Lobo Lobo and FB

Illustration/Uday Mohite

My cable guy Lobo Lobo came over this morning, steam coming out of his ears.
"Dikuna men, I'm fully fed up. Dis Facebook: total time waste, men. Wot wot tings peepul post? Chhe. Dey say anyting dat comes out of dere gob. My duffer son Lancy, whole day does nutting: he posts 'Bored.' My udder daughter, Petunia, she puts on her wall, 'Life s'''s.' Arre, today only, my padosi, mad fellow called Pintu Ahluwallia, bleddy fool's 25th wedding anniversary, he puts one whole Ram kahani: 'To my loving wife, Bubbly… blah blah... you have stood by me trough tick and tin, you have given us tree loving children, blah blah.' Wot loving children? One is a blinkin charsi. Anyway, my point is, why do we need to read your senti message, men? Arre, turn to your wife and tell her in person. Why should we be party to dis? One duffer, Manikchand, he puts up pichers of his pet poodle, stoopid, bleddy, yappy dog called Maradona, and he says, 'Happy Birthday, my sweet, sweet child,' to de dog, den puts all funny pictures: his poodle with a ribbon round its neck, men.

"Arre, den, dere are stoopid people who put up a map of Sahar Airport and say, 'Checking into Chhatrapati Shivaji International Airport.' And, where are dey going? You would tink Barcelona. Or, Rome to meet de Pope. No men, dey are blinking flying to Bhopal. Den dere are udders who will fly to London and post dere UK number +4421345567772 for all to see. Arre, why you telling me your London number? Am I likely to call you? At de most your wife or girlfriend or banker should be informed.

"Udders will ask, 'Anyone coming trough Zagreb via Belgrade with a stopover at Dubai in the next week? Please carry a parcel for me.' Is it likely dat such a person exists? Or, some udder duffer will say, 'I'm in Machu Picchu for two days, anyone here? Give me a shout.' Arre, apart from a few random llamas, who in hell will just be around? The most widout brains peepul are dose who go to dere fridge, take a bite of chocolate cake, den shoot a photo and post it. Arre, idiot, why I want to see your half-eaten pastry, men? Or, dey'll go to a restaurant and eat like pigs and show us all de empty dishes. Are dey mad o wot? Dis is not Masterchef, where wonderful dishes are displayed. You're showing me empty utensils.

"Den udders will shoot the sunset from the Sea Link, totally out of focus. Their 'friends' will reply, 'What a genius photographer you are sir,' or 'Such a beautiful shot.' Arre, total nonsense. It is like you give anyone an iPhone and an Insta account and dey become bleeding Raghu Rai."

Finally, I asked, "So are you deleting your FB and Insta accounts, Lobo Lobo?" "No, men. It's like dat Hotel California song. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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