Lobo Lobo, aka Imma Boss Off Cuss

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over, a definite swag in his step. "Wazzup yo, Dikuna men bro… do re me faa slow da yo… ko ko… ho how are you jo," he rapped.

"Uhm Lobo Lobo, what are you saying?"

"Dikuna men, I'm a cable technician by day, and a rap star by night, you know artists like Mos Def, 50 Cent, Ice Cube, Ice T and Jay Z have dese names, even I have a stage name - "Imma Boss Of Cuss"

RD Burman and ABBA are my bestest artists… I have done a mashup of RD Burman's song "Duniya mein logon ko" to the tune of ‘Voulez Vouz aha".

"You have a band?" I asked amazed.

"I have two bands aksully, world famiss in Virar, my one band is THE BADASS BADMASHES - we play at all weddings - and THE UNDERTAKERS, we play at all funerals - de members are me and my better half Myrtle and my turd cuzzin, from my mudder side, Constantinople Cavalier Carvalho, he plays de Xylophone, and we have Quixote Qadros from Bhayandar, he plays de Triangle, and de Casio keyboards, and my son Ronaldo on de bongos."

"So why are you dressed like a ‘sasta' Justin Bieber?"

"See men, dat main event organiser of de Ambani wedding, called me, ‘Mr Lobo, we are looking for local talent to perform at the ‘shaadi', to entertain guests while they're eating - so I aksed, will I be performing like dat Katy Perry, and Akorn and wassisname dat sardarji fellow Daal-jeet Dosa? He said yes."

"But why are you dressed like a ‘sasta Justin Bieber?" I repeated.

"Justin Bieber wears dese Bad Boy track pants, and dose Ralph Lauren boxers both togedder have costed Rs I lacs I went shopping for de same ‘minimalistic look' - I buyed dese VIP chaddis and de nakli Nike trackpants and ganji, from below de bridge near de Virar railway station"

"So how did it go at the wedding?"

"We have one USP, we take foreign songs and add our own local twist - Justin Beeber has a number one hit called ‘Peaches'… we made it ‘Beaches'! You wanna hear one verse?"

"Off Cuss Imma Boss!" I said.

"Here goes -

I got my vindaloo up in Vagator (oh yeah men)
I got my balchao up in Margao (oh yeah men )
I got my chorizo up in Mapusa (oh yeah men)
I get my squid (oh yeah) my reshad (oh yeah) my Xacuti (oh yeah)
Den I cooked it on de beach… de beach… de beach… de beach, I cooked dem on de beach (oh yeah)"

"Wow that's inventive, did they appreciate it?"

"Little problem became you see, Dikuna men, I was singing dis song… all about non-veg food and poke and beef and suddenly I noticed all de guests looking shocked, some had stopped mid-mouthful - dat main event organiser whispered to me, "Boss do you realise this is the ‘strictly veg section' - all de guests here are violently against meat!"

"What did you do, Lobo Lobo?" I asked transfixed

"Arrey men wot to do, I had to change de lyrics, impromptu - I made all dishes veg only! And added a ABBA song -

"I got my bhindi up in Baga (oh yeah men)
I got my bhaingan up in Betim (oh yeah men)
I got my barta up in Bambolin (oh yeah men)
I got my bhajias up in Antilla
It's a chiller, it's a killer, have your filla
Money Money Money
It's Ambani
It's a rich man's world"
And but den suddenly, wid no warning, my wife on her own starts singing…
"I work all night, I work all day to pay the bills I have to pay
Ain't it sad?
And still there never seems to be a single paise left for me
That's too bad
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldn't have to work at all, I'd fool around and have a ball."

Just see, in de middle of de wedding of de year, me and my missus had a domestic row… chhe! It was emrassing!

Dat bleddy Quixote Qadros whispers, "Eh Lobo, we'll have to change your name to "She's de Boss, Off Cuss."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com