Mid-day Explains | World Mental Health Day 2024: Coping with rejection in romantic relationships

In June, a 20-year-old woman was brutally murdered in Vasai East by a man in broad daylight. The man used a pipe wrench to hit her on the head and chest before throwing it on the road, after which he sat down near the body. The incident shocked everybody around them. According to reports, the brutal killing was due to problems in their six-year-long relationship, and the belief that she was cheating on him. Later, it also came to light that her parents hadn't approved of the man and had told her to end their relationship. The subsequent actions highlight how he didn't take the rejection well. Why it was hard for him to not accept the rejection is an aspect we may never know. However, it highlights the effect of people in romantic relationships not handling rejections properly and the effect it has on their mental health.

Every year, World Mental Health Day is observed on October 10 to raise awareness, educate and advocate more about the social stigma. Over the years, there has been a growing focus on mental health in personal and professional life but the one aspect that is often lost is how people are affected when a relationship goes sour or face rejection. Like in the case of the Vasai couple, it leads them to take many different kinds of drastic actions that include murder too. The National Crime Records Bureau's (NCRB) 2023 report highlighted that there were 4,45,256 cases of crimes against women reported in 2022 showing a rise of 4 per cent from 2021.

With a growing number of crimes against women in romantic relationships, mid-day.com spoke to psychologist and psychotherapist and relationship expert Swapnil Pange to know why it is hard to handle rejections in romantic relationships. Along with Pange, Dr Sonal Anand, psychiatrist at Wockhardt Hospitals in Mira Road and Narendra Kinger, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist at Holy Family Hospital in Bandra also share how people can deal with rejections, and work on their mental health. The experts also highlight how people who have rejected the other person can recognise triggering signs of violence, and why there is a need to report it.

How does one approach rejections in a relationship?
Pange: Rejections in romantic relationships are hard. Rejection in a relationship can be a painful experience, but it's important to understand that it's a common occurrence. Rejections in a relationship simply mean that your partner has not rejected you, but they chose someone else over you. It has nothing to do with you being ‘good' or ‘bad'. Don't take it personally. We obviously feel sad, and disappointed as we invested in the relationship, and we expect returns. So, don't label yourself as lucky or unlucky as your relationship is broken. Maybe be two of you just couldn't get well along with each other.

Anand: Rejection from someone who you love and want to get in a relationship can be a hard pill to swallow. One may feel embarrassed, frustrated, agitated, restless, and irritated. However, you being rejected should not burden the other person with unnecessary guilt. You should calmly respect their decision and stop bombarding them with multiple questions related to the rejection.

Kinger: While rejections in a relationship are painful, it also gives one an opportunity for growth or improvement. We can overcome rejection by letting go of our emotions attached to the relationship, by practicing self-care, and reframing our thinking to "that rejections are opportunities to get better and focus on rebuilding self-esteem and reach out to loved ones, therapy, or support groups for such trying times. The development of emotional intelligence holds great importance in dealing with rejection. Manage your emotions, develop empathy, and maintain effective communication. Long-term growth will arise from establishing resilience, learning new strategies, and recovering one's self-esteem. One can also opt for professional assistance in handling emotions and enhancing emotional strength.

Also Read: Gen Z redefines romance: What is simmer dating?

Are there early signs that one can pay attention to help them prepare better for it?
Pange: There are some red flags of rejection that you may pay attention to avoid stress further:
1. Partner avoids you frequently and prefers spending time with someone else
2. Frequently ignoring your needs and desires and instead giving importance to someone else's
3. After fights, you are the ones who always take the lead to initiate communication, and it seems that they can go for days without talking to you

Anand: Various signs can help you understand that someone is not interested in you or doesn't want to form a romantic relationship with you. If the other person starts to avoid you, may seem distant, or doesn't like it when they are paired with you can be the warning signs of a potential rejection in the future.

Why is it hard for so many people to handle rejections in romantic relationships?
Pange: People who have an anxious attachment style find it difficult to handle rejection because they are dependent too much on their romantic partners. They cannot imagine their life without their partners. They have extreme fear of abandonment causing constant insecurity and anticipated anxiety in a relationship. When the relationship ends, such people with an anxious attachment may experience intense emotional experiences including feelings of worthlessness, anger and sadness.

Anand: Rejection in a romantic relationship can be overwhelming as you start to invest a lot in this relationship emotionally. You may have certain dreams or expectations from this relationship and seeing them being shattered can feel like a personal loss. One may start to compare themselves with other happy couples in their surroundings which can worsen their pain of rejection.

Kinger: Rejection triggers the basic fears of abandonment, shame, and inadequacy that are prevalent in all human beings to some extent. Our attachment styles and past experiences of relationships can exacerbate our vulnerability. Societal pressures and idealizing romantic notions, ideals, or fantasies often create impossible expectations from our relationship. Processes in the brain for rejection are akin to actual physical pain; inducing the release of stress hormones and putting the person in a fight-or-flight response.

What are the reasons that people can face rejection in a relationship?
Pange: There could be incompatibility issues such as a mismatch of beliefs and values, life goals, communication styles and mainly personality incompatibility. Some other factors could be past trauma of the person, trust issues and physical compatibility issues as well.

Anand: Multiple factors can lead to rejection in a romantic relationship. The way you behave, and your attitude towards them can influence the status of your relationship. If you are unable to understand the feelings of your partner or easily get aggressive and rude when angry can be the potential reason for a rejection.

How can couples approach challenges in their relationships?
Pange: Encouraging open and honest communication, willing to compromise on personal desires for the sake of relationships, seeking therapy for resolving issues from professional therapists.

