Lobo Lobo and the week that was

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo swirled over to my house… by "swirled" I mean he seemed part cyclone-part cable guy, a combo of the Incredible Hulk and a tidal wave, circling around with high emotion.

"What bloody Dikuna men, damn… I'm ball ragged men!" he thundered and typhooned.

"What ails you Lobo Lobo?" I enquired.

"Many tings men, dis whole week men, so much tings. Fust off all, dat sadistic teacher from Muzzafar whachyoucall… Trupti sumting or udder, forcing all dose school chillrens to slap dat one poor Muslim boy. How cruel men, he just had to stand dere why dey gave him ‘tappads'. Wot nonsense, and no reprimand to her, some minister says, ‘full cognisance will be taken', arrey men, wot bunkus is dis full congnisance, wot action will be taken? Damn, lady has not even been arrested… men dat poor child, what trauma he must be esperiencing. Imagine your classmates are forced to slap you one after de udder… wots de point of laws against ragging in schools, wen it's de teechers ony who are ragging de students. Wot is happenng in our schools men? In J&K one udder teacher trashed one student for scribbling on de blackboard. Wot bloody tings are going on in our classrooms? Dikuna men, dis is a return to de Stone Age. Chhe! Den dat football chief fellow from Spain men - bleddy bugger gives dat women footballer full kiss on de lips men, wot no shame he has. But see ‘ow everyone is rallying around her… he bleddy wont step down, jest look at dem! The whole team has reacted, refusing to play… even de coaching staff have stepped down. Why not we have de same unity in our country? When dat wrestling chief… wots his name is, big bully type molested dose wrestlers, dose poor girls had to sit for days on the streets, bleddy hardly any support dey got."

I hoped Lobo Lobo was done, no such luck.

"Den dese Cheeni Chinese peepuls. Wot dey bleddy tink? Dey have ‘bindaas' put our Arunwhochyouall Pradesh on dere map, haah wot nonsense Aksai Chin, sounds like a Chinese restaurant. ‘I recommend de Chicken Wantons from Aksai Chin'. Wot happened to de famous ‘Hindu Cheeni Bhai Bhai'. I tink so, dey are kaali-peeli being ‘ungli master'. We should say bye-bye to them instead of bhai bhai," he raved and raged.

"Calm down, calm down Lobo Lobo. You'll bust an artery like this. Has nothing made you happy this week?"

"No men, why I should be happy… as it is India are de 125th happiest country in de world, according to some blinking ‘Happiness Index'. Can you believe? Bleeding bleddy Ukraine, who have been bombed and blasted by damn Russia, even dey are higher dan us… 92nd dey are on de list! How we can be so unhappy? Arrey, when you hear about damn teachers getting students to slap anudder student, den you can believe what ‘haalat' we are in, why we are so low in dis list?"

"But Dikuna men… I'm also damned chuffed men. Dose scientists at ISRO men, dey are heroes. Arrey dey got us to de moon. Now we will go to de sun, oh men… I tink so dey will take off today... den we will go to Pluto, and Urnaus and we'll dance on de rings of Saturn.

I'm also happy about dat fellow Neeraj Chopra. He bleddy trew de javelin almost to de moon, dat little tingoo bugger, from Tamil Nadu, uh… Pragg… uhm… Pragggu… wot a long name men... he played like a champ men. Our sports people are playing so well!"

"So Lobo Lobo, how did you spend Raksha Bandhan?"

"Arre Dikuna men, all my sisters came over, Petunia, Blossom, Hyacinth, Violet, Gardenia, Crysanthemum, Dahlia, Tulip and Hibiscus, and dey all tied rachis… came all de way up my arm."

"That's nice, to have so many lovely sisters all named after flowers."

"Den dey wen away, and me and my better half, Myrtle, we went to de terrace of our building to witness de Blue Moon that had appeared in de sky and she sang to me -

"Blue Moon

You saw me standing alone

Without a dream in my heart

Without a love of my own."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com