Lobo Lobo and veganism

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo, my cable TV tech guy, came over pissed off.

"What ails you Lobo Lobo?" I asked concerned.

"See Dikuna men, my mind is fully ‘kaboom' - ‘esterday, in fact hole last week, I have been trough an esperience dat is trowmatic…"

"Tell me, Lobo Lobo."

"So de udder day, my cuzzin brudder, Constantinople, he's my tird cuzzin, mudders side, works on de oil rigs in Kwait men, he called and tolded me, ‘Eh Theo, my youngest dotter, Rapunzel… she wants to do some hi-fi course in Bombay… going bumper over my and Gardenia's head… Can she come and stay wid you foe few days? She won't be anie trubble… she has very simple needs."

"And does she… uhm this Rapunzel, have simple needs?" I asked hesitantly.

Lobo Lobo took a deep breath, as his body tensed a tad, cheeks puffed out.

"Hmmmmm. Grrrr, Dikuna men, fust day onie she walks into my house, puts down her bag, den sez to us, ‘Hello Aunty Myrtle, Hi Uncle Theo, I'm vegan'. I fust tought she was saying her name was ‘Vegan'. I'm tinking wot sort of name is Vegan? Megan I know, Reagan I know, Keegan I know… but Vegan I've not heard before! Den my own dotter Cinderella whispers to me, ‘Dad I think she' telling us her dietry orientation... she is a Vegan' - so I'm wondering, why she's telling us dis on introduction only… wot dese peepul tink, s'pose I were to say. Hello I'm Theo Lobo, I'm Non Veg' or ‘I'm Rajesh, I fast on Tuesdays' or ‘I'm Ramdev, I eat Chicken Sausages'. ‘I'm Darryl. Less salt Olive Oil'….shaayyyy… what utter nonsense.

Den when my Myrtle akses her, what she should prepare for her meals she tells to my wife, "'Aunty I only eat plant-based food."

So Myrtle replies, "My girl, you mean you eat only vegetables?"

And den dis dame, gives dat look, you know men, wot's dat word... uhm condensed... conden..." he began.

"Condescending," I offered helpfully.

"Yah men, dat oni, she says with this condensed smile, ‘Uh aunty there's a huge difference between vegetarianism and veganism. For us, Vegans, dairy is a strict no-no.

See men, Myrtle was so shocked, de ony vegetables we eat are de potatoes we put in de poke vindaloo…

Den ‘esterday, my wife had prepared dis real spread for Our Lady's Feast... At de dinner table dere was poke sorpotel, chorizo pulao, chicken rechado, squid chilly fry, prawn curry rice, shark ambo tik, crab xacuti…she looks at de food, den she tells to us, ‘How you can you all eat this food… at the cost of someone else's life? Such cruelty to animals - killing, pigs, chickens, cows and fish, and squids and prawns and crabs and sharks!'"

Den de crowning glory is she says she's a Etical Vegan, bleddy, and den from under our noses, she tucks into dese delicious oysters, Myrtle had made. When Cinderella akses her ‘Are you not killing oysters?' She smugly back answers, ‘I'm also a Ostrovegan…Oysters are bivalves and don't feel any pain', and I'm tinking….how you know, why you giving us "raag pati", do you talk to oysters - Oye Oyster, is it paining or wot when I bite you?' I tell you Dikuna men, dis dame is one pain in de batooti?"

"Batooti? what's ‘batooti'?"

"Uhm bum ya… backside men!"

Saying this, Lobo Lobo's body fully tensed up, expanding and bloating, he seemed green coloured as he puffed up in anger, "Dikuna men, dese condensed people, with dere judjments, telling me not to eat poke vindaloo!"

Lobo Lobo was now visibly transforming in front of me.

"Lobo Lobo you're looking, uhm green, yeah looks like your veins are stretching, tendrils and roots are sticking out of your body. What is happening to you? You do seem like a new superhero to me, almost like Bruce Danner turning into the Incredible Hulk."

"What you mean?"

"Lobo Lobo, ironically you're turning fully green… I'm renaming you ‘The Vegan Man'."

And with that Lobo Lobo aka Vegan Man growled -

"Fee Fie Fo Fum
I smell the blood of a Vegan
Be he alive or be he dead
He dare not mess with my Goan spread."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com