Gen Z redefines romance: What is simmer dating?

Dating app, QuackQuack's, latest study on GenZ dating patterns and tendencies found that 47 per cent of GenZ daters prefer taking a slow-paced approach, calling it ‘simmer dating.' This trend focuses on gradual buildup and emphasises patience while finding a partner. "Simmer dating is a slow-paced journey towards getting to know each other and exploring the connection, instead of rushing the process of commitment and exclusivity. It's about letting the relationship grow organically, and focuses on attracting a healthy partner," explains the relationship coach Dhana Supriya Chheda.

Preethi, a 25-year-old user of QuackQuack, feels that she needs time to get to know her matches. She explains, "I need to reach a level where we have moved on to deeper and what would otherwise be a sensitive conversation like lifestyle choices, religion, politics, etc. You can't rush dating, and you can't commit without knowing where the person stands. Taking it slow is the only way to evaluate whether your ideals and values align with your match."

While Preethi emphasises the need for deeper conversations to assess compatibility beyond superficial factors, 24-year-old Ajay concurs that it's unrealistic to fall in love instantly over chat.

The New Delhi resident shares, "While dating online, slow dating is the best approach. It leaves less chance of error. You take some time to find a suitable person, match with her, take the conversation slow to make sure she is comfortable, and then once things are looking good, you decide to meet. That's the only way you will find a real connection."

The participants' answers suggest a shift away from instant gratification in relationships and toward lasting, meaningful connections. Chheda's exploration of this trend offers a comprehensive understanding of its popularity, potential benefits, and drawbacks.

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Popularity among Gen Z
Ravi Mittal, founder and CEO of QuackQuack, highlights how the features of dating apps, such as easy connectivity, virtual interactions, and personalised profile browsing, facilitate a slow-paced approach to dating, especially for tech-savvy Gen Z. He shares, "Simmer dating gained traction primarily on dating apps; the ease of connectivity, staying in touch without meeting in person, the option to browse through different people's profiles till they meet the right one, the chance to interact and connect at their own pace- the opportunity for connections to simmer on these apps have a significant impact on the trend and helps promote safe and rush-free dating for youngsters."

"Gen Z are not in a rush, first of all. We don't face the same pressure to settle down as the millennials, which works in our favour. Secondly, we, as a generation, prioritise mindful dating practices and focus a great deal on mental health; to some extent, it's a lesson learned from our predecessors' errors. Simmer dating gives you the best result- fewer rejections and higher chances of a successful relationship, which directly leads to lowering dating-related stress," poses Ajay.

Chedda credits the self-awareness of Gen Z, "Younger daters have realised that a committed relationship needs more than initial attraction or chemistry. While the current lifestyle is fast-paced and career-driven, Gen Z is much more aware of their feelings, boundaries, and their needs in comparison to the previous generations. They work on breaking toxic patterns, and pursue healthy relationships by communicating with consciousness and cultivating mutual respect."
How can individuals effectively communicate their intentions and expectations in a simmer dating situation?

While taking things slow is a good approach to dating, it can be confusing for many young daters. It becomes critical to effectively communicate your intentions and expectations, Chedda suggests:

Honesty
Be honest with your intentions, are you looking for a long-term relationship? Are you unsure of a relationship, or are you just exploring the connections? This honesty will help you and others to save time and energy.

For example: "Hey! I'm inclined towards creating a healthy and long-term relationship with a like-minded individual who respects and supports my values. What about you? "

Boundaries
Be clear on communicating your emotional and physical boundaries. Let the other person know what is okay for you and what is not okay for you.
For example: "I don't prefer casual hookups, what are your boundaries when it comes to your physical and emotional space in dating?"

Clarity
Be clear on the qualities you are looking for, in a partner. Being specific about your interests can help you attract the one who is aligned with you.

For example: "I like when my partner supports me in my goals and makes me feel safe. What qualities are important to you in a relationship?"

Be mindful
Dating is a wide space and an unknown environment, do not share your past, your secrets, your personal information, or pictures without the other person earning your trust. Let the other person build the trust with consistency. Prefer to share things mindfully as the relationship grows, instead of investing your emotions immediately within 1st or 2nd date.

