Aana, jaana, Rihaana

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Okay so dear reader, you're aware of the brouhaha around the Myntra logo, right?

There is an objection to the "M" in the logo because it looks like a woman spreading her legs suggestively.

You see, I have founded a company called FOUL - Finding Obscenity in Ur Logos, of which I am president and chairperson.

The primary function of FOUL is to analyse all brand logos for hidden meanings. This is not a Rorschach Test, where abstract images are placed before you, to let your imagination flow. No, we look at your brand logo, your signage, your branding, for subtext. We find subliminal messages. We go beyond the superficial, to unearth the subterranean motives of marketers to insult, mislead or shock the consumer.

We protect the innocent buying consumer. Also, we guard against public sentiments being hurt, with vulgar displays. After all we, Indians are a very sensitive people.

We are now going after the McDonald's brand for their M. To us, at FOUL it looks like a man suggestively on top of a woman. Can you imagine if the M logo of Myntra and M signage of McDonald's were placed one on top of the other…this would be so "offensive" to women!

Since the Pandora's Box has been opened, we are demanding that other companies also change their logos on account of sexual innuendo.

Have a careful dekho at the Starbucks logo, when you next buy a cappuccino - that young lady, the Lady Godiva with the tresses. Have you noticed the seductiveness in that smile?

Of course, FOUL also focuses on non-sexual signs. I mean the Apple logo with a bite mark. The vegans have made their displeasure known…and finally, don't you think the Adidas logo is objectionable? That lotus looks to me like the symbol of a major political party.

Okay, as a self-appointed upholder of truth, I have also begun a second organisation. It's called FIR - Farmers India Rihanna.

You see, the singer Rihanna, is a real enemy of the people of India. She had a plan to destabilise the nation, when she tweeted "why arent we talking about this", referring to the kisan protest. FOUL got to work. What else does her song Umbrella - "You can stand under my umbrella, ella ella eh eh" - mean? Obviously she is inviting the farmers to come to her side, in a devious plot to rouse them up. I mean, this Barbadian singer has also achieved what no one before has managed to before. In the past, no incident, no atrocity however grave, has got Sachin, Akshay, Ajay Devgn, even Virat Kohli to speak up.

One tweet from her and the sovereign nature of India has been challenged. In fact, Virat is doubly angry with her because he feels, her song Rude Boy - "come here rude boy, tonight I'ma let you be the captain" - is a collaboration between her and Ajinkya Rahane to cause havoc within the cricket team on the eve of the India-England test match.

FOUL also analyses names and it is our job to look for deep rooted connections between any two names, especially when there is conflict between the two parties.

We are faced with a particularly complex one - Rihanna and Ranaut. Both have an "anna" and an "ana" in them.

So, we ask the question, who is "Anna" or "Ana"? Is he/she the key to all this chaos and craziness in the country, is she/he a double agent, aiming to shake the unity in India, is she/he a "propagandist
force"?

In time, we will have a Greta understanding.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com