Cecil the Lion meets the dentist

Dr Walter Palmer, egregious dentist from the USA, killed a magnificent, proud, well-loved Zimbabwean lion called Cecil a few years ago, outraging the world. Illustration by C Y Gopinath using Midjourney

Let's say you have a crore rupees to spare. What would you spend it on? A Rolex Daytona watch, only Rs 25 lakh?

A Hermés Birkin bag for the missus, a mere Rs 10 lakh?

A Bang & Olufsen BeoLab 50 Speaker System, a steal at Rs 20 lakh?

What about a full-grown dead lion, killed at your own hands with a bow and arrow? A throwaway at R38 lakh.

Enough people think that offing a lion is a splendid way to blow up their ill-gotten money. Breeding lions for slaughter by rich people has grown into a sprawling industry.

The hunt options, sometimes sounding like a McDonald's breakfast menu with packages like the 7-day Buffalo and Lioness Combo, include 34 species, kill at will. They range from baboons (only $100), jackals ($200) and zebras ($200) to Broken-horn Cape Buffaloes for bait ($2,500), non-trophy lions ($25,000) and lions ($47,000).

The Zimbabwe government is estimated to have earned $20 million last year from such ‘canned hunting'. South Africa, Tanzania and other countries are close.

The poor lions don't stand a chance. Bred in their hundreds to be butchered, these magnificent creatures are sometimes tranquilised to make them easier to shoot, or wounded to slow them down.

Needless to say, my blood boils. I wonder how it would be if the tables were turned and the hunters became the hunted.

Listen to the story of Dr Walter Palmer, egregious dentist from the USA who a few years ago killed a magnificent, proud, well-loved Zimbabwean lion called Cecil, outraging the world.

We finally caught Walter Palmer hiding in a woodshed in Bloomington, Minnesota. He looked scruffy, with a great unwashed mane, a bit like Saddam Hussein when they found him in Tikrit.

At the summary trial, held in my garage, he was not allowed a lawyer, and no one read him his rights, since we figured he didn't have any after what he had done.

I read out the charges. "You, Walter Palmer, are charged with the brutal, illegal and sadistic killing of Cecil, a beloved Zimbabwean lion, devoted provider to a pride of 22 lions, and father of many adorable cubs. You are charged with doing this like a coward, using a bow and arrow, luring the lion outside his sanctuary onto someone else's farm after wounding him, then killing him in cold blood, and finally sawing his noble head off to hang in your dental clinic's waiting room."

It was decided pretty unanimously in like two minutes flat that Palmer should be released right back into Hwange National Park, this time unarmed. I put my boot on his butt and gave him a shove that sent him staggering into the game reserve.

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He had a lot of walking ahead of him. Hwange is about the size of Belgium, with 108 mammal species, including 19 herbivores and eight carnivores, the highest in the world, and the world's largest herd of elephants.

Word quickly spread among all the great beasts of Hwange that a world-class creep was on the loose in the savannah. Herds of wildebeest, Thompson's gazelles, zebras and giraffes thundered away as soon as they smelt Walter coming.

Even hyenas fled. Elephants trumpeted, calling him really bad names in elephant-speak.

At one point, Palmer realised the animals were avoiding him. I'll be danged, he thought. These critters are scared of me even without my bow and arrow. I bet I could just stare them to death.

On the morning of Walter the Great White Hunter's fourth day there, Jericho the lion found him. Jericho was Cecil's brother, and together they had led a large pride, like one huge joint family.

The big cat walked not far behind the dentist. If Palmer had not been so shagged out from starvation and thirst, he could have seen him just by turning around. When he finally collapsed, dehydrated, Jericho moved right up.

Even for a lion who had sniffed all kinds of animals, the dentist smelt noxious. Jericho growled and pretty soon the rest of the pride joined him. They walked around Palmer, rolling him over, inspecting him. Some cubs nipped at his ankles and legs, leaving small cuts.

The lions had already decided that he wasn't worth killing. Besides lions only kill when they're hungry, and they sensed that Walter would taste really yucky. One by one, they walked back to their acacia tree.

Wow, the dentist thought, from his horizontal position. Even the lions are scared of me. I must be awesome. It's over. I'm alive and safe.

But then an unexpected thing happened. Jericho turned around and walked back towards the gutless little dentist. Reaching him, he stood still, looking down, almost lost in thought. Then he turned around, as though to leave, but still he didn't.

Raising a hind leg like dogs and cats and all animals do, he took aim at the craven dentist's face, and let him know exactly what the animals of Hwange thought of him.

NOTE: Walter Palmer, disgraced dentist, is for real. The revenge story above is all satire.

You can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopi@gmail.com
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The views expressed in this column are the individual's and don't represent those of the paper.