15 May,2023 08:27 AM IST | Mumbai | Tanishka D’Lyma
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In the latest âTikTok-made-me-do-it' moment, an American couple Abby and Matt Howard tried sleep divorce, where they slept separately for better sleep quality. Does it work? The results are divided; some couples found that it affected their romance or drove a wedge between them while others, like the Howards, 10-on-10 recommended it. With a newborn in the picture, it was easier for them to sleep separately and have one parent attend to the child during the night. So, how do you go about sleep divorce? Who should and shouldn't opt for sleeping separately? How do you ensure it doesn't affect the romance?
Surabhi Dand, pranic healer, counselling psychotherapist and co-author explains that sleep divorce includes sleeping in different rooms or beds while keeping a healthy objective towards the relationship, and your mental and physical wellbeing.
But does this kill the romance? Shahzeen Shivdasani, relationship expert and author of Love, Lust and Lemons tells us that it can affect intimacy because there are reduced opportunities when you don't sleep in the same bedroom. But that doesn't mean that sleep divorce is a mood-killer. "Some of the ways to keep the romance alive are to create those moments and make time for them. Prioritise quality time outside the bedroom. Make sure that you find ways to have fun together and create a space for bonding and chatting," Shivdasani says.
If you want to take the sleep divorce route, Shivdasani suggests having an open and honest conversation about your needs with your partner, establishing a new routine, communicating during the transition to see how each person is doing and ensuring to spend daily quality time together.
Noting that this act can bring in some insecurities and a lack of belongingness, Dand adds, "Couples should understand the difference between emotional intimacy and erotic intimacy, and the importance of both. Some relationships may be at risk of going cold if physical touch isn't made a priority. If couples feel there is a gap due to sleep divorce, fill it with morning hugs, writing notes, and texting in the middle of the day to make each other feel loved, while doing yourself justice with your sleep."
Dand elaborates that seven to eight hours of sleep is essential for optimum brain health and hormonal health. "The expectation of being intimate at night can add pressure on spouses, steal sleep and affect the libido. There is no rule to intimacy and you can't always plan it, but you can find different ways, time and methods to achieve it," she explains.
Dr Meghana Dikshit, author, and brain and performance expert, notes that it is a known fact that sleep is the most important recuperative activity for the brain and body. "Brain waves change during deep sleep. It is at the right delta wavelength for repair to take place in the neuropathways. It induces neurogenesis in
the brain to start healing, breaking old behavioural patterns, and encourages harmony in body and mind," she explains.
Dr Dikshit adds that the number of hours required by an individual may vary. "We have to ensure that our sleep environment, night routine, and habits give us the best possible rest at night. As long as the couple makes a concerted effort to stay emotionally and physically close, sleep divorce could actually be a remedy for unavoidable issues like sleep apnea and snoring," she explains.
Is it for us?
Most importantly, who should and shouldn't opt for sleep divorce? Dand shares, "Try it only if you are able to assess it correctly and have a positive perspective on bridging the gap between healthy sleep, body and intimacy. Don't opt for sleep divorce if the consent is not mutual or if you fight and sleep in separate rooms, that could make matters worse." Sticking to the adage, she concludes, "And don't go to bed angry. Take a break, come back and resolve it. Sleep divorce plus healthy discussion can solve issues."
Dand's clients are Deepika (40), an HR professional, and Suraj (40), marketing and sales head, who are happily married Mumbaikars. When their child was born, they found their sleep patterns and intimacy getting disturbed. They tried sleep divorce after being walked through the steps. It was beneficial in terms of balancing their needs while splitting parenting night duty and coping with work. (Names changed on request)
Pros
. Quality sleep: Some people have certain needs for their sleep routine such as noise levels or the firmness of the mattress. Sleep divorce allows you to cater to them and have fewer sleep-related issues.
. Sleep disruptions: Sleep divorce also eliminates dealing with the habits of the other person that may disrupt your sleep patterns. This includes snoring, different sleep schedules, and moving around in one's sleep too much.
Cons
. Emotional disconnection: Sharing the same bed can promote physical touch and emotional intimacy. The lack of proximity can lead to fewer intimate moments and create a sense of emotional disconnection.
. Societal stigma: Viewing this as a new concept, some people may have a negative outlook towards it. This stigma may cause some couples to feel judged about their decision.
Shahzeen Shivdasani, relationship expert