For example: "I don't think we are that close yet to share my personal details, I prefer to share things as we move further, what do you think?"

Connection building dates
Try out the type of dates that build more emotional connection such as short coffee dates, visits to the gaming arcades, art therapy, comedy shows, etc. which helps you to create moments and avoid intimate dates initially that focus on sexual tension such as movies, house parties, long dinner dates, and car drives.

For example: "I'm not comfortable with long drives on 1st dates, I prefer a short coffee date, and will that work for you? "

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Challenges and potential drawbacks
Hyderabad-based Preethi tells us that not everyone is on board with the simmer dating, and it can be a challenge to find someone equally interested in taking things slow. While Ajay admits it can be frustrating at times, "For instance, when I like a match and would love to meet her ASAP. But it goes against my dating rules, which are there for a reason. The delay is necessary, but it's not a good feeling." Cheddha lists five potential drawbacks of simmer dating:

Confusion
As the individuals don't have clarity on the level of commitment, this might lead to confusion. They might be left wondering if they should invest their emotions (and how deeply) into the relationship or not.

Heartbreaks
One person might develop feelings faster than the other, if both of them are not on the same page, it might result in heartbreak and disappointment

Mindless hobby
Without clear intentions, simmer dating could become a way to simply pass time, by enjoying the attention and socialising without truly seeking a meaningful connection.

Unpredictability
After spending lot of time with someone, there is a risk that one person might change their mind, lose interest, or they might shift their attention towards someone else, which will lead to self-worth issues and loss of trust in love for the other.

Violation of boundaries
The lack of clear boundaries and surety in simmer dating can lead to boundary crossing, where one might feel like pushing their emotional and physical commitments without exclusivity.

Red flags of simmer dating
The relationship expert also cautions of red flags in simmer dating that one must watch out for. "Warning signs or red flags while following this approach in dating often involve inconsistencies between words and actions, a lack of emotional investment, mixed signals, and a lack of clarity about future plans. When someone frequently texts but avoids meeting in person, shows little interest in your life, or exhibits negative behaviours like cheating or abuse, it's crucial to be cautious. Remember your partner is only an extension and expansion of who you are! Love yourself enough and let more love be added into your life through your partner," shares Cheddha. By recognising and addressing these red flags early on, you can avoid wasting time and emotional energy on relationships that are not likely to be fulfilling.

Advantages of simmer dating
When asked if she believes simmer dating can lead to more fulfilling long-term relationships, Preethi replied instantly, "The more you know about the person, the more prepared you are for any bumps that come along the way. Plus, you know what to expect of that person. There's little scope for terrible surprises and miscommunication due to assumptions in the future."

"When you make a conscious effort to know someone beyond the surface level, put in the time to understand their goals, outlooks, personalities, it is bound to make a difference. It leads to better understanding, more trust and respect, and less pressure to rush into a relationship-- all things crucial for a healthy relationship," adds Ajay. Both seem to suggest that simmer dating aligns with the values of authenticity, transparency, and respect, which are increasingly important in modern relationships. Chedda dives deep into the advantages of simmer dating:

Exploration
Simmer dating allows individuals to connect with others without the immediate pressure of commitment, and gives them the space to explore relationships at their own pace.

Deeper connection
The slow-paced journey creates more shared experiences, leading to a deeper emotional connection and better understanding between both individuals

Decisiveness
The extended process of getting to know each other helps individuals make the right decisions in choosing their life partner. By the time they commit, they are more confident and fully invested in their choice.

Stronger partnership
Spending more time together allows couples to become more comfortable with one another. This creates a solid foundation for working as a team in the relationship, making it easier to support each other and face challenges together in the future.

Growth
In traditional dating, people can mask their behaviours in the early stages, simmer dating allows individuals to be more authentic, and this provides room for growth and self-reflection. They can work on letting go of the behaviours that are no longer serving in the relationship.

Preethi concludes by sharing her vision for future relationships, "Taking things slowly has been liberating for me, and taken off the stress to commit. I envision a relationship that makes me feel freer than bound, and is built on open communication without fearing judgment, mutual respect, and the patience to grow together as well as individuals at our own comfortable pace. The simmer dating trend has shown me the beauty in slowing down, and I want to carry that into my future relationship."