Lobo Lobo and Coldplay tickets

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over looking dishevelled in a "dishoom dishoom dinchak" 1970's masala movie kind of way.

"Wot de hell men, Dikuna….it's all shit, shit and moe shit."

"Whats the problem, Lobo Lobo, what's all shit?"

"Arre donnne aks only, see I tried to buy tickets for dat music concert, dat Gwenet Paltrow ex hubby's pop show, wassisname, Chris Martin, dey are playing here in Jan na… so I tried to book tickets from dat website, BookMySlow…bleddy ting crashed onie."

"Oh so you're a big fan of Coldplay?"

"No men, bleddy I'm not a fan, and who wants to see de show but I couldn't get tickets, shayyyy… you read na… lakhs of fans went ticketless"

"So if you're not fond of the band, or their music, then why attempt to buy tickets?"

"You don't follow me, Dikuna uuuuf, see men, I don't care who's playing, can be Coldplay, Hotplay, Play, Don't Play, I don't give two hoots, my motto is if dey are a popular act, I buy tickets and sell dem unner de table! Can be a match, a music show, a mela… anyting dat is popular and likely to get sold out and dere will de extra demand, I am dere to ‘help peepul' out, I am de supplier when dere is demand, got it na!"

‘You're a uhm… aah, uhm, I can't even say the word!"

‘See men Dikuna, I am not who I say I am, I have a …a. black past..and a black side to me."

"Black as in dark, shady?" I asked astonished.

"No men, ‘black' means, I was and am into ‘black market tickets!"

"Whaaaaaatttt you… nooo Lobo Lobo?"

"So I'll tell you, in de 1980s and 1990s, I used to buy de tickets in bulk and I would sell dem outside de cinema houses, cricket stadiums, music show venues - I made so much moolah wen my hero Michael Jackson came to town, he played in Andheri Sports Complex, uff men I could afford to put my duffer son Ronaldo truu school and collej - arrey, unfortunately now no one pays in cash, all dis digital and GPay and UPI and bleddy Paytm karo and all, no one deals in black money, all white money ony, so how I'm to make money - damn unfair, all dis modernisation duzzent take into account how we ‘cash fellows' are meant to survive. I'm trying to make my son Ronaldo into a hacker…but he's not getting it only."

"Tell me more, tell me about your beginnings, Lobo Lobo."

"See men, you won't believe I was a matka king, de ‘dus ka paanch' fellow--dey would say, hey ‘Dus ka Paanch' dada aa gaya… all over Girgaum, Lamington road, Dongri, I was de black ka champion, like dat, Ameeer Kahn in dat Rangeela picchur. Wen dey had ticket selling at booking counters, solid fun became, dat Tidaltanic filum, where dat Dion lady sang my heart will go on and on and on, socko money I made men. Even before, Maratha Maratha, dat one, wochyoucall, ‘Dil Dul Jayenge' with SRK and dat Tanuja dotter, uff men, I made a killing, whole whole day, I spented at Bombay Central… now it's all spoilt wid dis on-line booking system."

De uddr day, dat fallow Ed Sheero wid dat Daaljit Dosa, or was it Arijit Sing, little I managed to make - but I am ball ragged dat, dis de biggest show in Mumbai, dis Coldplay or Hotplay I am unable to procure tickets."

"Don't you feel any guilt for making money like this, Lobo Lobo, aren't you worried that you might go to hell instead of heaven?"

"No men I contribute to de church. But see men also my hero, my saviour he doesn't distinguish between black and white!"

"And who is that, Lobo Lobo, who is your hero, your saviour?"

"Che men, my hero and saviour is Michael Jackson, it duzzeent matter to him if it's black or white!"

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com