Friendship gone wrong? How friends can resolve conflicts to strengthen age-old bonds

On the occasion of International Friendship Day 2023, Midday.com reached out to 3 pairs of classic best-friend duos who, once inseparable, are now out of touch entirely. Issues like long distances, career jealousy and possessiveness sparked complex emotional responses that ruined the delicate bond. We racked the brains of relationship experts to learn about efficient ways of resolving conflicts within friendships.

Case 1: ‘You were not there when I needed you'

Handling conflicts within friendships can be a catch-22. It is a paradox that neither can escape owing to contradictory way forwards. Initiating a talk would mean gulping your ego while choosing silence reeks of a cold-blooded attitude. Friendships are love stories too, and like any other love story - friendships go through a myriad of challenges.

Aastha and Monika have been friends since they enrolled for a bachelor's in Sociology from Delhi University. Post their course, both the girls chose paths tangential to their course. While Aastha began studying communications, Monika pursued her dream to launch a start-up of sustainable clothing line. Despite their busy lives, the two friends would hang out and take road trips to explore diverse food and cultures.

Once Aastha completed her course, she struggled with campus placements to land a decent job. For a while, she went back to her hometown as nobody would give her a job. Meanwhile, Monika launched her business and gradually grew her reach. She travelled the country, built networks and gained a feat in her field.
Five years down the line, the tables had turned. With fast fashion overtaking the market needs, the demand for sustainable clothing had fallen.

Consequently, Monika's business tanked and she suffered a blow. Her investments could not be recovered which sent her into major debt. All this while, Aastha grew steadily by upskilling herself in communication tools. She took up freelance gigs and built her body of work. At this point, the duo was not in constant touch.
Aastha landed a creative role at a production house in Hyderabad, for which she relocated to the city. The job took her away from Monika who was struggling to defend her start-up against the debt vultures.

The unequal realities between the friends sparked insecurities. When Monika called Aastha to catch up - she was hysterical and blamed Monika for her setbacks. In a bid to gaslight her, Monika said: "You were never there for me when I needed you!" Aastha being clueless about these remarks, told Monika that she was delusional and needed to sort herself out. This led to a heated conversation and where the duo called out each other on their shortcomings. After that phone call, neither of them made efforts to reconcile.

Resolving conflicts that arise from competition:
1. Can this be termed ‘career jealousy'? What gives rise to this form of misunderstanding?
Mindfulness coach and the founder of Moonlit (wellness solutions) - Natascha Shah calls this situation a classic example of ‘career jealousy.' Jealousy is often triggered by past insecurities and experiences. Shah remarks, "As Aastha struggled to find a job while Monika achieved success with her start-up, Aastha may have felt envious and insecure about her own career. This can lead to resentment and blaming the other person for one's setbacks."

2. In such instances, what is the way to resolve conflict and help the two friends reconcile?
In order to resolve conflict and help the two friends reconcile, it is important for both Aastha and Monika to have open and honest communication. They need to express their feelings, concerns, and frustrations in a calm and understanding manner. It is vital to listen to each other's perspectives and try to understand each other's experiences and struggles. By empathising with one another, they can work towards rebuilding their friendship and overcoming negativity.

Meanwhile, relationship expert and life coach Acharya Ravi Kumar Sardana is of the opinion that this is not career jealousy but rather a case of miscommunication. He suggests: "Ideally, they should sit together surrounded by nature, with their phones turned off. They need to disconnect from the outer world and really listen to each other's deep-seated traumas. A few hours of uninterrupted togetherness are what Monika and Aastha require at this crucial moment."

