Lindsay Pereira: So, you want to be a politician?

Your chances of being offered membership in a political party may rise if you are accused of a serious crime. Representation pic

Let's assume you have no qualifications whatsoever. You've been awful at school, dropped out of college because big ideas have always petrified you, and don't know what words like integrity, commitment, honesty or conscience mean. You will, under these circumstances, probably arrive at the only possible route available for more and more people like you in today's India: Politics.

It goes without saying that attempting to become a politician will require you to have all the usual qualities like brazenness, a defiance of authority, disregard for rules and the skin of a rhinoceros. You will also have to fend off minor irritations like journalists asking you about your job, what you have managed to accomplish with money collected from poor Indian taxpayers and whether you intend to do more than simply go on sightseeing trips over the coming years.

First things first though: How will you become a politician? You could, of course, simply print visiting cards that declare you as one, hand them out at street corners and get illegal hoardings wishing you on every birthday or anniversary on behalf of well-wishers who don't really exist. You could also join a local political party, although the chances of them accepting you depend almost entirely on what percentage of your bank balance you are prepared to hand over to them. Your chances of being offered membership may rise dramatically if you are accused of a serious crime. Murder and inciting a riot are good choices, because both will give you enough clout to command attention from senior politicians.

After you have been granted bail and have become a bona fide member of a political party, you may wonder what the job of a politician really is. At one point, in our country's history, it was a role that meant looking after the well-being of every citizen, governing fairly, and doing one's best to make sure India lived up to the promise it made to every citizen in its Constitution. Today, you can make up the role as you go along, and spend most of your time raising funds for your party or doing everything within your power to try and come to power. Remember, in India, with great power comes no responsibility.

If you are unhappy with your political party, or haven't been paid enough for your support during an election, you can always switch to another one depending on what portfolio they offer you, or start a party of your own. You don't have to actually believe in what a party stands for either, because the manifesto will probably be something printed off the Internet anyway. You will have to act as if you believe though, and defend your party vigorously in public until you switch to another party and start defending that one.

The thing to remember is you shouldn't let your complete absence of qualifications prevent you from taking on a ministerial berth at some point in your career. A number of school and college dropouts are routinely placed in charge of India's education policy, while some people are given control of entire states even if the only thing they have managed in their lives is a gymnasium. It's not about what you know, but who you can guarantee votes to. Think long and hard about how you can polarise your voters. Make them feel threatened and they will vote for you out of fear. Give them a non-existent enemy and they will make you their messiah. Learn from the British on how you can divide in order to rule. Some politicians even turn to Adolf Hitler for inspiration.

Ultimately, you have to recognise that choosing to become a politician in India today is to choose a life of leisure over service, a life where morality takes a backseat to naked ambition, where doing good is unimportant and success is defined by how much public money you can divert to your own accounts without anyone raising an eyebrow. Cowherds now have business interests worth thousands of crores on the basis of official salaries that barely extend over a few lakhs. If you have what it takes, and are willing to sacrifice the good of everyone for the betterment of a select few, you will fit right in. You may even become Prime Minister.

When he isn't ranting about all things Mumbai, Lindsay Pereira can be almost sweet. He tweets @lindsaypereira Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com

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