Rahul da Cunha: Karni Sena, say ya!

Illustration/Uday Mohite

So, the Karni Sena met for an emergency meeting. The head of the party spoke first. "Rajput mitron, our five months of fame are over since Padmaavat released. Before we fade into oblivion, which Bollywood film do we target next?"

The youngest member, who ran the youth wing called Karni Sena Say Haan Say Yo (KSSHSY) said, 'Dudes, I saw the trailer of Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara - 2. Alia, Katrina and Jacqueline wander through Rajasthan, posing in all our forts. Let's target them."

"Bro…Where did you see the trailer ?" his second in command asked. "See, after I burnt some posters at PVR Milan Talkies in Jaipur…bore ho gaya… so thoda popcorn khaya. Then I went in and watched the movie. Kya kya phrases I learnt…wassup….awesome…."The wise old man of the party said wisely and bravely, "I feel we made some bad mistakes. When I suggested that we will get national attention by throwing stones at a school bus, I meant, it should be a nationwide move. Like, 1000 buses should be pelted simulataneously in 500 towns. By targeting just one Gurugram bus, we failed."

The chief strategist of the group spoke up. "Okay, I've got it….let's hone in on Valentines Day; no other party is going after young lovers, the moral police slot is empty." The head of the KS said angrily, "Man, we should sack you, there's nothing Rajput about that! Every community is against PDA! What makes us special?" "No sir, you don't understand, we need a nationwide presence. What if there is no Bollywood film that insults the Rajputs ever made again, what will we do? We have to find a national issue!" "I have it…yesssssss..let's fly a plane into a building," the head of the Entertainment Commitee said.

"Which building?"

"Uhm..That multiplex at the Lower Parel mall." "Are you an idiot…you know how low you have to fly to do that….the descent has to begin at the Mahalakshmi Racecourse, and there is the danger of crashing into the stables bef0re even reaching Lower Parel." "Arre, that's also good na. If we kill a few horses, it will be equally symbolic. After all, horses were the only means of transport in Rajput history."

There was silence. The party's treasurer spoke up. "I've got it… why don't we kidnap Ranveer Singh…earn some money too."
"Are you an ass, do you know how high-maintenance he is. He will have all kinds of hostage demands, he will ask for a fully equipped gym, a wardrobe. And a bar complete with Royal Stag." "Okay…what about kidnapping Shahid Kapoor?"

"Nahin nahin…no one will care, and we'll be stuck with him till Vishal Bhardwaj makes a new film."

Finally, the oldest senior, who had been quiet till this point, spoke. "Tell me, murkhon, what is the talk of the nation?" "Rahul Gandhi's Rs 63,000 Burberry jacket?" "No idiot, it is the IPL auction. I have been in talks with Raj Kundra and Meiyaapan.." "You want to start an IPL team, sir?" "Yes, we can buy all the unsold players….and call our team the Karni Sena Khillji Killers!"

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

Catch up on all the latest Mumbai, National and International news here

Download the new mid-day Android and iOS apps to get updates on all the latest and trending stories on the go