Experts delve into single shaming, and why Indian women are choosing to be single

Women have been single shamed since time immemorial. It comes as no surprise considering how society ties the worth of a woman to who she's married to. This intrusion takes on massive proportions during the big fat Indian wedding season. The one which does not just bode well for those shelling out for the elaborate events, but also for single women who are spotted, and ambushed under the garb of counselling by self-claimed well-meaning relatives, friends of the family, and perhaps even strangers.

According to a survey conducted by popular dating application Bumble, almost 2 in 5 (39%) daters in India claim that their families pressure them into traditional matchmaking during the wedding season, and almost a third (33%) of single Indians claim to be pressured to get into a serious, committed relationship during the same period.

"Even before I attended the wedding of my cousin, I anticipated the aunties rounding me up and telling me I was next in line. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't avoid such conversations. They wanted to know if I was seeing anyone, or why was I not willing to meet prospective people that they offered to set me up with. I truly believe many of them did not know the kind of anxiety and stress they caused me even when I explicitly expressed my disinterest," shares 29-year-old Saloni Gupta.

If a woman is single, and in her late 20s or 30s - the multi-day event, or the days leading upto it become a game of navigating your way out with your sanctity intact. Shahzeen Shivdasani, Bumble's relationship expert explains what single shaming entails, "With a heavy focus on togetherness and being in relationships, single-shaming leaves people feeling like they are being judged for not having a partner, usually as a result of unsolicited questions and opinions about their dating life. In India, single shaming is rooted in pop culture and societal expectations and describes the idea that being single is just a temporary state that needs to be fixed quickly."

Tracing the roots of single shaming and outlining the disproportionate impact on women, Khushboo Hiten Nandu, counselling psychologist at Mpower shares, "The assumption that people who are single must desire a partner, or feel sad, lonely, or depressed is quite common in our society. This is because our society is formed on pre-defined defined notions. However, these assumptions may not always be true as boredom, sadness and loneliness can also be felt in relationships. It is also de-humanising to think that the person is only desirable or valuable only if someone chooses them as a partner. I feel single shaming is also a gender issue where majorly women are judged more harshly than single men. Especially in India, as the stigma around being a single woman is huge and non-confirming to societal norms can put huge pressure on them."

Elaborating on the detrimental impact on mental and psychological wellbeing, Nandu explains, "Singletons are treated differently, which in some cases has a lot of negative impact on their self-esteem. The never ending questions around their dating status are intrusive, and question the ability of the person who wants to be single. These may also lead to self-doubt, eroding their self-esteem, and result in person seeking external validation. In some cases, this results in emotional turmoil and may present itself as depression."

In response to being single shamed, many Indian women have chosen to be willingly single instead buckling under societal pressure. The survey conducted by Bumble found that 81% of women respondents claimed they more comfortable being single and on their own. Moreover, 63% of those surveyed were unwilling to compromise on their choices, desires and needs when dating someone.

Samarpita Samaddar, India communications director at Bumble poses, "Women in particular are often asked to hurry, not be too picky, and even perhaps compromise on what they want from their partners or relationships in order to find a ‘suitable match' within a socially acceptable timeline of when one should get married. The ‘consciously single' trend indicates that more women are being intentional in how and who they want to date without compromising on their choices, desires and needs when dating someone."

Being single is a choice that may arise for different reasons, but predominantly of the belief that one can be happy with oneself and can manage life better than what a partner can offer. "After dating for the past five years, I realised that it is better to wait for someone worthy, than give a chance to the next person who is interested in me," says Parul Singh. The 27-year-old marketing professional has a demanding job which keeps her busy, and her intention is to not compromise in any aspect of her life. "I love my job, my friends are great, and I've got my priorities set, why should I make allowances for others? Sure, one gets lonely at times, but being single to me, means choosing myself everyday and honouring my mental peace which I strive very hard to maintain," adds Singh.

The mental health expert agrees, and stresses the importance of knowing oneself, and setting boundaries, "As a psychologist, I recommend introspection for one's own mental peace. It is extremely important that one recognises what one wants to do, and how one wants to live their life. It is also important to understand the reality of how they envisage their life ahead and how prepared they are to take this decision." Nandu also proposes communicating with family to bring them on board, "It is also advisable to get family members into confidence and take them through your plans. Help them understand how you plan to live on your own with clear expectations setting of what support you would need from them. It is critical that you set boundaries about the decision being yours and not allow others to interfere."

To conclude the matter of singledom, she says, "As a person, it is important that one maintains and experiences self-value, liberation, and freedom whether single or in a relationship."

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