Lobo Lobo, fuss day, fuss show, frent row

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo, my cable TV guy came over last Friday night, he rang my doorbell incessantly - finally when I opened the door, he looked like the Superman of energy. He had his chest sticking out, his eyes were popping out of their sockets… he strode through my door, in slow motion, then stuck out his right foot and yelled at me menacingly.

"Lick my shoe!"

‘Uhm Lobo Lobo… sure but what's happening?" I asked a tad frightened.

"This is just the beginning… I have a lot left to do," he growled.

‘Uhm wanna explain...

"I am Alpha-male, got it… I'm the ultimate masculine man." He attempted to walk through a glass door, hoping it would shatter, but it didn't.

"Lobo Lobo, what's going on?"

"Chill down, chillax, I'm just syching you, Dikuna men. I just saw dat ‘Animal' piccher men, I was uttering dialogues from de film - uff, so much voilence men… wot wot dat Ranbir fellow does, baapre, he has some ‘daddy issues' wid dat Anil Kapoor… I say go see a shrink men, instead of shooting up 300 men ya, I tell you men, in such a country as ours, as it is we are so angry. How dese people can show so much dishoom dishoom… bleddy blood flying all over de place, and den de treatment of women. Where is de blinking censor board wen you need dem, dere has to be a limit!'"

Suddenly Lobo Lobo's posture changed, he began to walk quickly around the room.

"And now who have you become, Lobo Lobo?"

"Arre men you can't tell or wot, I am acting out Vicky Kaushal in dat wotitcall, yes Sam Bahadur movie."

"You saw that as well? How many films do you see in one evening?" I enquired, gobsmacked.

"Yess men, Dikuna… I saw bot of de filuums one after de udder, I always like to watch fuss day fuss show… even in de good ol' days, in 70s, wen I use to stay in Girgaum I saw every filum, Novelty, and Imperial, and Shalimar, and Super and Maratha Mandir, and Alankar and Naaz and every time I went to see, fuss day fuss show, even in 1975 I bought in black tickets and saw ‘Sholay' fuss day fuss show frent row! Tell you, men I don't understood dis, ‘two films releasing on Friday, one is bound to fail' logic… especislly here in Mumbai city, 14 millions peepuls we are, can't half of dose go to ‘Animal' and de udder half attend ‘Sam Bahadur'. Why why mus dere be competition… arre bot dat wochyucall, Oppie movie and dat Barbie one… opened same day... bot were sooper dooper hits, so why not for Hindi pitchers?"

"Hmmmm", I said thoughtfully.

"Also, Dikuna men, wot type picchure are we exposing to our chilluns… all dis bloodshed, dey should be woching de drama about one of nations hero's, Sam Maneckshaw… he bleddy fought real battles against real enemies, not some fictishus war becoz your dad neglected you, chhe! I want my kids who didn't want to study Indian histree in school to learn by woching dat Vicky Kaushal bloke, sumting dey'll learn."

Lobo Lobo was breathless, but suddenly began rock and rolling around my home with an imaginary guitar.

"Chalo men, I'm off", Lobo Lobo said, getting onto a bicycle that looked decidedly comic book.

"Where you headed, Lobo Lobo?"

"Men, I'm going to my home. Me and my Big Ethel better half Myrtle and I are going to watch The Archies on dat Netflix, fuss day fuss show!", Lobo Lobo concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com