Why India Lost

It has come to my attention that many in India are labouring under the assumption that India lost the World Cup semi-final because sport is a thing of vagary. These people rather misguidedly think that we did well and Australia just did better on the day, and that's just how it is in sport. They think our players should be allowed to return with their heads held high because they gave it their best shot, and put insane amounts of blood, sweat and tears into the tournament. These people are idiots and know nothing. There are several important reasons because of which we lost, and none of them have anything to do with cricket. In truth, they are much more complex, as my research on the hallowed academic forecourt that is social media have led me to some conclusions for our loss:

A disappointed fan reacts after Team India lost the Cricket World Cup semi final against Australia on Thursday. Pic/PTI

>> The match was on a Thursday, and the word Thursday has a A, U and S in it, which means you can make the word "AUS" which means the whole thing was doomed from the start.

>> The players did not sacrifice a baby goat to The News Channel That Shall Not Be Shamed, I mean err, Named.

>> Anushka Sharma.

>> In the fifth over of the innings, I accidentally moved my pillow three inches. I also made tea. This triggered the Australian run-fest that resulted in the score of 327. I take full moral responsibility and resign.

>> There is a foul nexus between the world cricket body and the all-powerful LED television-manufacturer lobby. They engineered this result to get Indian citizens to break their old CRT TVs so now they all have to go out and buy new ones at full price without Diwali discount.

>> When team-mates celebrate, they high-five each other and occasionally hug each other. Such male on male celebration is against our culture. We were merely protecting our culture.

>> Anushka Shankar.

>> If we had won the semi-finals, everyone would have partied during (and possibly after) the final on Sunday. Productivity on Monday morning would have plunged. A wasted Thursday and Monday would be a disaster for our GDP. Our team was being economically responsible.

>> Carrying a heavy gold object back from Australia would have incurred significant customs charges. Players were cost-cutting.

>> Anushka Manchanda.

>> Indian players wanted to come home for the first day first show of anticipated Bollywood blockbuster Barkhaa, starring INSERT NAME HERE and OTHER PERSON.

>> Anusha Dandekar (Sorry, out of famous Anushkas).

Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on www.facebook.com/therohanjoshi