Have you experienced gaslighting? Experts delve into the toxic habit, and how you can deal with it

Recently, Merriam Webster announced ‘Gaslighting' to be their Word of the Year 2022. A term that we have seen pop-up very often on the internet, especially on social networking sites. Every one of us may have experienced gaslighting at some point in our lives. It is a behaviour trait that is not only associated with romantic relationships but also among friends and family or any other kind of relationship too.

The American online dictionary defines the word as "psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator."

According to their research, the search for the word increased by 1,740 per cent in 2022 with interest that was spread throughout the year. While it has noticeably been appearing on the internet a lot more in the last two years than it ever did before, not many may know about it. Many have even experienced it but didn't know a word such as gaslighting exists to describe the situation.

The experience, along with the effects of the behaviour are not one that is desirable to anybody because experts believe the effects can be long-lasting and not easy to deal with. Mumbai-based Swapnil Pange, psychologist and relationship counsellor explains, "The effects on the person who is subjected to gaslighting includes experiencing self-doubt, anxiety, feeling as if one is going mad, losing self-confidence, more dependency on others, needing another person for decision-making. In romantic relationships, people who are subjected to gaslighting are constantly in an apologetic mood for upsetting or disagreeing with their partners."

Mid-day Online spoke to Kritika Zutshi, clinical psychologist, Fortis Hospital Kalyan and Mulund, and Pange, to understand more about gaslighting and how you can deal with it. They not only delve into how to recognise the behaviour but also share tips on how to avoid it as and when it happens to people.

What is the meaning of gaslighting?

Zutshi: Gaslighting is a psychological or emotional form of manipulation created by doubting the credibility of the victim's behaviours, beliefs, memories, thoughts, and emotions. In other words, gaslighting occurs when one (gaslighter) attempts to disregard or deny someone else's (victim) reality, which the victim believes to be true. It is not just the dismissal of the beliefs but rather aimed at convincing the victim to not trust themselves in what they see, what they feel and what they think is true.

Pange: Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that leads the other partner to lose their sense of self, self-worth, creates self-doubts and may lead to psychological abuse.

When does gaslighting occur?

Zutshi: Gaslighting seems quite prevalent in relationships with power imbalance, and when there is a lack of equality and trust in them. A relationship in which the partners have some intimacy issues that rope them together.

Pange: Gaslighting occurs when the perpetrator (or abuser) attempts to control the other partner (usually becomes victim after some time) by creating a negative narrative about the situations and ultimately the victim is to be blamed for everything. The abuser usually tries to convince the partner that they are insane by questioning their perceptions and reality.

Why does it usually occur?

Zutshi: Many psychological and social dynamics can contribute to gaslighting. The need to gain power and control in a relationship while dominating the victim seems to be one of the causes. Another reason might be the gaslighter's inability to tolerate disputes with their reality. This might lead them to negate the victim's beliefs, questioning their rational competence and evaluating them as not fitting to judge situations appropriately. Gaslighting may also occur because of the gaslighter's inability to come to terms with disagreement and a desire to always be correct. In most cases, the purpose is to eliminate, challenge, and resist authority.

Pange: It is related to power dynamics wherein the gaslighter becomes unreasonably critical, judgmental towards the person subjected to gaslighting. They use emotional manipulation, lies, and ignore the facts, reasons or rational judgments. Gaslighting can happen in personal relationships, at the workplace and in society as well. Gaslighting may occur through lies, manipulations, exaggerated negative narratives, repetitions of dominance in relationships, blocking, diverting, verbal abuse, discounting the other person and invalidating their feelings/opinions.

Does gaslighting only happen in romantic relationships, or does it extend to situations beyond that? Please share some examples.

Zutshi: Gaslighting can be present in relationships where partners are tied to each other with a high degree of intimacy. It is mainly reported in romantic relationships but may occur in a family or workplace. For example, a parent may gaslight their child (consciously or unconsciously) by refusing to acknowledge their needs or emotions or by stating that their reactions are over-sensitive, thus leading the child to doubt their emotional paradigm. When challenged in the workplace, a gaslighter can get defensive and turn the tables against the victim by deeming them to be not resilient enough or that they were joking. In this situation, the victim experiences an inability to comprehend humour.

