Lobo Lobo’s ladies

Illustration/Devdutt Pattanaik

Lobo Lobo, came over, distraught.

"Hey Dikuna men, I have a big problem, ya… I donno wot to do."

"Calm down, and tell me ‘aaram se'."

"You see Dikuna men, I was tinking of my retirement years, sitting on Palolem beach and sipping some feni and watching de sunsets. Instead now we have Goa civil war in my house oni."

"Move on, Lobo Lobo," I urged.

"See men, let me toda toda, go backwards and esplain - my better-half Myrtle has started a small restaurant in Virar called YUM YUM YUMMY YA! She serves all Goan dishes, and some Mangalorean type starters also, beef xacuti, poke vindaloo, prawn curry rice, fish recheado, chicken cafreal.

"Sounds wonderful… so, what's the catch?"

"Eveyting was fine and dandy, till last week."

"What happened last week, Lobo Lobo?"

"So Boss, de Mumbai Metro work peepuls, dey dug one number tunnel below our restaurant. Lo and behold, dey have discovered de remains of anudder restaurant! Built around over a century ago."

"Wow that's amazing! But how do they know it was a restaurant?"

"Dey found an old menu card."

"Wow that's insane!"

"But most important, hold your breat… dey also discovered a seekh kebab!"

"A what??"

"A 101-year-old seekh kebab."

"How could they tell it was a seekh kebab?"

"It was shaped long, wid a skewer trew it."

"So what's the problem?"

"It was green and all!"

"Green? Why was it green? Because of the mold, I'm guessing? I expect a 101- year-old seekh kebab is bound to be mouldy."

"No no no men, they had it tested… the results indicate that the greenness was not because of the mouldiness."

"Then what?"

"It is not a mutton seekh kebab or a beef kebab… it is not even a chicken seekh kebab… but, it is the worse possible... it is a vegetarian one. That's wat is bothering my Myrtle, it is a veg seekh kebab!"

"A hara bara kebab?"

"No men, not dat also!"

"I'm assuming that YUM YUM YUMMY YA! doesn't serve any vegetables?"

"Of course Dikuna, dere are some potatoes in de poke vindaloo."

"So what's the issue, get to the point, Lobo Lobo."

"You see, inside dis ancient restaurant, dere were some roots that had grown from below… dere are small, small fruit trees in de restaurant itself. Some remains indicate dat dis place served plant based food?"

"Oh my word, you're telling me there was a vegan restaurant dating back to the early 1920s here in Bombay, that too underground??"

"Yes, but Dikuna men, the tension dosent end dere! See my dotter, Clementine, she is one of dose wachyoucall men… she gives us big big lechures,
not to eat dairy products… must oni eat ghass-poos, all all plant based shtuff."

"Yes vegans… they tend to be very uhm... earnest and persuasive."

"So Clementine is now trowing one fit, she is fighting wid her mudder, she is saying dat a 101-year-old vegan restaurant below us is a sign... it is a miracle… we must change de Goan food style restaurant to plant- based and she wants to be de owner! Mudder and dotter are at war for ownership and choice of cuisine and I'm toh in de middle of it. Che!"

"Oh my God, that's opposite sides of the fence… Chorizo vs Chia seeds… Legumes vs Lobsters. Serious strife man, Lobo Lobo! What's the resolution?"

"So my brudder Eusebio has found one solution… he is seeking world peace betwin mudder and dotter. He's suggesting we divide de place. Half can prepare and serve vindaloo and such type food, and de udder half will be focusing on veganism and all, separate separate kitchens."

"So I'm guessing that if Myrtle and Clemetine find a middle ground and the restaurant will be serving half pork style and half plant based, it will have to be renamed, right?"

"Dikuna men, you are right…many names are being tought of - the restaurant name that is finding favour is: YUM YUM YUMMY YA SOYA!"

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com