Experts suggest ways to handle a situation when private matters go public

(From left) Prince William, Prince of Wales; Sophie, Countess of Wessex; Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge; Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex as the coffin of Queen Elizabeth arrives at Westminster Hall for her lying in state on September 14, 2022. Pic Courtesy/Getty Images

Everyone loves gossip, except when they are being discussed. Most of the world will not be able to relate to the magnitude of talk going around about the Royal Family and the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.

And it's highly probable that even if we were to share a memoir, including relationship-damaging tales in a book, it wouldn't sell 1.4 million copies in one day like Prince Harry's Spare did when it was released last week, and have spectators or one party's supporters launch vicious attacks against the other like it has been done in the case of Meghan Markle. However, it would cause a stir among relatives and within the neighbourhood, which can be unpleasant, considering the relative size of our worlds.

And when family matters become public it's bound to have multiple sides to the story. In such a scenario, should rumours and airing dirty laundry be dignified with a response, and how? Three experts share ways to navigate the situation.

Respond, don't react

Dr Vidhya Nair, holistic psychologist, highlights that healthy, respectful communication, working towards resolving issues responsibly, finding middle ground, scoping ways to let go of resentment, and forgiveness with accountability in the future are ways to resolve any issues in a relationship. "It is, after all, a personal matter within the family, which is to be resolved amongst themselves. According to me, it is an issue only the ones involved can truly understand." But when public accusations are made and private narratives are shared openly, it can be damaging to one's image or make it difficult for them to live their daily life.

A requisite for family therapy to work is willingness from all to move towards a resolution and be committed to counselling sessions

In this case, Nair shares that the individual who has been attacked would often resort to their survival instincts to deal with the situation. It could be fight, flight or freeze. She adds, "One often speaks up when they find it difficult to deal with a one-sided story being told, and its consequences; one would like to justify their side for their sense of security and peace. If they feel secure enough in themselves, they might not feel a need to speak up against the accusations and would just choose to not do anything about it."

Ektaa Rupani, image consultant and soft skills trainer, reminds us that every action does not need an equal and opposite reaction. Reiterating this, Dr Meghna Singhal, trauma-informed psychotherapist and parenting educator, adds, "Such a situation is bound to make you feel embarrassed or angry; these are valid reactions. But your response should be measured and not a knee-jerk reaction. You can maintain a dignified silence since it is not your job to explain yourself to the neighbourhood.

Dr Vidhya Nair and Ektaa Rupani

What would be the purpose of a response to outsides and their validation? It will only be more drama for outsiders to watch. On the other hand, you can share your side of the story with close friends or confidantes for emotional support."

Time to speak out

Helping us find a balance between the two sides, Rupani says, "There is dignity in silence, and it can send out a message stronger than words. However, sometimes your silence may be perceived as weakness, leading to more mudslinging and maligning by family members. But you do not have to deal with such behaviour."

Dr Nair adds, "If matters move beyond healthy boundaries and cause emotional, economic, social or physical harm; one must speak up for their own safety and security." Dr Singhal continues that in such cases following the right forum to speak, with professional help and support, is very important.

Breaking the cycle of rebuttals

Those involved can move on from responding to the accusations and narratives of others if everyone is willing to mend the relationship or if one party steps away from feeding into public drama. Here, family therapy can be recommended. Dr Singhal notes that a requisite for therapy to work is willingness from all parties to move towards a resolution and commit to the process.

Prince Harry's book on display

Dr Nair adds, "Mending the relationship would mean that both parties must find middle ground with compassion towards each other and approach the situation from a space of empathy and understanding. It would require forgiveness and working with accountability. If both parties don't see this, they have to accept their differences and choose to move on, for their own well-being."

Dr Meghna Singhal

Rupani advices on the best possible way to approach this perspective, "Often, we base our judgments on past experiences with family members. For instance, real or imagined preference of one child over the other by parents can lead to the latter feeling [jealous] and carrying the same feelings into adulthood. Hence, try reviewing the situation after keeping aside biases and mindsets. Assess the situation for what it currently is, and not what you had perceived it to be long ago.