02 August,2009 11:24 AM IST | | Sylvester da Cunha
Sylvester da Cunha takes a few punches of his own
THE Aussies are a friendly easy-going people. Or are they? Nah! Deep down, they nurse a seething resentment that the rest of the world regards them as descendants of convicts. Maybe there's something there.
Not too long ago, England got alarmed at the increasing number of islanders who were breaking the law. So they sentenced the no-hopers to life, and looked for a spot to dump them. They were told of a large chunk of available land at the edge of the world. And that's where they banished their bad 'uns, hoping they'd fall off the map.
But they didn't. They just went on breaking rocks, swearing under their breaths (the origin of 'sledging'). Things changed however when the king granted them a pardon u2013 it was a kind of royal "the hell with you". The Aussies wandered out of their camps and asked a history-defining question, "Where are we?"
It gradually dawned on them that their neighbours were older, highly evolved civilizations who didn't speak Oz.
Here they were: white, ungainly hulks with beer bellies, surrounded by graceful races with sun-blessed complexions. So began their resentment, and they decided to beat the crap out of everybody, starting with the British at cricket.
Indians stoke their envy. We are brainier for a start. How many Aussies have been awarded Nobel Prizes for the "Raman Effect of Light" or the "Chandrashekar Structure of Stars?" How many have won international Spelling Bee contests? No chance. If an Adelaide youngster is asked to spell the letter 'B', he stares at the ceiling, picks his nose, clears his throat and in a strangled whisper answers: "X".
The Indian lad on the other hand mouths the letter "B" several times, letting it sink into his encyclopaedic little brain. "B," he ponders. "Can you repeat that, please?" Then asks probingly: "Does the letter have a Latin or a preu2013Aramaic origin? Was it uttered by Hamlet in his first soliloquy?" Then in a firm, clear voice: "B is the second letter of the alphabet in English, and 25 other European and Indo-Aryan languages".
Who beats who in chess? And how do we compare in looks? Come on. How many Australian Miss Universes or Miss Worlds have you heard of? They don't have a hope unless Priyanka Chopra changes her address to a sheep farm in Queensland.u00a0u00a0
Anthropologists now tell us that thousands of years ago, some Indian tribes migrated to the Antipodes. If the ancients left our shores to escape the mosquitoes, they ran into a continent of flies. Serves them right. (The ancients, not the flies). Anyway it's possible that many of the anti-socials in Melbourne were originally desi. Isn't that typical? Indians being nasty to Indians.
Curry bashing may be a reaction to Indian students not integrating socially. They refuse to go surfing, get pissed on Friday nights, or whistle "Waltzing Matilda". On the contrary, they expect the Aussies to speak Telegu, live 15 to a room and deposit their fluids in public places.
Australian Prime Minister Rudd seeks to eliminate the difficulties faced by Indian students, most of whom enroll in courses teaching hospitality skills. To save them the inconvenience of travelling all the way to Australia, he plans a correspondence course where, sitting at home, they'll learn all the fine techniques that have made Australia a great eating out experience.
The course will be in three parts. Part One will teach 68 ways to ignore patrons when they arrive. If diners persist on seeing the menu, students are taught to explain, "We only have roast kangaroo tonight". Part Two is devoted in great detail to memorising the wide variety of Australia 'plonk' available at very impressive prices. Part Three concentrates on the art of extorting the largest possible tip for the least amount of service. A certificate will be granted to graduates completing the master's course on washing dishes and mopping up.
(The above has been written with a wink and a nudge at my many Aussie pals. They have a great sense of humour, and I'm sure they'll laugh as they knock the daylights out of me.)u00a0
Sylvester da Cunha is the chairman of daCunha Associates, creator of the 42-year-old Amul campaign.