Anand: If you are experiencing various hardships and challenges in your relationships, then acknowledging the real problem can be helpful. Couples should also express their genuine feelings, opinions, and disappointments about their relationships. This can help resolve the problem.

How is handling rejection in a long-term relationship different from those who are pursuing somebody to get into a relationship with them?
Pange: In a long-term relationship, the emotional investment is much deeper as compared to the other one. Hence, there is intense emotional experience causing significant distress after breaking up making it difficult for a person to move on. Also, in a long-term relationship, the presence of commitment, shared goals, memories and aspirations makes it difficult to move on after breaking up. Handling rejection in a long-term relationship is also much harder and is an intense emotional experience because it damages the self-esteem of the person involved.

Anand: Experiencing rejection from a long-term relationship is completely different for those pursuing someone to be in a romantic relationship with them. It's the amount of time spent that makes the huge difference. Getting rejected by someone with who you have spent major years of your life can be disheartening as you are mentally and physically connected with them. It may become difficult to get back to your normal routine as a single by being in a relationship for longer.

Over the last year, we have seen many people take extreme actions like murder after being rejected. What leads to these extreme actions?
Pange: The main reason is underlying mental health-related concerns such as depression, substance abuse, and personality disorders, which need clinical interventions and counselling. People who have low frustration tolerance, who can't take no, are impulsive, and vulnerable are likely to engage in violent actions like murder, after being rejected. Some of these could be having borderline personality, narcissistic personality and or antisocial personality disorder. Sometimes, people follow what they follow on social media, news, movies and television and end up harming their loved ones.

Anand: Everyone has their way of coping with rejection from their favourite person. Some may try to move on while some may try to hold personal grudges in their mind. Extreme actions like hurting them physically can be an indication of their aggressive behaviours and unstable mental health.

Kinger: Extreme reaction to rejection often manifests in the form of physical violence or causing harm to a partner, often due to untreated issues involving mental health problems, extreme possessiveness, or past baggage and trauma. Entitlement, shame, or desperation can all make the behavior destructive. One must be able to spot warning signs - as much and as soon as possible. Extreme emotional dysregulation or aggressive behaviour needs to be picked up by one's partner. Safety should be the first concern, and family and friends should support those affected by rejection-related violence. Achieving this would entail handling the deeper issues and assistance from professionals to avoid a full-blown outbreak. For crisis support, there are community resources, hotlines, and emergency services you can get help from.

Also Read: Expert tips to keep your mental and physical health on track post festive season

For people who have rejected the other person, how can they be prepared for any extreme reactions?
Pange: Here are some steps to keep in mind:
1. Communicate rejection, assertively, and precisely. Don't give mixed signals or ambiguous signals.
2. Anticipate a negative response from the rejected person
3. Establish boundaries
4. Reduce contact or no contact at any cost
5. Inform your family members
6. If required seek legal help and psychological counselling.

Anand: It takes courage to express your disapproval of a romantic relationship knowing that it may hurt someone else's feelings. Ensure that you express your thoughts clearly and calmly without creating any type of misunderstanding. If you feel that the other person may feel attacked or react negatively then try distancing yourself from them to ensure your safety.

Kinger: Working through rejection requires one to have a high level of empathy, compassion, and preparation in terms of knowing how to 'end the relationship in a manner that is sensitive to both the givers and the takers. Rejection often breeds an intense emotional reaction, including feelings of abandonment, shame, and inadequacy which can play into extreme reactions such as emotional dysregulation, aggressive behaviour, or thoughts of suicidal ideation. Such risks may be avoided by careful consideration of the timing and location for discussion: find some private quiet place with no distractions, where emotions can be tackled; clearly communicate your decision, without blame or accusation, demonstrate empathy, and compassion through feeling and acknowledging.

Do men take rejection worse than women or does rejection have no gender?
Pange: Traditional perspective on gender roles portrays men to be strong, dominant, and in control. Rejection in relationships can be a big blow to this perception of men causing intense reactions by them. Women are likely to perceive the rejection as a personal failure or worthlessness. While women are more likely to seek professional help or support post-break-up in a relationship, men may engage themselves in various activities as a means of distraction to cope with the loss. Abuse of substances or addictive behaviours can be common across all genders.

Anand: It is a common myth that men are unable to take rejection compared to women. Gender plays no role in the way an individual reacts towards rejection. What makes the difference is their personality and behavioural pattern. If they are calm and sorted, then they might understand your condition but if the other person is short-tempered then it may lead to some extreme reactions.

Kinger: Research has suggested that even though a male and a female do suffer rejection equally in emotional terms, the perception of pain and distress, and the way they express it may be influenced by social expectations or gender role orientation. A man may refuse to accept his feelings or hit out at others in a variety of aggressive ways. A woman is likely to brood over her feelings, as science has found out that brooding and obsessive thinking are injurious tendencies. Individual differences are therefore greater than any particular gender. Recognise that rejection pains everyone differently, regardless of gender.

What are some of the tips and steps that people can take to handle rejection and prevent their mental health?
Pange: Follow these tips to handle rejection better in your romantic relationships:
1. It's okay if someone rejects you. They have all the right to do so. You have the choice to accept the rejection gracefully.
2. Express your feelings or share with your close ones
3. Take care of your mental health and seek support
4. Give time yourself to grieve the loss of a relationship and don't jump onto any other relationship too quickly.

Anand: People often tend to neglect their feelings and try to act cool. This can take a negative toll on their mental health leading to depression, anxiety, and stress. Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions associated with rejection like sadness, frustration, or anger. But remember that your grief should not be a burden for the other person. Try to divert your mind by indulging in activities that help you stay calm and happy like doodling, cooking, traveling, or going for an evening walk.

Disclaimer: This information does not replace professional medical advice. Consult a qualified mental health expert for personalised guidance.