Lindsay Pereira: A permanent diet for all Indians

It's amazing how alcohol has not been banned across India yet. As so many of our learned ministers point out often, drinking is not part of our culture. Pic/AFP

It's amazing how alcohol has not been banned across India yet. As so many of our learned ministers point out often, drinking is not part of our culture. Pic/AFP

No stupid decisions were made by the people in power this week. This came as a surprise and, for a few minutes, it didn't even feel like I was living in India anymore. No one was outraged by anything other than an app either, which annoyed me enormously because I believe we lose a little of our 'Indianness' when we fail to be outraged by things that don't deserve much attention. None of our ministers said anything uncouth or callous, although I blame that on the long weekend, during which they must have taken some time off to relax. After all, everyone knows how tiring it is to raise slogans in the Parliament for a living.

One bright spot came from reports of the Mumbai Metropolitan Region Development Authority (MMRDA) agreeing, in principle, to take over 48.88 kilometres of roads on the Eastern and Western Express Highways. This will mean the roads can be denotified and serve the most important purpose of all - enable the sale of alcohol at restaurants along the stretch that have been forced to shut on account of a recent Supreme Court ban.

Everyone in Bombay is aware of how efficient the MMRDA has always been. Sure, it may take seven years to build something that ought to take a few weeks, but that shouldn't be held against it. One must also take into account that roads can't simply be thrown open to the public without the presence of a minister who has to take time out of his busy schedule to cut a ribbon and inaugurate it.

It's why that organisation's kind gesture will be of great help as the monsoons appro­ach. As we swerve to avoid potholes and escape death by narrow margins daily, we will know that someone from the MMRDA is monitoring the roads this time, as opposed to the BMC. And even if this means the roads won't change in any way whatsoever, at least we will be happy for the people who aren't on them - the ones who choose to sit at bars alongside instead, and drink alcohol, safe in the knowledge that they are no longer consuming it alongside a highway.

Speaking of alcohol, it's amazing how it hasn't been banned across India yet. As so many of our learned ministers point out often, drinking is not part of our culture. Our ancestors didn't consume anything intoxicating, obviously, and survived on a healthy diet of grass, tubers and, possibly, urine, so I don't see why we can't teach ourselves to follow that. This move can also be extremely beneficial to the backward bootlegger community. Those poor souls thrive only in states where alcohol is supposedly prohibited, so I don't see why they shouldn't be given a chance to earn some serious money across the country for a change. And yes, a few thousand of us may die after consuming spurious liquor, but that is the price one must pay to live like our ancestors did, back when we studied under trees.

It boggles the mind that, in 2017, we can't implement a fixed diet for all Indians. Why can't we simply get a few people to represent a billion of us and come up with a permanent menu that we can all follow right through the year? I'm surprised none of our ministers have proposed this yet, unless they have and have put it aside to discuss weightier issues such as the portions of food that must be served at restaurants. If we come up with a fixed menu comprising food and drink that is legal and authentically Indian, we won't have to deal with this silly business of banning something or the other before every second election.

We should all eat the same food, drink the same urine and celebrate our nation. Diversity is overrated and should be done away with as a relic. It is only when a small number of us speak for the vast majority that we can implement this. It's how Germany functioned so efficiently between 1933 and 1945, when one man chose to speak for the nation. Just because that story ended badly for a few million people doesn't mean we should ignore it. After all, propaganda is a great tool if used for something important, like making us all more patriotic. I look forward to more pointless anger from my countrymen and at least two insensitive remarks from leaders over the coming week. It's what makes our country great.

When he isn't ranting about all things Mumbai, Lindsay Pereira can be almost sweet. He tweets @lindsaypereira Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com