Pange: Example:
Gaslighter: You look so fat and out of shape!
Victim: No! I am not. In fact, my friends say I am much better than before.
Gaslighter: Oh! Now you believe them rather than me? See I care for you and so I am honestly saying this. They may lie to you just to be in good books with you. I spend more time with you than them. So obviously I know better, isn't it? Every time I see you, I can't ignore the fact that you are out of shape now. Now, it's upto you whether you want to believe it or not.
Victim: Oh! Well, then I guess you are right. I have put on some kilos.
Gaslighter: See there you are! The problem is that you are careless about your health, diet and exercise. Look at me. I am so health conscious. When we go out people make fun of us and I just can't say anything because I love you.
Victim: I am so sorry dear. I think the problem is with me only and you have to suffer.

Here are some warning signs for gaslighting in relationships:
"I am just kidding", "You are becoming paranoid", "I never said that, you are perceiving it wrongly",
"You are too sensitive/too emotional/too weak"

What makes gaslighting troublesome?

Zutshi: Gaslighting is an abusive tactic which leaves the victim in the relationship filled with confusion and doubt. It is often seen as a pervasive tendency in relationships. In the long run, it can lead to the victim developing self-esteem issues leading to anxiety, depression, and inability to trust themselves at all.

Pange: When challenged, gaslighters become aggressive and defensive. The gaslighter elicits insecurity, and anxiety in the gaslightee and eventually makes them dependent on the former. The ultimate aim of the pathological gaslighter is to control, dominate and take advantage of other person for their benefit. They may have narcissistic, antisocial, sadistic personality traits. They want to take charge of the other person, or to dominate/control others before others do the same. They may be insecure inside and have been subjected to gaslighting from others in the past. They may be insensitive and empathetic towards others.

How can people deal with gaslighting?

Zutshi: Gaslighting is viewed as "mutual participation between the gaslighter (perpetrator) and the gaslightee (victim)", according to psychologist Dr Robin Stern, who popularised the term. The foremost requirement is the awareness and identification of when gaslighting happens and how the victim plays a part in it. For instance, the victim may idealise the gaslighter and seek their approval which keeps the victim in the loop of being gaslighted.

Is there a way to avoid gaslighting?

Zutshi: Keeping the subjective sense of reality intact is essential to avoid being gaslighted. Developing a solid understanding of values and beliefs will help victims distinguish when a gaslighter uses emotional manipulation and not fall into the well-known trap. Keeping a written account of the facts of the situation may aid the process. Additionally, having the will to disengage from the gaslighter may seem beneficial to protect our perception.

Pange:

Here are some ways to avoid getting gaslighted:
1. Learn to be assertive and stay firm on your beliefs
2. Focus on facts and insist on them
3. If you think they change the original narrative or story, firmly say that "Okay, you may have this memory of the event, but I don't remember this happening. Let's not argue over it"
4. If they negate your feelings tell them "This is how I feel and I can't be wrong on how I feel. You may feel differently and that's okay"
5. Skip the conversation if it is getting on gaslighting mode by saying "okay, now we are on different tracks. Let's stick to what we were originally discussing"
6. Maintain your boundaries
7. Ask for help from professional experts if you are feeling constantly anxious, depressed and insecure due to gaslighting by others

Please share tips for people to recognise gaslighting.

Zutshi: Evidence of gaslighting can be found in verbal interaction. When the perpetrator is found to distort facts of a situation, label the victim with, "you're being over-sensitive", "you're acting crazy", or blame the victim for being unstable to see their intentions. Perpetrators lie about their behaviour and may not acknowledge the changes in their behaviour. Having complete financial control over the victim may also indicate the presence of gaslighting, confusing the victim by providing contradictory evidence or putting a façade of their behaviour in front of others. These may be a few behaviours that hint towards gaslighting.

Pange:

Someone who is gaslighting might:
- Insist you said or did things you know you didn't do
- Creating false narratives about the events
- Deny your recollection of events
- Call you "too sensitive" or "crazy" when you express your needs or concerns/judgemental
- Twisting the facts and events to shift blame to you
- Insist they're right and refuse your perspective

Also Read: How young people are encouraging sexual health conversations among peers