Is it normal to lose interest in sex in long-term relationships?

In the early stages of a relationship, sexual desire is often high, fueled by novelty, excitement, and a rush of chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. This phase, commonly known as the "honeymoon phase," is marked by frequent intimacy and a strong connection that feels almost electric. However, as time passes, many couples experience a shift - a decline in sexual desire that can leave one or both partners wondering if it's normal or if something is wrong. This article explores the reasons behind this change, the ways it impacts relationships, and what couples can do to keep intimacy alive over the long term.

The biology of sexual desire

One of the main factors contributing to a decline in sexual interest is biology. Sexual desire is complex, governed by a variety of factors including hormonal changes, neurotransmitter levels, and physical health. Over time, the intense attraction that many couples feel in the early stages can fade as these initial hormonal boosts begin to level out. For example:

1. Hormonal shifts: Testosterone, which plays a significant role in sexual desire for both men and women, naturally decreases with age. Women may also experience changes in libido during menopause due to shifts in estrogen and progesterone levels. Pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding can also temporarily affect hormone levels and, in turn, impact desire.
2. Neurotransmitter changes: In the honeymoon phase, dopamine - a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward - spikes, intensifying attraction and excitement. As the relationship matures, dopamine levels tend to normalize, leading to a reduction in the feeling of euphoria that initially accompanies sexual interactions.
3. Health and aging: Physical health issues, which often become more common as people age, can also influence sexual desire. Conditions like diabetes, heart disease, and obesity, as well as side effects from medications, can dampen libido.

Psychological and emotional factors

The mental and emotional landscape of a long-term relationship can significantly impact sexual interest. As couples settle into routines, emotional patterns and everyday stresses can take a toll on desire.

1. Familiarity and predictability: The excitement of new love often hinges on novelty and discovery. As partners become familiar with each other, the sense of "mystery" diminishes. While this can foster a deeper bond, it may also lessen the thrill that was once part of the sexual connection. Familiarity can be comforting, but it may reduce the level of arousal that novelty inspires.
2. Stress and life responsibilities: Everyday stress from work, finances, and family responsibilities can easily overpower sexual desire. Many couples, especially those with young children or demanding careers, find themselves exhausted by the end of the day, leaving little energy or motivation for intimacy.
3. Emotional connection: In many relationships, especially for those who value emotional intimacy as a precursor to physical intimacy, a lack of emotional connection can lead to a decrease in desire. Unresolved conflicts, communication issues, or feelings of being unappreciated can create emotional distance that dampens sexual interest.
4. Body image and self-esteem: Over time, people may become more conscious of their physical appearance, especially as they age or after significant life changes like childbirth. A lack of self-confidence or negative body image can make individuals less inclined to seek intimacy, even within a committed relationship.

Social and cultural influences

Societal expectations and cultural norms also play a role in shaping perceptions of sexual desire in long-term relationships. Media often portrays passionate, consistent sex as the hallmark of a healthy relationship, leading to unrealistic expectations.

1. Societal pressure for consistent desire: The idea that a "normal" relationship includes frequent sexual activity can lead to feelings of inadequacy or insecurity when desire fluctuates. This pressure can be especially harmful if one or both partners feel that their relationship is somehow failing because of a decrease in sexual frequency.
2. Gender norms and stereotypes: Traditional views on masculinity and femininity can create misunderstandings. Men may feel pressured to maintain a constant desire, and women may feel that they are expected to fulfill a nurturing role that conflicts with their own needs or desires.
3. Changes in gender roles and family dynamics: In dual-career households, where both partners juggle work and home responsibilities, the traditional gender roles around caregiving and breadwinning have shifted. This can lead to new dynamics that might not always support a thriving intimate life, as both partners are often busy and fatigued.

What can couples do about it?

A decline in sexual interest in long-term relationships is common, but that doesn't mean it has to be permanent. Here are some strategies that can help couples rekindle their connection and maintain a healthy intimate life:

1. Communication is key: Open and honest communication is essential for a healthy relationship, particularly when discussing sensitive topics like intimacy. Couples should feel comfortable sharing their needs, concerns, and desires without fear of judgment or criticism. Regular conversations about what each partner enjoys or wants to try can help prevent feelings of resentment and build a stronger emotional connection.
2. Prioritize emotional intimacy: Physical intimacy is often deeply connected to emotional closeness. Engaging in activities that foster bonding, such as spending quality time together, showing appreciation, and actively listening, can help to reignite sexual interest. Acts of kindness and affection that aren't necessarily sexual, like hugs or compliments, can also enhance emotional intimacy.
3. Reintroduce novelty: One of the biggest challenges for long-term couples is finding ways to keep the relationship feeling fresh. Trying new experiences together, whether inside or outside the bedroom, can stimulate dopamine release and rekindle a sense of excitement. Even small changes, like a romantic date night or an adventurous vacation, can disrupt routine and bring back a feeling of novelty.
4. Seek professional help if needed: Couples who struggle to resolve intimacy issues on their own may benefit from professional guidance. Sex therapy or couples counseling can provide a safe space for partners to explore underlying issues, work through emotional barriers, and learn new strategies for enhancing their intimacy.
5. Focus on physical health and well-being: Physical health has a direct impact on libido. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and good sleep hygiene can boost energy levels and improve mood. Reducing alcohol consumption and managing stress through techniques like meditation or mindfulness can also improve overall health and, by extension, sexual interest.
6. Set realistic expectations: Accepting that sexual desire naturally fluctuates over the course of a relationship can reduce unnecessary pressure. Understanding that intimacy doesn't always have to mean sexual activity can also help; holding hands, cuddling, and non-sexual touch are important ways to maintain closeness.
7. Practice self-acceptance: Addressing body image and self-esteem issues can be crucial for sustaining sexual interest. Partners who feel confident and comfortable in their own skin are more likely to seek and enjoy intimacy. Practicing self-compassion and engaging in self-care can make a significant difference in how someone feels about themselves in the context of a relationship.

Recognising when it's a bigger issue

While it's normal for sexual interest to ebb and flow, in some cases, a loss of desire can signal a larger issue. If a partner feels persistently unhappy or disconnected, or if intimacy issues are causing significant conflict, it may be time to seek support. Long-term patterns of avoidance or resentment around intimacy should not be ignored, as they can erode the relationship over time.

Conclusion: Accepting change and fostering growth

Losing interest in sex in a long-term relationship is not only normal but also common. Relationships evolve, and so do the factors that contribute to sexual desire. Understanding and accepting this reality can help partners avoid feelings of guilt or inadequacy, allowing them to focus on finding new ways to maintain intimacy.

Intimacy in a long-term relationship requires effort, patience, and an openness to change. By focusing on communication, emotional closeness, novelty, and self-care, couples can navigate the natural ebb and flow of sexual desire healthily. Accepting fluctuations in desire and prioritizing a supportive, understanding connection with each other can foster a deep, lasting bond that goes beyond physical attraction and sexual frequency. In the end, a fulfilling relationship adapts and grows, keeping the spark alive even as it transforms into something richer and more meaningful.

Prof. Dr. Rajan Bhonsle, M.D. is a Senior Sex Therapist and Counsellor from Mumbai, practicing for more than 35 years. He is a Hon. Professor and Head of the Department of Sexual Medicine at K.E.M.Hospital and G.S.Medical College Mumbai.

The views expressed here are the individual's and don't represent those of the paper.