'I seek to grow and survive and explore'

That's a line from one of Shobhit Kaushal's poems. The 18-year-old who is in the terminal stages of cancer is making the most of his time through artistic expression paintings and poems

There are times...
There are times, in the middle of the night, when I sit up and pray.
I pray for my pains; I pray, for I feel privileged for having all that I have had,
The cancer and the love and care that followed make me thankful and glad.
The pinches and pricks that made me stay all night awake,
But that pinching and pricking, I know, were all for my sake.
The shells and cocoons I was limited to at times failed to stop me and my ambitions from committing some very precious crimes.
But the crimes also did happen to show me the extremes, to reveal certain reasons for my being alive until now,
To whisper in my ear that the sky is my field and to echo that I have the strength needed to sow and to plough.
Though the whispers at times were harsh, or my ears at times too weak.
At times they got drowned in the noise all around
And at times in all the drowsiness they let me rest, leaving a kiss on my cheek.
But I was determined, eager to keep on the move,
When it was difficult to make them believe, I worked hard to so prove.
So I get up at times, in the middle of the night, to pray.
To pray for making me such and for whispering those secrets to me,
For making me so privileged, for making me that one.

Cancer and me
A curse like lightning fell upon me,
For a moment all got blurred and I could not see.
Will I die or survive, I thought,
Because in the hands of cancer I got caught.
I sat whole day like a man paralysed,
Feeling I was caught in a cave loaded with dynamite.
Tears came out, sufficient to fill a pot,
But I tell you, Sir, I lie a lot.

This was not at all what I felt,
This was just to make your hearts melt.
I am a boy strong and bold,
And never reacted as I earlier told.
I don't like to cry for small things like cancer,
I just like to drive on Marine Drive in my imaginary Lancer.
Cancer is also an experience god wanted me to taste.
And I tell you, Sir, it's tastier than chocolate paste.

The candle of hope always burns bright,
It brings in your life light, only light,
But to achieve that light you have to fight,
Cancer is also a challenge I have to meet
But I am sure that the illness I will defeat.
Written at age 14

Listen to me, my friends
Please don't look at me with pity, but love me and admire me for what I am,
Please don't cry for me, because I find it difficult to shed my own tears,
Just be my strength and hold my hand and help me pull out these deadly spears.
For I know that in some time I'll definitely pull them out,
For I know I still have to live till I find my holy spout.

Be with me if you can be my leader, can cheer me when I sometimes feel lazy.
Stay with me if you can be strong enough to slap me to wake me up when I fall asleep.
For it's a journey, a battle that I know I want to fight...
Even in times when pain turns my vision hazy.

So I am determined and my agony further strengthens my belief,
I seek to grow and survive and explore.
What I don't want is just temporary relief.
So let me be in pain, for it's what'll take me through,
Just passing of days and nights in hope is not the journey I seek.
Help me discover what I am in true.

There will be times when I have to walk, dragging this wounded leg of mine, Leaving blotches of blood along my way.
Then please don't come with cotton swabs to wipe these marks,
Don't come either to cover up my wounds.
Just help me take another step ahead or praise me so that I can take it on my own,
Remind me of all that blood I have shed in the past and ask me to move.

There will be times when I won't feel like picking up my brush
Or when I feel it painful to sing for you,
Then sing a few lines for me and ask me to end that song,
And then again ask me to sing in love for you,
So that one day, I can make the world sing along.

So consider me as normal as you are, as wicked as a nineteen-year-old can be.
Let me share my fantasies with you,
Some of those forbidden secrets you hide let me also see.
Just be a true friend to me and remind me to be what I want to be,
It's a condition now if you love me, my friend,
Please smile for me so that I can also reply in a smile... It's my only plea.