Lobo Lobo in space

Illustration/Uday Mohite

The doorbell rang, in front of me stood an astronaut.

"Yes, can I help you?"I enquired of the astronaut.

The astronaut began flailing his arms, first gently, then with a tad more fervour.

"Uhm I'm sorry, I don't know what you're saying. Are you Neil Armstrong? Buzz Aldrin?" I asked, concerned.

The flailing continued, as the astronaut fell to the floor, indicating quite clearly that he needed his helmet removed.

I pulled at the helmet, which revealed a suffocating Lobo Lobo.

"Wot Dikuna men bloody can't understand wot I'm saying oh wot? I can't breeed ony…telling and telling you to help me remove dis dashed head ting."

"Okay, calm down, and tell me, why are you wearing this? What is it exactly?"

"It is an astronaut's outfit, you can't see or what chhe? Stitched by my own Myrtle…nice na?

"Why, Lobo Lobo are you dressed in it, are you going to a fancy dress party?"

Lobo Lobo announced firmly, "See Bossie, I am leading Mumbai's efforts to go to space. All dese peepuls, dat Bronson blighter, dat udder fallow, Tesla men... aaahhhh Muska Elon and finally Mr Amazon wid his Blue Origin, Jeff Becoz."

"Bezos," I corrected

"Becoz… Bezos… same difference, dey tink bezos dey have de moolah, dey have all dese big big plans men. Bronson wid his Galactic tingy, he got dere fust, no doubt it is a very proud achievement, but I want to prove dat I can also build a space ship and go where no man has gone before - like Sunday mornings in de 1970s on Doordarshan...wochyoucall dat programme, ah Star Trek wid da big big eared chappie… wassisname ya… Dr Speck …Dr Shock… Dr Tik Tok… Dr Dock…don't tell me… aaah, Spock... yes Dr Spock."

"Impressive! So has ISRO given you this contract to build a spaceship on the nation's behalf?"

"Why should ISRO give me de contract. Wot he has to do with dis mission?"

"Lobo Lobo...ISRO. It's the Indian Space Research Organisation, they have to give the go-ahead."

"Ah dat ISRO… no no I tought you meant de udder ISRO… ‘Ignatius Saldanha's Rock Orbiters'. Dey are Virar's leading wedding band, dey play all dose hits Birdy Dance, Achy Breaky Heart and dey are socko popular for singing Bollywood Hits in Konkani - See Mr Rahul, dis is my private project, nutting to do wid de nation, it is totally to do wid our side, Navi Mumbai."

"Okay, what's the plan, is the government paying you?"

"See men Bossie, please to get your facts right, Bronson and Becoz and Mr Muska are paying foe dere own projects."

"How do you intend to fund such an expensive proposition?"

"Okay, see my brudder-in-law, Clyde Pimenta, you've heard of him, deadly mechanic men, he has a auto garage in Dahisar, called Bonnet & Clyde. He built a Ferrari for dat actor Shakti Kapoor only using spare parts. So he's making me a rocket - VSS Big MAMA I'm calling it."

"Why are you calling the spaceship after your mother?"

"No no not mudder, actually it's my wife and sas-in-law - MAMA stands for Myrtle Andrade Mabel Antao. I am naming it after dem, becoz dey sold all dere jewellery for de project!"

"Right. So, where's the first voyage into space going to be to?"

"Dikuna men, you don't understand, I don't want to go to de Moon or Mars or wachyoucall de smallest planet... aaah Pluto... see dis is my plan - we want to take Navi Mumbai peepuls by rocket, to places no man here has been before."

"So, where are these places, Lobo Lobo?" "Arre simple, Dikuna men, dere is only one place dat peepuls from New Bombay have never been before in dere lives!"

"And where is that, Lobo Lobo?"

"Arrey men, where else but SoBo, Sout Mumbai!" he concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com