What is ‘love bombing' and how to steer clear of it

We all know how complicated dating can be. Media and dating applications have influenced dating in a way which is unprecedented. While many budding relationships die due to the lack of communication, difference in expectations, or simple logistics, people indulging in negative behaviours like ‘gaslighting' (manipulating someone into doubting themselves) and ‘ghosting' (when a person stops responding out of the blue) isn't helping. Another such dating malpractice that has been trending lately is ‘'love bombing'', which refers to excessive - and manipulative - positive reinforcement (in the form of appreciation and attention) in the early stages of a relationship.

Desire, affection, and support tend to be reciprocal in healthy romantic relationships, but in cases of 'love bombing', attention flows in a single direction. We spoke to multiple experts to better understand what 'love bombing' is, what are the signs one can look out for, how it impacts wellbeing, and how one can steer clear of it.

What is 'love bombing'?

"'Love bombing' is when someone overwhelms you with loving words and behaviour as a manipulation strategy. The singular objective behind this is to win over a person to serve their own motives. Some of the typical behaviours that are indicative of 'love bombing' are when there are too many gifts, excessive attention, and not taking ‘no' for an answer," explains psychologist Dr. Vimal Kumar, who has over two decades of experience.

Everyone craves attention, especially from their romantic partners which makes 'love bombing' a tricky slope. "Most of it feels good as the undivided attention makes one feel important. However, the intention is to manipulate as though you owe them something. People who are victims of 'love bombing' often use phrases like, ‘I was swept off my feet', or ‘it happened so fast and felt so good, I had no time to think'," says Kumar.

Why do people indulge in 'love bombing'?

"'Love bombing' might stem from an unmet need of validation, where the person who indulges in extravagant gestures needs the other person to reciprocate and give them the sense of validation, commitment, or appreciation which they might be lacking in their life. In many cases it has been observed that 'love bombing' becomes a source of manipulative behaviour and can lead to mental and emotional abuse", observes Dr. Ruhi Satija, a city-based psychiatrist and counselling therapist.

It is difficult to determine if you are being emotionally abused when it is in the form of compliments, gifts, and other positive reinforcement. "The abuser takes advantage of the gestures made, and expects and at times forces the receiver to act in a desired manner as a compensation of the gestures and make them feel guilty if they don't comply. Many a time people fall prey to these gestures and have a feeling of the relationship being too good to be true. It is important that if one finds themselves in a situation where everything feels perfect, they pause and take stock of the situation objectively," adds Satija.

What are the warning signs to watch out for?

"There are many signs that are good enough to let you know that the one you are dating is actually a love bomber," says Shivani Misri Sadhoo, psychologist and couples therapist. Below, she lists a few warning signs:

• They wish to spoil you. Take note if your partner starts giving you expensive gifts in a short duration of time.
• They wish to be with you all the time. If you feel any guilt stemming from establishing boundaries or seeking your own space, it is a bad sign for you.
• You and I are meant for each other. Be alert, specifically if things get too intense too quickly and mention you as a soul mate or life partner too early.
• They demand your time and attention and are looking to isolate you from your family and friends.
• There are too many compliments, ‘I like everything about you' being the trickiest of them all as it can make your head spin.
• There can be bombardment of phone calls, messages, and too much time spent on social media.
• A rush for commitment. They want you to make a commitment instantly, and don't take ‘no' for and answer.
• Getting upset when you try to set boundaries, for example not calling during work hours.

How does 'love bombing' impact one's wellbeing?

"'Love bombing' could be quite detrimental to one's mental health because it is a sort of emotional abuse. Let us assume if a person gives something you will feel that you also owe them something equivalent or bigger in return. For instance, if your partner is showing too much love, affection you will also have the pressure to do the same, that too very early in your relationship. You will feel compelled to return the same despite feeling the red flags early on. Since this may become a routine, as a result, it may develop into a cycle of abuse as well. Because when love bombers gain control over someone's mind or heart, it adversely boosts their ego and as a result, they will feel that they can do whatever they want from you. In simpler words, a love bomber is good enough to affect someone's decision-making," says Sadhoo.

To explain the actualities of such a situation, Satija recounts, "I recently had a client who felt she was being emotionally abused. Her partner would give her the most expensive things, treat her to expensive experiences, but if she was not compliant, or wouldn't agree to something he said, he would become abusive. He would also demand constant attention, would get jealous and insecure if she would even have a simple conversation with a male colleague, constantly remind her of all the things he does for her, and use that to get his way."

Awareness is the first step to getting oneself out of an unsafe position, but the damage persists. "Eventually, she felt the relationship was not okay and wanted to quit, but that is when he became physically abusive towards her. This disturbing experience led to development of symptoms of anxiety and stress, she also felt she had lost her confidence and self-worth because of the way she had been treated," shares Satija.

What to do if you're being love bombed?

"Good relationships need space and time. If you are in a relationship and you feel things are happening too quickly, pause and pay attention to your gut as it's telling you something. If you feel pressurised then the best thing you can do is to slow down, take a backward step, and remind yourself of your limitations and boundaries. It is wise to be alert and pay attention to your partner's behaviour as well as how you respond to it. If you feel like you are being pressured in any manner, you may be targeted. So look to avert getting wrapped up in the situation, and remember to safeguard yourself," concludes Sadhoo.

Also Read: These are the dating trends that Indians are looking towards in 2022