Rahul da Cunha: The Good, the Pad, and the Ugly

Illustration/Uday Mohite

So, Sanjay Leela Bhansali has taken longer to make and release 'Padmavat' than the entire period of Mughal rule in India. You also know, dear reader, that 300 cuts have already been administered to the film, right? This has brought its duration down from 5 hours 42 minutes to seven minutes. (attempts are in the offing to bring the length down further to 52 seconds, so it can be played before every other movie in multiplexes).

However, at the moment, all you will see is Deepika dancing to a song called 'Ghoomar Ghoomar'. There is still some joy now in the SLB camp, as the new seven-minute length makes the blockbuster eligible for the 2019 Oscars in the 'Under Ten Minutes Foreign Film' category. See, for all of you uninitiated folk out there, the film was ready in 1998, and initially titled, 'Padmavati, My Saavariya Who Danced In Front of Devdas and Bajirao Mastani in Black'.

But different fringe groups over the years have objected to portions of the title, which got whittled down to Padmavati. Recently the Karni Sena got the 'I' deleted - hence Padmavat. The income tax department however insisted that if the word 'Vat' appears in the title they will be forced to levy a 12% tax. So, in a move as recently as last Friday, an extra 'a' has been added, making it 'Padmavaat'.

However, nothing can shake the resolve of Ms Vasundhara Raje in banning it. But the producers are determined to release it in Rajasthan. Therefore many other options are being considered for the title - in a brainstorm at the production company, 'Padmava' was mooted, but it sounded too much like a Masterchef dessert. A young intern stupidly suggested 'Paa', but he was shot down for obvious reasons. So finally these are the decisions that have been made -

1. Across Western and Northern India, the film will be called 'Pad Before Wicket' starring Virat Kohli and Anushka Sharma.
2. In South Bombay it will be titled 'Paddington 2'.
3. In Bengaluru and North Bombay the film will aptly be named 'Padukone'.
4. In a major coincidence, January 26, will see the release of Padmavaat, along with the premiere of an Akshay Kumar starrer called Pad Man.
Pad Man, based on true events, is about a pioneering salesman who travels all around India with a sanitary pad machine.
Shri Bhansali and Shri R Balki, director of Pad Man, have considered releasing Padmavaat as 'Paad- Man-Vaat' in Rajasthan and calling it a 'period' drama. In their new film, a salesman dressed up as a queen wanders around Rajasthan selling pads chanting 'Stayfree Stayfree'.
Prasoon Joshi and his censor board team are watching this new motion picture, 'Paad-Man-Vaat' as we speak.
Finally the film has been given a UIDAI certificate. This is a category above the U/A, which means it has been virtually linked to your Aadhaar card.
So, whenever you want, you punch in your unique 16 digit code, and you will see a hologram of Ranveer Singh as Alauddin Khilji riding towards you on a horse.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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