Know your love language this Valentine’s Day

A trendy term that has deep roots in the human psyche, love languages refer to the five different ways in which people experience and express love. Based on patterns he had observed while counselling couples, Dr Gary Chapman first introduced the concept in his book, ‘The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts'.

The notion is simple: every person has a primary love language that prefers to receive love, and it's important to understand and communicate in your partner's love language to strengthen your relationship. Ahead of Valentine's Day, Simrat Singh, therapist at The Mood Space sheds light on the five languages of love, their significance in maintaining healthy relationships, and helps you identify your primary love language.

What are love languages?
The term love language has been popularised in recent pop cultural usage and has also seeped into our vocabularies. The widespread adoption of this concept is owing to its applicability in our everyday lives and its impact. Love languages can essentially be conceptualised as the different ways we humans like to express and receive love. You can also think of love languages as ‘emotional languages.'

Just as people from different countries speak different languages to express and understand each other, each person has a unique language to express and understand love. This means that although there exist different love languages, five to be precise, and we all often conceptualise love and affection as a combination of all five, each individual still may have a primary love language or preferred way of expressing and receiving love that most easily translates for them as affection.

This can be understood as your ‘mother tongue' so to speak. While we may be fluent in other languages too, we often feel most understood in our mother tongue. With this basic understanding, it would be now helpful to understand what these five languages are.

The five languages of love:

Words of affirmation
The first one, which is called ‘words of affirmation' involves using words, both written and verbal, to give expression to the love, acknowledgment, and care they feel. Some examples of this include giving compliments to your loved ones, writing them a letter, or even an encouraging pick-me-up text in the middle of their work day.

Acts of service
There is an old saying which goes, ‘Actions speak louder than words.' This sentiment is captured in the next love language which is ‘acts of service', people feel loved when others perform acts of service for them, such as helping with chores, running errands, or doing tasks that make their lives easier.

Receiving gifts
Another way of tangibly expressing the love we hold for people is by giving them gifts. This is also the third love language, ‘receiving gifts.' Oftentimes, it is not the monetary value of an object but the thought, intention, and effort that goes into selecting and creating a meaningful gift.

Quality time
Quality time means feeling and expressing love by creating spaces and occasions for meaningful time together, which expresses interest and a desire to connect, for example, by deciding to cook together with your loved ones.

Physical touch
As humans, we are also hardwired to experience the world through touch, hence, a lot of us feel most loved when there is a physical show of affection through, for example, a hug, a pat on the back, a reassuring back rub.

Why develop a deeper understanding of love languages?
Understanding that there exist individual differences in how people primarily feel and express love is crucial for enhancing our level of relational satisfaction. Relationships are likely to flourish and develop a strong foundation when we can act in ways that ‘speak to' those close to us.

Understanding and tuning in with people's love language helps us respond to their needs and wants in ways that most readily would translate them into care, validation, and respect. For example: If a partner were to express that they would like to feel more important, responding to their need from a place of awareness of their love language will likely guide your actions and efforts in the right direction, which communicates to the partner that you are showing up for them in meaningful ways.

This covers one of the most important foundational values of a relationship- which is effective communication. Talking about desires and needs can often be challenging for a lot of people because it can make them feel vulnerable and at risk of facing disappointment, however, when efforts are made keeping in mind what makes them feel valued and cared for, it often leads to a positive feedback mechanism where the trust and communication in turn enhances.

How can understanding love languages help in pursuing and maintaining your relationships?
When talking about the applicability of understanding love languages in the context of pursuing and maintaining relationships, it is also important to mention how it facilitates healthy ways of conflict resolution as well. Gaining an understanding of the construct of different languages of love goes hand in hand with developing respect and appreciation for individual differences among people, including those who are close to us.

For example: If your best friend finds it difficult to express verbally what you mean to them, but always takes the initiative to plan outings and curating experiences for you both, you are more likely to be appreciative of their expression of love because you now work from the understanding that in doing so, they are telling you that you are deeply valued. This reduces the opportunities for misunderstanding and clashes of expectation. Even if you were to communicate to them your need for verbal affirmations of your friendship, you would be more likely to approach the discussion from a stable and safe lens, ensuring healthy expectation setting and conflict resolution.

How to identify your primary love language
It is also extremely important to understand your primary love language, for it not only enables you to communicate your needs better in relationships but also facilitates a more holistic journey of self-discovery. It helps you identify what truly feeds your sense of sense and leads to fulfillment and satisfaction.

To facilitate this self-discovery, you can make use of certain prompts that bring to memory certain instances in your relational dynamics with your loved ones. For example: You can spend some time thinking about a time when you felt deeply loved and appreciated. What exactly was happening at this time and how were people around you behaving?

You can also engage in daily journaling exercises which record instances or moments throughout the day where you felt most seen and understood. Being aware and in tune with how your emotional state responds to specific actions and gestures of others and your own can help you chart a better understanding of your love language.

Similarly, you can also show commitment to understanding other people's love language by encouraging your loved ones to respond to similar journal prompts and reflective questions. Try to actively listen to your loved one's responses and ask follow-up questions to understand their love language better. This will also help you create a stronger emotional connection and express your affection towards them in a way that touches their heart the most.

Remember, understanding your loved one's love language and communicating yours is an ongoing journey. Be patient, compassionate, and willing to adapt as you both continue to learn and grow together. Together, you can embark on a journey of exploring and embracing each other's love languages, leading to a more meaningful and fulfilling relationship.