Riding a rollercoaster

Ritu Gorai believes in working together with her daughter to find solutions

A recent study published in The Lancet - Child and Adolescent Health pointed out that reduced face-to-face contact during the pandemic could have lasting long-term consequences on adolescents. While lockdown-induced isolation has taken its toll on most age groups, adolescents may be disproportionately affected, the study said, keeping in mind the crucial role played by peer interaction in this phase of development. Dr Sapna Bangar, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at MPower, explains that children in this age group rely much more on their peers as an emotional support system than their parents. "At this age, it becomes important for children to relate to their friends. They are beginning to assert their independence and are forming their own identities. This is the age when they begin to step out of their parents' shadow for the first time." It is normal for children of this age to feel misunderstood by their parents. While under usual circumstances, they would vent to their friends who are also experiencing similar highs and lows, they are now deprived of these interactions with no outlet for their frustrations.

Dr Sapna Bangar

Dr Nahid Dave, a psychiatrist at Insight Clinic adds that peer relationships fulfil multiple purposes during this age. "Children's self-esteem is related to their position in the peer group. On the other hand, being excluded from the peer group teaches them resilience. Children experience dopamine highs when they are appreciated by their peers. Peer relationships lay the foundation for several situations that children will encounter in their later lives."

Dr Nahid Dave

Many parents struggle to adjust to their children's new-found sense of identity and independence - they still try to discipline their child in the same ways as they did when the child was younger. The child perceives this as nagging and this results in rebelliousness or 'acting out'. Without the buffer of social interactions, this can lead to friction in a family, she says. Add to this the fact that many parents are under huge stress and are struggling to balance their professional and domestic expectations with their parenting duties, and it's easy to see why parents also have a much lower threshold from frustration tolerance. This can negatively impact their relationship with their adolescents.

Acing the balancing act

1 Encourage autonomy: Instead of trying to enforce a schedule, give your child responsibilities and the freedom to choose when they want to address these, says Dr Dave. Be realistic and reasonable about deadlines.

Santoshi Jain, a 44-year-old entrepreneur, gives her whole attention to her two adolescent children when they need to speak, and she feels that this has strengthened their communication

2 Listen: Listening to and validating your child's fears and frustrations during the lockdown can help. Santoshi Jain, a 44-year-old entrepreneur and mother to two adolescents, says that she prioritises being available for her children. "In the past, I have occasionally asked them to wait while I wrapped up work or other commitments. In doing so, I realised that the moment had passed. I give my children my whole attention when they need to speak with me and have discovered that this has strengthened our communication," she says. Dr Dave adds that parents shouldn't force their child to communicate or try to emotionally blackmail them into opening up, as it could backfire.

3 Seek solutions: Switching her child's school during the lockdown was a difficult decision for Ritu Gorai, 36, entrepreneur, especially since this meant that her 10-year-old daughter was caught between a new and old set of friends. "While I do encourage her to interact with her peers, there are times when she will approach me and complain of boredom. Instead of rushing to offer her a solution in the form of an activity or entertainment, I believe in teaching her that it is okay to occasionally feel bored and frustrated. I also share my own struggles with her. If she is keen, we work on a solution together. Else, I leave her to her own devices," she shares.

Priyanka Bajaria

4 Connect, observe: Psychologist Priyanka Bajaria says that adolescents often communicate their needs by either withdrawing or lashing out. "They may be uncomfortable with the vulnerability that comes with directly talking about their feelings. It is important for parents to watch for clues. Do this by observing their behaviour, without taunting or criticism. Are they cooped up in their room for hours together? Are they skipping meals? Communicate your observations in a non-judgmental manner. Find opportunities to engage with them," she says.

5 Highs and lows: Adolescents can sometimes act out like toddlers and, on other occasions, surprise you with their wisdom, says Bajaria. "It's important to navigate these fluctuations by responding appropriately. Your parenting style will have to evolve in correspondence to their age. It is important to establish yourself as a 'safe person' instead of an authority figure," she adds. When your children are in a heightened emotional state, raising your voice will further escalate the situation. Stay calm, let the wave ride, and approach them at a better time.

Further, collaborate with them in making decisions. Believing that you trust them will increase the chances of them complying with you. If you do disagree or disapprove of any of their ideas or behaviours, put forth your views on the topic and present different scenarios for them to reflect on. Give reasons when laying down boundaries and be assertive, not aggressive.

Sushma IR

6 Give and take: Adolescents relate well to social media. Parents shouldn't dismiss such platforms or highlight articles that ridicule it, advises counselling psychologist Sushma IR. "Give your child space when s/he is communicating with friends. Simultaneously, you can also ask for space when you need it. Do not take away your child's access to his/her mobile phone or the Internet as a form of punishment, especially in the current scenario. This can be counterproductive," she cautions.

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