Lobo Lobo & bade miyan, chote maka pav

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo, my cable TV technician was furious.

"Lobo Lobo, you seem a trifle irascible," I said.

"What means, irascible… why your giving long long words like dat chappie, Shashi Taroor…," Lobo Lobo yelled.

"Irascible means… bad tempered, angry."

"I'll tell you Dikuna men, I'm fully fed up."

"What are you fully fed up about, Lobo Lobo?"

"Arrey every little ting and people are getting offended dese days, FIRs being filed left rite and center, you cannot say anyting widout ‘religious sentiments getting hurt'! Usually it is one duffer who wants five minutes of fame, and he speaks on behalf of hole community"

"What has happened now?"

"Arrey Kareena Kapoor, she writes one book about pregnancy… it's called, sumting sumting… Bible."

"Kareena Kapoor Khan's Pregnancy Bible," I offered

"Yes men… you are up wid de news, anyway to cut to de long story, one person wid no kaam danda has taken Kareena and de publishers to court for using ‘Bible' in the title… the petitioner says it is hurtful to the religious sentiments of the community that she used their ‘holy book ‘so loosely'."

"But are the Christian people offended?" I asked

"Dikuna men, which Christian people is he referring to? Certainly not my wife Myrtle, she bleddy doesn't give two tinkles about dis so called controversy, she's more concerned dat de price of paamplit and bombil has increased in Bhandup Fish market.

Is he referring to my turd cuzzin from Chinchpokli, Pompidou Pimenta Persepolis Pinto who can't get a blinking job, or my monster-in-law Bianca Bostian Juao Juamita Cabral, she is de reigning Housie champ in dat Bhayandar East, Mount Carmel club… she's bloody taking tension dat in de club elections, Marcellus Machado will become head of Housie committee, you tink dere religious sentiments are hurt… nonsense - arrey any small ting… dis is preporoustaurus. Why dey have made evryting about your god and my god and my faith and your faith, chhe, when we were young we were all one, here in Mumbai… oh foe men, we were so free about each others religion, no one cared what we called ourselves or called each udder… when we were kids, I and my building friends men, from Bhaveshwar Bhavan we would meet down de building compound to play, I would shout up to my friend on de top floe, Taqdeer Aslam, ‘Eyyy Miya come down', he would reply to me, ‘Maka pav aa raha hoon' - he would in turn yell to Rakesh Khandelwal on de tird flow, "Madu, I'm going down', "Rakesh, our Marwari pal, would whistle down to me." Oi Maka pav, aa raha hoon main, Bawaji will be delayed, his mother has taken him to Aguiary... roj budday hai unka…aunty Perin ne bola - Tejinder and Tarbinder on ground floor were ‘Sardarji ek and Sardarji do'…wot wot fights we would have - ‘It's my batting, gimme de bat bleddy Mallu,' I would shout at Selvaraj Swamy… and he would shout back at me, "Hey say slowly haan, I'm not Mallu, got it…'

‘Arrey whatever, you are from South na,' I would say.

And den Selvaraj would say, ‘Hey Maka Pav. Mallus are from Kerala… got it, I'm Tamilian, Tam Bram."

"Tam Bram… sham bram, who bloody cares' and we would get into a scrap - and den, Taqdeer Aslam who is 6 feet 8 inches, he would separate us - dese are all my friends, from tirty years, but we have to be very careful what we call each udder anymore! Taqdeer Bhai, he now makes and sells biryani, in Bhendi Bazaar, he tells me, ‘Hey Chote Maka Pav, jab tum Bhendi Bazaar aayega.. request hai, 'Bade Miyan mat chillao… Taqdeer Bhai, only Taqdeer Bhai, samjha na... I know ki tum pyaar se bol rahe ho, but mohalla bahut sensitive hai' - everyting has become about religion men, Dikuna."

Then, Lobo Lobo perked up.

"You know who I should send an FIR too for hurting my sentiments?"

"Who?" I enquired, fascinated.

"Bleddy dat Jackie Shroff! How bleddy dare he tinks dat he can have copyright on de term ‘Bhidu' - wot he tinks, his pop owns the term or wot, we all called each other ‘Bhidu' long before Jackie, chhe! We were the Bhaveshwar Bhavan Bhidus, got it, Jackie… don't hurt my sentiments!" Lobo Lobo concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com