When Lobo Lobo went loco

llustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo looked blown. He looked bazooka-d. He looked bereft. He looked bajaoed. He looked 'Bumrah-bowled'. He looked blisteringly barnacled. He looked blasted. He looked BJP-ed.

'Lobo Lobo, what's up?" I asked, concerned.

"Dikuna men, wot men, how men, can't understand only men, please enlighten me men, wot to do men!"
"Um, Thelonious, I need a slightly more detailed heads up - it's been a tough week, so which aspect, in particular, is the reason why you look like you've just seen a battalion of ghosts?"

"Okay men, fust things fust, let me explain. My Myrtle wants a replica of de outfit dat Deepika Padukone wore at Cannes men. My missus, she tinks it's damn classy, che, so she's aksing our old, half-blind idiot tailor, Beethoven Django Braganza, to copy it. Frankly men, dat costume looked like a cross between Old Mudder Hubbard and a fluffy green cloud. And my daughter Cindy, dats Cinderella to you, men, wants to copy Aishwarya's golden dress, looked just like dat lady in de James Bond film men, whatchacallit, ah, Goldfinger. I'll bleddy have to buy anudder house jest to store dose dresses men."

I took a momentary breath.

"I'm relieved Lobo Lobo. I thought for a second that you were perturbed by the political happenings, um... the events of the last… that we're now facing five years of…" Lobo Lobo cut in.

"Dikuna men, I was getting dere, men, I was getting dere, patience ya. You're talking of de election results, na? It was a thrashing men. It was like a completely one-sided contest, men. A Mike Tyson knockout punch. Dey won everywhere men, dey, uh, won everyting. Che, it was blinking amazing all over de country, except de South."

Lobo Lobo stopped. He looked even more perplexed.

"Men Dikuna, dis lady men, de saffron wearing one, she's a... wot to say men… she is a terror accused. It was her motorbike in de Malegaon blast men, che. She's been in jail also. She should have been banned. Instead, she is retained and den wins from Bhopal. She even beats a respected minister. An ex-cricketer defeats an educationist. Wot it says about us as a peepul no? Che. Den dere is dat udder lady men, dey cannot decide which ministry to put her, men, fust she is in education, den she is put in charge of textiles and den she is information and broadcasting. I even have a limerick for her:

'Dere was a lady from Yale Who is definitely a BA fail She defeated de Scion His bhashan no one's buyin'
Amethi is now her domain.'"

"So, Lobo Lobo how can everyone have been so wrong?"

"Not wrong, Mr Rahul, social media doesn't cover the hinterland and the Hindi belt and how it thinks men. No debate, only hate men."

"Lobo Lobo, it's all about the people responding to a wave."

"No Dikuna men, it's about one man meditating in a cave."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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