Lobo Lobo Dosanjh

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over, with a stylish "saafa" on his head. He looked peturbed, he looked pained, he looked pissed off, as he stomped around my house.

"Lobo Lobo, why so troubled?" I enquired.

"See men, Dikuna, its about dat Panju fallow, dat singer. Daal-jit Dosa… bleddy bugger, he's damn popular… all over de countree, he sings his Panju hit songs and peepuls loves it, like he's a craze, I'm damn J," he said.

"Yes, Diljt Dosanjh is a hugely loved Punjabi pop star."

"So, you heard na men, dat tree-foe of his songs are being banned in some cities. In Ahmedabad, he was told to not sing dat some song Lemonade number - Tainu teri daaruch pasand aa Lemonade" - he had to make de change to ‘Tainu teri Coke ch pasand aa Lemonade'… wot sense it makes men!"

"So why you so upset, Lobo Lobo… Gujarat is a dry state… surely, they would have objections."

"Arrey wotasaying, men… even in Telengana deyprevented him to sing ‘Patiala ke Peg'… I like his guts men, he tolded all dese peepuls in power, if you make full India a dry country, he will stop singing songs about bleddy booze."

"Lobo Lobo, that's all very well, but as you would say, ‘your father what goes", why is all this bothering you so personally?"

"Dikuna, men, my fadder evryting goes, evin I am a singer, I have a band called Lobo and de Locomotion,the members of my group are my better half Myrtle, her two sasses Madonna and Magdalena, and mines turd cuzzin from Mulund East, Constantinople Coutinho."

"What kind of songs do you do?"

"We do covers of all dose big big singers of old - Perry Como, and Paul Anka and John Denver and my guru Engelbert Humpedink and Jim Reeves, off cuss de girls dey love all dose Whitney and dat Carey chick and wochyoucall Beyonce… we sing at all dese ‘shaadees' and ‘sangeets' and Navjotes, and baby showers, and anniversaries and in Xmas time, I dress up as Santa, andde udders dress up as reindeers and we sing, ‘Tie a ‘ellowribbon down de Christmas tree', boss we perform all over de India… so last week onie we were doing de sound check in uhm one destination wedding in Lucknow - Arre men I was singing dat evergreen John Denver song, ‘You fill up my senses', one dat law officer comes up and tells me, ‘Eh eh yeh kaaisa gaana hai, ‘fill up senses' mathlab ‘nasha'… ‘you fill up senses', matlab tum daroo ke baare mein gaathe ho… cancel karo', so I had to change de lyrics to ‘you fill up my lenses'."

"You fill up my lenses?"

"Yes men, I changed de lyrics, made dem about dis guys who wear de specs…"

"Got it!" I said.

"Den we were we were in Pune, and I'm singing, ‘It was an itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow, polka dot bikini that she wore for the first time today'.

I was told dat dere was two FIRs against me, ‘dat I'm promoting sex. I aksed dat police officer, how am I promoting sex? Yeh bikini ka gaana hai… bikini shabdhallowed nahi hai… so I changed de lyrics to ‘she wore a itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot saree."

"Okay Lobo Lobo, I'm getting the picture…"

"Den Dikuna men, can you believe. Last week only, dey came to one dat private party and tolded me dat I am promoting drugs…"

"How can how you be promoting drugs, Lobo Lobo?"

"Yes men, my band and me, we play one song of datClapton bugger… Eric Clapton."

"Which song, is that Lobo Lobo?"

"Arre Cocaine, Dikuna men, Cocaine… dat felloe toughtwe are singing, ‘She gets high, she gets high, she gets high Cocaine", how to tell de bugger de words are ‘She don't lie she don't lie, she don't lie, Cocaine'."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com