Lobo Lobo and FIFA Fo Fun

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo was at my doorstep furiously blowing a vuvuzela, carrying an old overstuffed VIP suitcase. His face was painted primarily red, a touch of green with a circle of yellow around his right eye!

"Uhm, Lobo Lobo… care to explain, why you look like Mel Gibson in Braveheart?" I enquired.

"Arre men Dikuna, it's the Portugal flag colours, uffff!"

"How do you explain the vuvuzela and the baggage you're carrying, in a VIP suitcase no less?"

"Dikuna men, helloo… the FIFA World Cup 2022 begins today oni! Am off to Doha, to see some of de macches of Portugal… wohoooooo!" he announced, while he blew once more on his vuvuzela.

"Tell me more, Lobo Lobo."

"Arre wot to say, Bossie, it has been my long dream to woch my two favouritest superstars… Messi and CR7! Of course, no match for my Zizou Zidane, but still dey are legends. So my sas Petunia, she flies for Catay, she got me a cheap ticket."

"Who's CR7?" I enquired.

"Arrey Dikuna men, CR7 is Cristiano, Ronaldo... uuuf… he dribbles dat ball like I used to in 1981. Criss-cross, diss way, dat way… goaaaallll."

"God speed, Lobo Lobo."

"If trut be tolded... I am also little bit tensed up!"

"Tensed up, why?"

Lobo Lobo's voice lowered; he looked around furtively.

"Arrey men, I don't tinks so dat Qatar is de best host nayshun for sumting as fan oriented as FIFA."

"Why do you say that?"

I asked curious.

Lobo Lobo looked around more furtively.

"See men, a countree dats hosting footer, should be ‘bindaas', so long as you're not brekking de law, dere should not be many curbs in dat country!"'

"Would you care to elucidate?"

"What dat means, Lucyonadate?"

"Uhm… elucidate not

Lucyonadate, it means, can you expand?"

"Wot wot big big words you're using men! Accha, socko restrictions dey are putting on de fans, bleddy dey are disallowing drinking in de stands, how to watch footer men, if you're not little tipsy, how to enjoy de akshun! See men, I'm toh became a teetotaller, since my pancreatitis in 2000, but all dose mad buggers from my Glaxose team from de '80s, we are all going in one full ‘paltan' men, dey are too pissed off.."

"Aah I see your concerns!"

"Solid boozards men... dat Banerjee fellow, he was our centre forward, he's toh always ‘tight' men, den our full back, Leroy Mascarenhas, we called him ‘Panjim Peg' as pet name, dat bugger routinely carries whiskey into ‘dry states', how much we have warned him, bossie please dey'll arrest you at de airport, he cares two hoots, chhe!"

"What are some of the other restrictions?"

"Arrey men, you can't take off your shirt in the stadiums!"

"And you were planning that?"

"At leesst I want de opshun. Also dey have a weird rule… if you indulge in cross dressing, straight jail immediately!"

"Uhm Lobo Lobo, why are you bothered by cross dressing, you're not planning to go out in the streets in a skirt or a sari, right?"

"Bossie, not me, but my son is coming wid me… he's one dat wachyoucall fashion designer… mad fellow he is, name is Ronaldo, named after de Brazilian superstar, but he's anyting but a sportsman. Chhe, he's a designer, wot wot clodes he wears like dat artiste Boy George na... can't tell oni, if he's a fellow or a female! He'll wear jeans but fully covered by one colourful sarong type top, and big big Elton John goggles. I tell him, ‘Eh men, duffer Ronaldo, why you're going out dressed like one dame?' and he tells to me, dis is how de fashionastas are dressed in blinking Milan... what I care about dat Milan, my concern is what is de peepuls are saying in Mahim (Maim) na?

And in Doha, men, dey'll look at him and say he's one LGBT, put him dere and den behind bars, pronto! Ufff tenshun ya! Anyway, chalo Dikuna men… whatyouwant from Duty Free? I'll bring one dat Tobler chockie for you, ciao."

And with that Lobo Lobo disappeared into the sunset, blowing his vuvuzela like his life depended on it.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com