Tips to get over career jealousy:

Acknowledge the Issue: Both friends need to acknowledge that there has been jealousy and that it has affected their relationship. Avoiding or denying the problem will not lead to resolution.
Have an honest conversation: Set aside a time to talk openly and honestly about the feelings of jealousy and how it has impacted the friendship. Each friend should be given the opportunity to express their feelings without judgment.
Practice active listening: During the conversation, listen attentively to what the other person is saying. Show empathy and try to understand their perspective and emotions.
Express regret and apologise: If either friend realises that their jealousy has caused harm, they should express regret and apologise for their actions and feelings.
Focus on the friendship's value: Remind each other of the positive aspects of the friendship and the reasons why they became friends in the first place. This can help re-establish the bond.
Address insecurities: Discuss any underlying insecurities that may have contributed to the jealousy. Openly talk about personal struggles and concerns related to careers and life paths.

Case 2: "I care about you more than anyone else"

As friends evolve together, they unlock new dynamics of companionship. Vital phases of life like career, personal growth, relationships and even relocations are factors that can either make or break a friendship. While there is no right way to do it, how one reacts and responds to tough situations decides the course of this beautiful bond.

Harleen and Yash are childhood buddies who grew up together in Jalandhar. Both of them understood each other and cherished their companionship. At the coming of age, Harleen left to pursue management studies while Yash enrolled for training to join the Indian army. Despite the distances, the duo made sure they talked to each other and shared life updates.

Meanwhile, during her course in management, Harleen happened to meet a boy - Sahil. He helped her out with statistics and they hung out often. Eventually, his sweet gestures swept her off her feet and she fell for him. Harleen decided to give a chance to love and committed herself to Sahil. All this while, the communication with Yash became weak and he wondered what keeps her busy.

One evening, Harleen informed Yash that she is in a relationship and cannot devote much time to her friends. Yash was dumbfounded at this statement and tried to tell her that dating doesn't mean friendships are over. To this, Harleen responded stiffly by saying that she has obligations and cannot sacrifice the precious time that she wanted to spend in the company of Sahil.

This attitude created a rift in their friendship. Yash tried to tell her that friends don't give up on each other despite being in a relationship. However, Harleen paid no heed to Yash and ignored his requests. Eventually, the duo lost touch with each other and got busy with their individual lives.

Six months into the relationship, Sahil informed Harleen that he will be leaving for Chicago for his further studies. Because of this, he will have to break up with her as that is the only practical option. This news knocked out her senses and she was devastated. She fell into a dark space and decided to call Yash to seek his counsel. At this moment, Yash was bitter about Harleen's treatment but decided to speak to her.

After hearing about Harleen's dilemma, he told her to break off the relationship. But Harleen is deeply attached and thinks Yash is being too critical. The duo hung up on a disagreement but Yash told her that he cares about her more than anyone else ever could. Yash maintained his stand that Sahil is toxic while Harleen feels she can still win his love.

Resolving conflicts that arise when one friend begins to date:
1. How can two friends reconcile in a situation like this?
Sardana admits the difficulty of reconciling at this juncture. "A character like Harleen would not listen to anyone as she lives in a bubble. In my opinion, time is the best healer. A few months further, she may realise that Yash is a real friend who stood next to her in every situation without demanding personal space.

While Shah shares that such conflicts demand open and honest communication. If one cannot comprehend how to express without having an outburst, it's best to journal one's feelings first. Understand the reasons behind the emotions, release them and calm down, only then they can have a mature discussion without being defensive or attacking each other. "Be mindful of the other person's perspective and acknowledge each other's feelings and experiences," she adds.

2. What is the healthy way to proceed when two friends get joined in by a third person - a romantic partner?
Shah shares handy tips to engage a romantic partner with one's best friends. The most important point of focus here is to establish clear boundaries and expectations while respecting each other's individual relationships. Secondly, they should try to spend quality time together and include the romantic partner in group activities to foster a sense of inclusion and cohesion, while respecting the privacy and autonomy of each person's partnership.

3. How can romantic partners befriend their partner's friends?
Start by being open, friendly, and inclusive. Try to get to know your partner's friends and spend time with them in various social settings. Showing genuine interest in their lives, hobbies, and opinions can help foster a sense of connection and friendship. It is important for the romantic partner to be respectful, supportive, and understanding towards their partner's friends.

