubt unrelated reason - have long believed that something needs to be done to address the issue of girls eloping for marriage. There has been a demand for some kind of system where the consent of parents is crucial. They believe that making parental approval mandatory will reduce the state's crime rate.

At first, I was surprised that a crime rate even existed. Criminals from Gujarat? Who would have thought it possible? I quickly moved from surprise to awe though, at the possibility of government control when it comes to deciding whom we can and cannot marry. I believe the Bombay underworld of the 1980s and 1990s would have ceased to exist decades ago if our state government had a better handle on girls eloping within our borders. It is testament to the intelligence of those neighbouring ministers that they have hit upon a method of controlling crime yet to be tabled at the United Nations. Why has no one else hit upon this masterstroke before?

I look forward to the announcement of what will presumably be a new Ministry of Interpersonal Relationships or something similar, and intend to enthusiastically track how it goes about its important business. I believe this should be the first step towards a truly symbiotic arrangement between citizens and government. Imagine if you will, a few years from now, young men and women sending their personal information to this new ministry, then sitting through a formal examination and round of interviews conducted by government-appointed officers, who will then vet them for compatibility and make sure they are marrying the right kind of partners before handing them over to their parents for a final stamp of approval.

The government should also consider following up on these officially approved marriages, to make sure the couples eventually permitted to wed are being physically intimate according to prescribed rules and regulations too. Why stop at just marriage when they can control what happens after the ceremony as well? Perhaps a new law against sex on the chief minister's birthday, for instance, to ensure there are only pure thoughts circulating throughout the state?

When he isn't ranting about all things Mumbai, Lindsay Pereira can be almost sweet. He tweets @lindsaypereira

Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com

The views expressed in this column are the individual's and don't represent those of the paper