Lobo Lobo won’t apologise

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over. He looked stubborn, he looked forlorn, he looked combative… he was also carrying a huge amount of luggage.

"Is everything okay, Lobo Lobo?" I asked rhetorically.

"Wot men, bleddy hell…nutting is fine I'm damn ball ragged."

"Care to explain what ails you this bright Sunday morning?"

"What is so bright about dis Sunday morning… our Lord was able to rest on de sevent day, but for me I have to look for accommodation chhe."

"Why you're the general secretary of your society, surely you have a flat."

"See men, because of my long-standing service to de building, dey had given me a flat, now dey are saying I have been ‘disqualified' and are forcing me to vacate it!"

"This is all very confusing… Lobo Lobo, can you begin at the very beginning."

"Okay… dats a fair request… as you are well aware, I live in Chandamama Co-operative Housing Society in Virar men, so in our managing committee, dere are some corrupt peepuls, two in particular, de treasurer, Paritiosh Rokdawalla, fat bugger he is, jeweller like, all all feku diamonds he exports, he has ‘gapchaoed' so much moolah, he's hand on glove wid be chairman. One more, corrupt fallow, Champak Jhunjunwalla, anudder Gujju chappie, makes ladis hosiery and lingerie, typical lecherous bugger..., side by side dey are, dey run de building as dey pleeze, I alone men, stand in dere way, I am de fly in de whachyocall toothpaste…"

"Ointment."

"Yess ezzactly, dey want to me out… by hook or by crooks! So lass Sunday, dey got dere opptunity, our holiness Fadder Augustino aksed me to give de parisioners a sermon, so I gave one lecchur about corruption, and ‘ow it is pulling our society down… now I was not aware onie, de two Chandamama villains had sent dere spies to de church, so when dey herd me say our society is getting ruined by corruption, dey jumped to de conclusion dat I was referring to our bilding society."

"Whereas you were referring to corruption in the Indian society at large."

"Yes men, ezzactly," Lobo Lobo said, crestfallen.

"Den dose spies went back and fed to Rokdawalla and Jhunjunwalla all all lies about me, 'ow I'm spreading slander and inside info about de building to de outside world, dey are calling me ‘Gadda'… why dey calling me a donkey?"

"Uhm… I feel it's not ‘Gadda' but ‘Gadhaar' they're calling you, which means traitor."

"Uffff… Dere lawyers ‘ave sent men a legal notice for defamation, want to send me to jail for two years and all… so in de meantime dey can ‘ave fun and finish off all de trust fund."

"What will you do?"

"See Dikuna men, by society law dey ‘ad to have a general body meeting, to decide my fate, which dey did. Every member voted, except me coz I was disqualified. De consensus dose ‘ullus came to was aksing me to say sorry. Bossie, dey were demanding me, me Thelonious Marcellus Lobo to say sorry, den dey will reconsider."

"So it's easy, my friend, swallow your pride, and just apologise... what do you have to lose…just utter a five letter word, SORRY," I suggested.

My cable TV man took a breath and launched forth.

"I will never back down, Dikuna men. I am not some airy fairy, we come from a long line of Lobos. My great grandfather, Terrence Magellan Lobo was a pirate who sailed the high seas, my grandfather was a boxer, he once competed with Muhammed Ali, who are dese two bit peepuls to judge me. How bleddy dey dare make me to apolgise for wot, if dey want a battle I'm on, aa jao maiden main, come backadda church and I'll show you!"

"What are you planning to do?" I asked fearfully.

"I'm going to de BMC… telling to come check our accounts, our books, if I'm going down, I'm taking Rokdawalla and Jhunjunwalla wid me!"

"And in de meantime, Lobo Lobo where will you stay?"

"Myrtle and de kids have gone to her mudders, and I tought I would stay wid you if dats ok?"

"Uhm actually, Lobo Lobo, it may be a slight problem."

"Tanks men, I really appreciate... I will fix your TV free of cost, I'll only stay for one-two months."

And with that Lobo Lobo came to stay.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com