Lobo Lobovsky and the Sputnik V

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Outside my door stood a blond man with a cape and a handlebar moustache. "Yes, can I help you?," I asked this strange looking comic book character. "Mr Dikunyevsky, kak dela?" the man announced in a strange suspect accent.

I looked closer. "Lobo Lobo is that you? Why do you look like a combo of Mogambo and Mandrake the Magician, and what is that weird accent?"

"De name is Lobo Lobovsky, and I spik weed a Raashian accent, Mr Dikunyakovich!"the blond, caped man said.

"Russian? What…why do you have a Russian accent?"

"Lyet me istart at the beginning...so ass you know ja, de Rasshian vaccine is here een Eendia, you kyow dat, ja, Mr Dikunyatrotsy? It's called ‘Sputnik V'."

"Yes, I wondered why they named their vaccine after an artificial satellite - anyway, it is to be the third option after Covishield and Covaxin."

"Yes, Mr Dikuneski, such boring medicinal names, the two names should haff been more dramatic. So anyways I was explyaining to you, de Raashian Govt insisted I took ze Sputnik V jab, what dey deed not warn me, it hyas certain side effects - you gyet a Rashian accent, your hair becomes wachyocall, blonde, and you turn into a Rashian Supervillain, like Thanos in Marvel Comics."

"Oh wow Mr Lobovsky, as a supervillain, what are you planning on destroying?"

"See Mr Dikunedvedev, I'm not a destroyer, I'm a creator, I'm a good supervillain, I weel let you into my plans - eef you tek one dose of ze Spunik jab you get immunised, if you geyt injected twice, you become an inventor and I haff becum an inventor…a supervillain inventor"

"What kind of inventor?"

"Ahahahhha Mr Dikyyavich, if I tell eu, I fill hav to kill you…hheehhe. Let me teyll eu…as you well know, de need of de hour is oxygen. You see I yem making de oxygen out of all kinds of dem gases. I am concocting oxygen out of de nitrogen, I store it in fery fery beeg turbines. Den I am making oxygen out of carbon monoxide, I hire people to follow dese trucks and auto rikhshaws, and dey have to collect de CO!"

"But Mr Lobo Lobovich isn't CO a poisonous gas?"

"You see men Mr Dikunokov, CO isn't just poisonous, it is an odourless, colourless gas too."

"Sorry, Mr Lobovich, I'm confused. Are you trying to convert CO to O2? That is even more absurd than N to O2; you're trying to convert a poisonous gas to oxygen. It will kill people instead of reviving them!"

"Nyet nyet nyet, ja…you heff myissed de point…I am not trying to make de CO into O2 for de Covid patients, eet ees de intention of de Rassians and all of us, Sputnikovians to kill the COVID virus wid de CO vaccine. We have a maaach maach beeger plan… Got eet? So we are producing small small mini CO Sputniks….dey will be let out into de air and dey will go after de small invisible COVID viruses. It feel be open war in de skies, Mr Dikunatrotsky. CO will destroy COVID. Brilliant yes, Mr Dikutin?"

And with that Lobo Lobo let out a loud prolonged Premnath laugh.

"Shyall I tell you a joke da, men, Mr Dikmunov?"

"Sure," I said."

"Wachyoucall a vaccine personally produced by the Russian Prezzie?"

"No idea."

"S-putin-nik," he said, and Lobo Lobovsky guffawed with all the fervour of a man used to laughing solely at his own wit.

"Daswidanya Mr Dikunamanya," he said and flew out of my window.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com