Lobo Lobo and the interrogation

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over the other night, he looked stressed, he looked strained, he looked around furtively.
‘Problem became, men Dikuna, gimme one two strong quarters… you have Old Monk?"
"What's wrong, Lobo Lobo?" I handed him a Panjim Peg.
"Arre men, dey raided my house!?"
"Who's dey… sorry they?"
"Arrey dose people men, whochyoucall, dey came and confiscated my phone and Myrtle's phone, bleddy checking checking bleddy for messages… and evidence."
"Can you slow down… start at the beginning?"
"See men, here's de long story in de short form,

I am de treasurer, I handle de accounts of my co-operative housing society Pati Parivar Co-operative Housing Society Ltd in dat my Virar. We have dis bleddy rascal scounderal Jankar Janardhan Jagdambar Jatania… he is de building president, ‘Chaar J' he is called, he wants to use our society funds for all all shady tings in de building. Bugger wants to build a massage parlour and jacuzzi on de terrace, wid building money men… wot he tinks dis is Bangkok or wot. Chhe, so I said, strict no, dat made him damn bald ragged… all udder members don't say anyting, excepting me, so he's out to get me"

Lobo Lobo took a pause.

"See men Dikuna, de sociyty elecshuns are coming up, so he wants to kabzao as much from our funds… he has been de President for two terms, he wants to win a tird term… and onie I'm standing in his way… many of de members want me to go up against him, men, one previous chappie who contested in de last elecshun is behind bars men, ‘Chaar J' made some false cases against him… So, anyway, de udder day, he organised for dese people from dis shady organisation came knocking on my door."

"You're telling me that you were raided?"

‘Yes men, dey had a warrant and all - Dey opened my cupboards, all de kichun cabinets, dey evin opened de bleddy fridge ka freezer, dey found nutting. Den dey called me to dere office, in Kalbadevi, duffers six-six hours dey quoshchened me, about all bledddy tings, dey aksed about my house in blinking Calangute, we have one property dere, dey said show us all de property tax papers and all, and I said men I don't have anyting, wot bleddy papers you'll get in blinking Goa men, five hours aksng same to same questions, I had half a mind to tell him, bleddy dat house is rotting wid enroachers and white ants and monkeys and termites and Russians, bleddy take it off my hands, I'll be relieved. Den dey are looking at my birth certificate, ‘Naam kya hai?'

I tolded him, ‘hey, hey, you rascal, I am Thelonious Tristan Telemachus Lobo, son of Blanchilda and Sovereign Lobo, we are scared of no one got it, Bleddy everytime dese type shady type organisations when dey aks questions… five-six-hours non-stop. I always wondered how much dey want to aks same same questions over and over again… arre Dikuna men, dey had so much info about private conversations, ya between me and Myrtle… arre bleddy she and I discuss all all tings about de building… dis ‘Chaar J' l has put little cameras and bugs all over my house. Arre, I aks is noting private anymore… wot world we are living in …arre den dere was de crowing glory - dey went trooo my phone directory and dey saw all de names and dey came across one name ‘Dawood'.

Suddenly all dese officials went fully quite. Dat main bugger akses me,
‘Tum Dawood ko jaante ho, you have links with him?
I said, ‘yes'.
"Tumara connection kya hai, usse?"
I tolded him, everyone in my area knows him especially my wife.
"How does your wife know Dawood Ibrahim, the biggest underworld don?", he aksed.
"Arrey men not dat bugger--dis is Dawood Nurul Hasan, he's my wife's mutton seller - he has big big shop in Bhendi Bazaar," Lobo Lobo said. ‘Full all dere plans to implicate me, went phus," Lobo Lobo concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com