Don't spoil Goa, men

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over, looking like a burnt lobster-plus, the aroma of feni wafted through the air as he entered my home.

"Hello hello Dikuna men. Hic. I've just returned back from Goa men. Asagaon, to be specific, hic," he slurred.

"Okay ok. No wonder you seem so ‘susegado'," I said.

"No no. Not ‘susegado' at all. I'm actually damn bleddy irritated!" he yelled, almost falling over his own suitcases.

"Ah what's the reason for the irritation, considering you've just returned from the land of beaches and balchao?"

"Arre men. My Goa, is being rooined, chhe, hic!"

"Ruined by whom?"

"Arre! Everyone tinks dey can come, hic, to my home state and bring dere problems, restrictions, complaints, bad habits. Dey come for dere own selfish reason and den tink becoz de Goans are cool peepuls, dey can change de verry complexion, burp!"

"I'm confused by what you mean, Lobo Lobo. Please explain."

"Fust tings fust. Take de respective governments. Dey try and control tings. Each blighter tinks to win votes he can make crazy laws, but ends up making stoopid rules dat are just not logical. Take de attempt to ban bikinis and skimpy clodes. Anudder guys wants to stop drinking beer on de beaches, coz dey'll create law and order problems. Arrey what nonsense! Who are dese people to decide what will incite violence? Arre! One poor stand-up comedian is in jail for a joke he didn't make. De accusation dat people will start rioting, wow men."

"Lobo Lobo. Don't change the topic. Stay with the subject of Goa, please."

"Okay, in short, Goa is being taken for granted, and it makes me bald ragged men. Goa is de new hotspot for Bombayites who're tired of de lockdown, typical Bombay peepuls men. Dey complain about all dat is wrong about Bombay, rents are too high and traffic is so much etc etc, and den dey escape to Goa, and den complain about Goa, nutting works and no WiFi and electricity goes off. Arre! Why come to Goa den men! They tink Candolim is the new Carter Road, Ashwem is the new Ambedkar Road. Mr Mumbaikar, you're feeling imprisoned in your flat in NoBo, you just cannot come to Palolem and den expect it to function like Pali Hill at half de cost. Got it? Hic!"

"Yeah! Maybe you have a point."

"Den, dere are all dose ruffians who drive into Goa from Delhi men. In dere open CRVs. Arre dese people are so uncouth! Dey holed demselves up in dere Greater Kailash homes for 10 munts and now dey are roaming around bindaas wid no masks on. Dey litter up de beaches, and dey ‘seeti-maaro' at all de dames who are sun-bading! Again, dey tink dey can make Vasant Vihar out of Vagator, hic!"

"Right, Lobo Lobo. You don't seem to have left anyone out…"

"Arre men Dikuna, I'm not completed yet. Wot wot about de blinking Russians. Arre stick to Moscow men, why why you are cumming to Morjim and spoling it men? De blinking road signs are in Ruskie and de menu cards all in Russian. How to write Poke Vindaloo and Poke Sorpotel in Russian men! And den dey tink dey can sit whole whole day and drink Vodka and tink dey own Goa! Are dey KGB or wot?"

Lobo Lobo paused for breath.

"So Lobo Lobo, what's your conclusion, your final message?"

"Don't come to Goa and den tryin change it men. Dis is not baap ka raaj, got it. Chhe, hic, slurp!"

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com