Cheetah Man aka Lobo Lobo

Illustration/Uday Mohite

This morning, I heard a sharp scratching sound on my door, followed by a purr and then an oink.

I opened the door to see a man in a yellow body suit with black spots.

"Yes… uhm… can I help you?"

"Arre Dikuna men… it's me, Thelonious," the cat suited person said.

"Lobo Lobo! Why are you dressed in a figure hugging leotard?"

"I am not a leopard... I am a cheetah."

"Not leopard… I said, leotard, anyway, what is this all about?"

"I am in a cheetah suit."

"Is that what it is? Any reason why, Lobo Lobo?"

"I would appreciate if you call me Cheetah Man. I came from Virar to Colaba in 30 minutes."

"Bit slow considering you are the fastest creature in the world."

"Arre Dikuna men, don't ask… dis is not de Savannah grassland men, it's not Masai Maara, its Malad! I encountered bumper to bumper traffic, den on de sea link, solid restrictions… can't go faster dan 50 kmph, udderwise dat damn CCTV picks you up… arrey de average speed of de cheetah is 120 miles per hour so you can imagine how frustrating it is."

"But Lobo Lobo… uhm Cheetah Man, why are you dressed like a resident of Namibia… were you transported with seven other of your spotted brethren?"
Cheetah Man's voice went a tad soft.

"No men, I'll tell you a secret, to make extra moolah, I have a new side bizness, I have started, ‘Cats R Us'… it is a children's entertainment company. In my cupboard
we have suits of leopards, panthers, pumas, stray cats, jaguars, all rented from Maganlal Dresswalla."

"What do you do at these parties?"

"Myrtle and I, and our duffer son Ronaldo create dese teem evenings, so if your child likes lions, we'll call de event, ‘Lion Maroing', we go and roar and all. If de kids want like a wild life sanctuary type party, we will go dressed in cheetah suits, and we'll do tings like magic tricks, and Myrtle will sing hit songs, like ‘Memory' etc, dis particular teem evening is called ‘Cheetahs Never Prosper'. And if it is a tiger evening, de teem is titled, ‘Shamshera.'"

"I have to ask you, cheetahs have a particular sound they make unlike the other big cats, it isn't a roar… it's a small sound, a purr… what came out of your mouth was more like an oink!"

Cheetah Man aka Lobo Lobo was a tad embarrassed.

"Okay so here's de trut… if you tell anyone, Dikuna men, I'll hunt you down."

"Yeah yeah I get it."

"See men sumting happened, last week, oni… it was my mudder-in law's burrday, so my missus Myrtle made some special poke dishes - vindaloo, chorizo, sorpotel, roast, indad, chops… so I ate, uuuf… solid I ate and den next ting I developed dis oink!"

"But when you take off de suit, I'm sure de oink stops?"

"De oink may stop, but in de meantime, I have grown a tail!"

"You've grown a tail?"

"Yes, see see… dis curly wurly ting." (Turns around to show).

Sure enough, growing out of Lobo Lobo's behind was indeed a tiny swiggly tail.

"And you have grown a pig's tail having eaten a buffet of pork dishes?"

"Yes," Lobo Lobo said miserably.

"I have an idea, why don't you widen your scope of activity and begin a company called ‘Pigs R Us'… and you can all dress up as Hogs and Boars. You can wear a pig suit and call yourself, Pigmalion?"

"Dikuna men, all good ideas, but my Myrtle is not well, I'll have to wait till she recovers."

"I'm sorry to hear that. What ailment does she have?" I asked Lobo Lobo.

"Swine Flu," he concluded with an oink.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul. dacunha@mid-day.com