Friendship’s Day 2023: From lovers to buddies: Is it really possible to be friends with your ex?

Awkward. It's the first thing that comes to mind when we think of being friends with a former partner. Is it really possible to be friends with your ex-partners? Experts say, yes. While the transition from being lovers to friends isn't an easy one, it is possible to have a healthy friendship when both individuals involved are willing to maintain one free from residual feelings.

We have numerous examples that have proved it is possible to be friends with your ex. Be it Ranbir Kapoor and Deepika Padukone, Anurag Kashyap and Kalki Koechlin, Amir Khan and Kiran Rao or Malaika Arora and Arbaaz Khan, these celebrities and many more, have transitioned from being partners to friends and spoken about healthy dynamic they share with each other on various occasions.

While parting ways with someone you love is undoubtedly heartbreaking, simply the thought of ending a friendship with the same person is terrifying. In an attempt to not lose a friend people find in their lovers, they often choose to stay friends with their ex-partners even though they may not know how to navigate this new dynamic.

Every year, International Friendship's Day is celebrated on July 30, but in India, we celebrate it on the first Sunday of August, i.e. August 6, this year. Ahead of this day, we spoke to relationship experts and young individuals in their 20s to decode the secret of being friends with your ex.

"It's complicated," says Gaurav Kulkarni (name changed for privacy reasons) a 25-year-old Mumbai based-analytics consultant. Kulkarni adds, "I am still friends with my ex because I consider her my good friend and an amazing company. So even though a romantic relationship seemed impossible for us, friendship worked out very well."

Snigdha Dey (name changed for privacy reasons), a 27-year-old Kolkata-based photographer says, "I and my ex have been friends for a long time. It wasn't that difficult for me to be friends with him since both of us had moved on completely."

On the contrary, a 26-year-old content writer from Nagpur, Komal Bhandekar says she can never be friends with her ex. "Although I do believe that two people who dated each other can be friends after they split, I simply cannot. Whether you can be friends with your ex or not purely depends on the nature of the breakup. If both you and your ex decided to part ways mutually with no hard feelings, you can choose to be friends. In my case, my relationship with my ex didn't end on good terms. Being friends in such a case is not amicable."

True to this, Ravi Mittal, founder & CEO of online dating app QuackQuack says, "People can be friends with their ex. But it entirely depends on the circumstances surrounding their break up. If the break up was a mutual decision and they were friends before they got into a romantic relationship, there's no reason why exes can't go back to being friends."

While Kulkarni, Dey, Bhandekar and Mittal had definite answers; relationship expert, intimacy coach, founder and president of Averti Education and Council of sex educators for social change Niyatii Shah says, "It's not a simple yes or no. There are two sides to this emotional coin. On one hand, being friends with an ex offers the comfort of shared history and a deep understanding of each other. It brings the potential for emotional support and companionship, possibly even rekindling a beautiful friendship. Yet, on the other hand, challenges abound - the struggle to overcome trust issues, the haunting spectre of jealousy in new relationships and the tumultuous emotional rollercoaster ride that can leave hearts in disarray. It's a delicate balance, but with honesty, open hearts and the courage to navigate the complexities, a friendship with an ex can become a beacon of light in the darkness of past love."

Factors to consider before befriending your ex

To be able to decide whether to be friends with your ex or not, Shah says, "It's essential to ask yourself honest and difficult questions - Are you truly ready to see them with someone else? Can you genuinely be happy for them, even if it's not with you? If the answer is yes, then perhaps a friendship can grow. However, if it stirs jealousy and resentment, it might be a sign that your wounds need more time to heal."

Shah lists down factors you must consider before making a decision:

1. First and foremost, be sure that your heart has genuinely healed from the breakup. Examine the scars and take time to reflect on the emotions that once consumed you. Ensure that you have made peace with the past and are ready to embrace a new chapter of friendship without carrying the weight of unresolved feelings.

2. Consider the nature of your breakup and the reasons behind it. Was it a respectful parting of ways, or were there lingering resentments and hurtful words exchanged? Being friends with an ex requires a foundation of mutual respect and a willingness to let go of any bitterness.

3. Evaluate your intentions behind wanting to be friends. Is it because you genuinely value their companionship and cherish the bond you once shared or is it driven by a longing to rekindle the romance or hold on to what once was? Be honest with yourself, for being friends should be based on genuine friendship, not a desperate attempt to cling to the past.

4. Assess your emotional boundaries and your ability to handle seeing your ex with someone new. Jealousy and possessiveness have no place in a friendship. Ensure that you are ready to support their happiness, even if it means letting go of any romantic notions.

5. Ask yourself if you can be open and honest with your ex about your intentions and emotions. Discuss your boundaries and what you both expect from the friendship. Transparency fosters trust and lays the groundwork for a healthy and authentic friendship.

6. Seek support from those you trust. Talk to friends or confidantes who can offer guidance and listen without judgment. Sometimes, an outside perspective can shed light on aspects we might not see in the midst of emotions.

