Lobo Lobo, listen, listen

llustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo was pissed off as he barged into my home. 'Dikuna men, it's too much chhe, I'm fully fed up. I can't take it anymore. You understand, no, wot I'm saying?" he shrieked, Lady Macbeth-like.

"Lobo Lobo, slow down, dude. What's the issue that's making you rage like this?"

"Mr Rahul, boss, wot-wot to say? where to start, men? I'm just tired of people's impatience, men. Attention spans are like zero men, like blinking flies. Peepuls just don't listen men. Dey just don't LISTEN, chhe."

"Can you explain what you mean?"

"Arre I mean de art of convo men, convo."

"'Convo', what's 'convo'?" I asked, confused.

"Conversation, men, convo is de abbreviation for conversation, you din't know dat men? Chhe. You should keep up wid de cool lingo, re," Lobo said, a tad condescendingly.

I decided to keep quiet and listen to Lobo's solo tirade. "Arre, Mr Rahul, no one listens to anyone else anymore. While you're talking, eider dey are on dere mobile phones or dey interrupt. Dey don't allow you to complete your sentence, as if dey kn0w what you're saying." Smoke was emanating from his Dr Spock-like ears.

"See Dikuna men, have you not been trough dis? Tell me, when you are trying to make a point, people keep cutting in, trying to get dere two bits in while you are still talking. De more bugging one is you begin to make a point men, and de duffer finishes your sentence - and it is some uddder point, not wat you intended to say in de first place. Damn bugging men. I mean, can't de person just wait till you finish?"

"Give me an example, Lobo Lobo," I asked.

"So dere is de new Spiderman: Far From Home movie. I didn't much like it, men. So, I'm telling dis blighter, 'You know, Trevor men, dat new Spiderman movie, I found it…" And he finishes my sentence, 'Yeah, it was fantastic. Awesome special effects and what performances.' Bleddy fool, I tell you. Anudder example I'll give you. Dere is dis lady, new minister Mahua Moitra, who caused such a sensation in Parliament talking about fascism. So, I was making de point dat I tink she's amazing. I started de sentence…'Dis Mahua Moitra is quite someting. We should have..." And dis person cuts in and says, 'All nonsense. Trinamool party should practise what dey preach."

Lobo Lobo continued.

"Also peepul are always correcting. If I say I flew SpiceJet to Goa, one smart alec will tell me, 'But you should have flown GoAir. It's cheaper.' If I say, I ate at dis Chinese restaurant, Wing Ling Ching in Oshiwara, one buffoon will tell me, 'No, no, you should have eaten at Ding Ching Ming, the spicy noodles are better.' It's all damn annoying, men."

"So, what's the moral of this story Lobo Lobo?"

"What moral Dikuna men, it's simple chhe. We have become so full of ourselves, no time to listen, to accommodate anyone else. My Myrtle has a term for it, men."

"What is it?" I asked.

"She says, people have become 'I specialists,'" Lobo Lobo concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at
rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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