Lobo Lobo and the vaccines

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over looking abnormally fit.

"Howdy Dikuna men," he said, flexing his biceps, but his voice was five octaves higher.

"Lobo Lobo uhm… why do you resemble a cross between Deadpool and Dara Singh?"

"Dikuna men! It's a long story. But, first as you know, the COVID-19 vaccine is rolling out next week."

"Yes I do."

"So, are you planning to get yourself jabbed, men?"

"I'm not sure, Theo. I'm going to wait awhile."

"But men, don't you want to get out? Watch de movies at INOX. Travel to Goa to eat de poke vindaloo?"

"Don't worry about me, Lobo, why are your forearms like Popeye's? Have you been working out like a beast, taking steroids, drinking protein shakes?"

Lobo Lobo went silent, looking around furtively

"No Dikuna men. Nutting of de kind. Let me share wid you a secret. I have tried de vaccine."

"Wow which one?" I asked, incredulously.

"I have tried dem all!" he said, nonchalantly.

"All? You've tried them all?"

"Yes. Fust I tried de Biotech's Covaxin."

"Any side effects, any body changes?"

"As you can see, Bossie, this Biotech one has made my voice sound like Lata Mangeshkar, and Myrtle, my better half, she also took de vaccine, her tone is like Amrish Puri."

"May be you two should start a two-member choir, call yourself Lobo and Lobo?"

"Men, dat is not funny! It's damn embarrassing. In our parish choir, Myrtle stands in de back row in de men's baritone section, and I am wid de dames, as a soprano, chhe men," Lobo Lobo complained.

"Tell me about the other vaccines."

"Okay, de udder one, de competition, it's called Covishield. Dat has a deadly side effect, it is made in a farm na? So when you take it, pronto you become like a horse, so your arms become like de front legs of de horse and your legs become de hind legs."

"So, are you saying if I immunise myself with the Covishield vaccine, I could enter the Derby next year?"

"Yes men, dat is dere plan I tink. Also de common sneeze is replaced by a neigh."

"So, can we now get to your massive arms…"

"Ufffo men, no patience you have. Okay, last week I got a call from de KGB in Russia. Dey demanded dat I ‘try' dere vaccine, Sputnik V, like a guinea pig."

"Lobo Lobo, don't con me. The KGB was dissolved in 1991."

"No men. Not dat secret police KGB. Dis is a different one, KGB stands for ‘Kovid Go Byebye'. It is developed especially by President Putin and his cronies."

"So, you have tried it?"

"Arre Dikuna men! Not so simple. I had to fly by a special charter flight to Moscow. Den, dey put you in a special lab, in de Kremlin, like you remember dat movie Rocky 4? Dat is why I am built like dis.
Apparently one side effect is you begin to look like Putin, bulging muscles and all. You go around saying ‘da da da' and ‘dasvidaniya'."

Lobo Lobo paused.

"You're not telling me everything Lobo Lobo."

"No Dikuna men, I got a phone call last night. Dere's a new vaccine being developed in de USA, it is being prepared by a certain section of de Republican Party. If you take it, it makes you a very mean person, makes you incite riots, makes you try to take over a country by force."

"What's this vaccine called, Lobo Lobo?" I ask curiously.

"It's called CoupVid!" Lobo Lobo concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com