How to name a cyclone

Illustration/Uday Mohite

My building society sat down to assess the damage that Monday's cyclone had caused - torn up chajjas, smashed windows, future plans of protection.

Mr Glasswalla said, "Maara baap, it felt like our building was made of that ‘su naam chhe?'…aaah aah Lego!"

Mrs Hiloowalla agreed, "Haan bhai haan, I was holding onto my French windows for dear life."

Mr Khidkiwalla said, "Obviously you did not hold them firm enough, one of those windows fell down eight floors and destroyed my car!"

Mrs Hiloowalla replied, "That ‘katara' is not a car, samajyu ke, it should be an exhibit in Prince of Wales Museum."

Mr Gyaanchand, the building's self appointed Wikipedia-ist informed, "By the way, did you know the word ‘cyclone' comes from the Greek ‘cyclos', which means ‘coiling of the snake'.

Mr Khidkiwalla queried, "Tell me why such tough names for these cyclones, yeh Cyclone Tauktae kaisa naam hai?"

Mr Kaanchwalla said, "I thought first, it was ‘Talkative'. I'm thinking, have they named it after Glasswalla's wife or what?"

His neighbour, Mr Paniwalla said, "Boss, if it was named after your wife, the way she sings her bhajans, it should have been Cyclone Besoora."

Mr Gyaanchand said, knowledgeably, "Tauktae is Burmese for Gecko."

Mr Pancharam asked, "Gecko, what gecko? Gecko su chhe?"

Mr Gyaanchand answered, "Gecko is a very vocal lizard."

Miss Hawaani said, "Then why not call it Cylcone Lizard. Gecko thoda complicated hai na?"

Mrs Nallaseth said, "Because, Miss Hawaani, the cyclone was named by the Burmese, not Shashi Tharoor, got it?"

Miss Manjrekar offered, "If it is a very vocal lizard, then why not call it Cyclone Kangana?"

Mr Gyaanchand said tiredly, "You people don't read ya! We are a part of a group of nations called WMO/ESCAP, made up of Pakistan, Yemen, Bangladesh, UAE, Myanmar, etc., each country takes turns naming the cyclone."

Mr Hiloowalla asked, "So, who is naming the next one?"

Mr Gyaanchand was quick to report, "Yemen has named it ‘Yaas'."

Mr Glasswalla said, "Yaas matlab, like yes, or yeah or yaah. What a stupid name! We should name the next Cyclone Maybe or Cyclone No."

Mr Menezes offered, "How about Cyclone Bakwaas?"

Mrs Hiloowalla said, "We in the building should have our own name for the cyclone."

Mr Kaachwalla asked, "But, why is there a need for that?"

Mr Pacharam said helpfully, "Arre duffer, so when Mr Sopariwalla, who has a sea facing flat sees the harami cyclone approaching from Mandwa, he can shout to all of us, "Oyeeee, Cyclone Maki Aunty aawech!" or aapro Mr Trivedi can warn us, "Cyclone Kokila Fui is coming, khidki bandh karo!" Mrs Nallaseth said, "Arre, don't be so sexist, why are you naming these cyclones after us ladies?

Mr Gyaanchand said helpfully, "Cyclones were named after women from the 1900s, men names began only after 1979."

Mr Khidkiwalla said, "I read somewhere that these cyclones should not have controversial names."

Mr Menezes asked, ‘And my man, what constitutes ‘controversial'?"

Mr Gyaanchand said, "Means it shouldn't be insulting to any person or community and neutral to politics."

Miss Haawani said, "Got it, so we should refrain from naming it Cyclone Adityanath?"

Mrs Nallaseth advised, "Yes! Okay, I have an idea, what if we name the cyclone after bad Bollywood films?"

Mr Khidkiwlla said, "In fact, let's name it after a film so bad that the cyclone will be terrified to move out of the Arabian Sea!"

Mr Panchram said, "I've got it, I have a name for the cyclone…"

Everyone waited with bated breath.

Mr Panchram suggested, "I say we call it, Cyclone Radhe!"

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com