7. Above all, trust your instincts. If being 'just friends' feels right and brings a sense of peace, take the leap. But if there's any lingering doubt or unease, don't rush into it.

In accordance with this, Bhandekar is confident about her emotions towards her ex and chooses to not be friends. She says, "Since there is so much history and sour feelings involved, I don't think I will ever be able to forget how things ended for me and my ex. Although I am emotionally secure and happy with my current partner, I will always remember my past relationship with a bit of resentment. If that's the case, it makes no sense to be friends with such a person."

For Dey though continuing to be friends with her ex felt right. She says, "Friendship surely was a bit awkward initially, but as time passed, everything fell in the right place. The awkwardness was replaced with a sense of comfort. Now, we meet once in a while over a cup of coffee, but I make sure not to cross any lines and maintain certain boundaries."

Kulkarni is in a committed relationship for over 9 years now and is also friends with his ex. When asked how his partner receives this arrangement, he says, "My partner is completely cool with this because she's convinced that I have no feelings or attraction towards my ex. That being said, she doesn't feel insecure one bit even if I spend time alone with my ex.

One just has to ensure their actions and intentions are clear. You need to communicate very clearly about every small action, like hanging out with your ex and what all you did etc. Over time your partner gains trust in your ex as well."

Why people choose to be friends with their exes

Mittal of QuackQuack says, "Having dated for a long time, many couples share a strong emotional connection, which can serve as the bedrock of a solid friendship. They genuinely care for each other and want to be a part of each other's lives but in a different role. Sometimes it can be because they share the same social circle and keep bumping into each other. Choosing to be friends instead of being mortal enemies is an easier option. Finally, many people also do it for closure."

Balancing romantic relationships and friendship with your ex

When balancing a relationship with your current love interest and a past lover, be very careful not to mix up the two. Shah shares some crucial dos and don'ts for those who are committed and are also a friend of their ex-partner.

Dos:

1. Honesty and transparency: Be open and honest with your current partner about your friendship with your ex. Share your feelings and intentions to maintain trust and avoid misunderstandings.

2. Respect your partner's feelings: Listen to your partner's concerns and feelings about your friendship. Show empathy and validate their emotions, ensuring they feel heard and understood.

3. Prioritise your current relationship: Your new relationship should take precedence. Ensure that your time and emotional energy are primarily directed toward your current partner.

4. Communicate Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your ex regarding the nature of your friendship. Be upfront about what is and isn't acceptable in the context of your current relationship.

5. Include your partner: Include your partner in social gatherings or interactions with your ex. This can help alleviate any insecurities and show that your current relationship is a priority.

6. Be mindful of communication: Be mindful of the frequency and content of your conversations with your ex. Avoid sharing intimate or personal details about your current relationship.

7. Show affection and appreciation: Demonstrate your love and appreciation for your partner consistently. Assure them that they are valued and cherished in your life.

Don'ts:

1. Comparison and competition: Avoid comparing your current partner to your ex or making your current partner compete for your affection. Each relationship is unique and your partner deserves to feel special in their own way.

2. Private meetings: Refrain from private meetings or one-on-one hangouts with your ex, especially without your partner's knowledge or consent.

3. Emotional reliance: Do not rely on your ex for emotional support or guidance in a way that should be reserved for your current partner.

4. Keeping secrets: Avoid keeping your friendship with your ex a secret from your partner. Honesty is essential to maintaining trust in your relationship.

5. Talking negatively about your partner: Resist the temptation to vent or complain about your current partner to your ex. It can harm both relationships and create unnecessary drama.

6. Mixed signals: Avoid sending mixed signals to your ex that may imply a desire to rekindle the romantic relationship.

7. Neglecting boundaries: Do not allow your friendship with your ex to interfere with the emotional well-being and stability of your current relationship.

Ways to deal with your partner sharing a friendly bond with their ex

If you are dating a partner who is friends with their ex or exes, Mittal shares some friendly tips on the right ways to address the dynamic. He says, "Be direct instead of beating around the bush."

1. Ask them about the dynamics of their friendship.

2. Make sure there are no romantic feelings involved.

3. Pick the right time and place to discuss the issue.

4. If you have any concerns or insecurities about the friendship, make sure to voice them.

5. Set boundaries. Let the partner know how much you are comfortable with and what's crossing the line for you.

6. Do not dismiss the idea entirely because you are jealous of the ex.

7. Actively listen to your partner speak about the friendship and try to understand why they have chosen to be friends with their ex.

8. If you still find it hard to navigate the dynamic. Seek advice from someone who understands you. You can also speak to a professional who can help you deal with the situation better.

Remember that choosing to be friends with your ex is a significant emotional decision. It's okay to feel conflicted or unsure. Choose a friendship that nurtures growth and understanding, where both hearts can find solace and support in a new chapter of connection.

Also Read: Friendship Day 2023: Unique things to do with your friends in Mumbai