They should avoid being possessive or trying to separate their partner from their friends. Building trust, maintaining open communication, and being inclusive can help strengthen the bond between the romantic partner and their partner's friends. Sardana adds that while getting to know your partner's friends is important but remember that they had a pre-existing relationship with your partner. Respect the friendship they already have and don't try to replace anyone.

Tips to engage a romantic partner with the best friend duo:
Communicate openly: If any concerns or discomfort arise with the new dynamic, communicate openly and honestly with your friend. Express your feelings in a non-confrontational manner and listen to their perspective as well.
Avoid interfering: Be mindful not to interfere in your friend's romantic relationship. Allow them to navigate their own journey without unsolicited advice or judgments.
Include the partner: When planning group outings or activities, consider including the partner if appropriate. This will help foster a sense of inclusion and integration within the friendship circle.
Respect their time together: Understand that your friend may spend more time with their partner as their relationship develops. Be understanding and don't take it personally.
Find common ground: Try to find common interests or topics of conversation that involve all three of you. This can help create a bond between you and your friend's partner.

Case 3: "We don't talk anymore"

Conflicts are inherent to human interactions. If you have never fought with your best friend, chances are you both might be faking it to keep things civic. It is natural for disagreements to seep into friendships and dare the two friends to resolve the matter at hand. What can be absurd is accepting distances as their new dynamic and dumping their age-old bond like it never existed.

Riddhima and Jane have been roommates ever since they arrived in Bengaluru to study fashion. The duo was too compatible as they enjoyed similar cuisines, watched adult comedy and often bought similar-looking outfits. They both were introverts and found a recluse in each other's companies. After years of tackling loneliness, the duo felt they had found their soul sister.

During their fashion studies, they launched an iconic venture of gender-neutral clothing. The new-age style and comfort-driven clothes made an uproar and soon the duo became popular for their edgy fashion design skills. They were students by the day and hosted fashion patrons by the night. Each day was a fun-filled thriller ride that only went up.

Post the completion of their course, Riddhima got placed in Canada while Jane landed a job in Delhi. The news was bitter-sweet for both. They were happy about the next chapter of their lives but were terrified to lose each other. With salty eyes and a heavy heart, they parted ways and wished each other the best. Once Riddhima landed in Canada, the duo ensured constant communication.

However, with time, things changed - they both got busy with life. It has been 4 years since they have been living apart. The communication has fallen apart but both remember how special their friendship was. Today, they get updates about each other's lives from social media stories and dull messages.

Resolving conflicts that arise from long-distances:
1. How can friends in long-distance maintain their friendships?
Sardana remarks: "Though they may be in different time zones but if there is a will, there is surely a way forward." Friends in long-distance can maintain their friendships by prioritising regular communication through video chats and social media. Sharing their lives, being understanding of each other's time constraints, and planning visits when possible are crucial.

They can also engage in shared activities remotely, support each other's goals, and be open and honest about their feelings. Sending snail mail and organising virtual hangouts with other mutual friends can add variety and depth to their interactions, ensuring the bond remains strong despite the physical distance.

Tips to engage meaningfully despite long distances between friends:
Transformation coaches and co-founders of InnerInfinity, Mehak Talwar and Ruchi Mutneja share how long-distance friends can make their conversations more meaningful and connect deeper
1. Strengthen your bond by reminiscing about the joyful moments you've shared together and expressing genuine appreciation for your partner.
2. Ensure that on special occasions, when physical presence might not be possible, you try to spend quality time together virtually.
3. Cultivate a strong emotional connection by consistently sharing both the highs and lows of life with your partner.
4. Deepen your relationship by engaging in discussions about your future growth plans and strategizing together as a team.
5. Keep your love alive by occasionally sharing precious memories and pictures with each other and others.

Also Read: From lovers to buddies: Is it really possible to be friends with your ex?