Which hurts more: Losing a friend or a lover? We explore

Listener, support system, guide, companion, cheerleader, partner in celebration (and grief) - a friend fulfills many different roles in one's life. From sharing wins, achievements and major life moments to seeking emotional support in times of distress like professional rejections and breakups, friendships often prove to be a safe space to bare one's emotions. But what if this enriching relationship doesn't exist anymore? What if the friendship breaks up?

While pop culture has often highlighted the stages of a romantic breakup, there is not enough discourse about dealing with losing a friend, despite it being an equally, if not more, devastating experience.

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"We expect friendships to last. We don't view them as romantic relationships where love may end or people may part ways. With friends, we hope for a more unconditional long-lasting relationship," says Kolkata-based psychotherapist Mansi Poddar.

And so, when friendships do end, the grief is immense.

Trisha' met her match in academics when a competitive new girl joined her school in ninth standard. Both were toppers of the class, but friendship blossomed. However, their bond couldn't last.

"This girl, who was a really good friend, had been unfair to one of my other friends in a certain context. At that point, I might have wronged her in a way that I now regret. But I lost a friend and like a domino effect, some other friends also turned against us," she reveals.

"Losing one friend cost me my other friends also and it was much worse than breaking up with my ex," she adds.

"If I could go back to those days, I wouldn't do what I did, and probably we would still be friends. I have also mentioned not having her in my life and how it affects me in my journal, so I think it gets pretty deep when you lose a friend," she admits.

While some friends have definite reasons for breaking up, others just drift apart.

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"It wasn't one reason that led to us parting ways. We had met in school. After a point, when we didn't have a reason to meet each other every day, the friendship just faded and none of us realised," reveals Akanksha', 22, about why she had to let go of a friendship of over 5 years.

"I realised that it is not going to go back to that kind of bonding ever again and that hurt. And then I realised there's nothing even holding us together, not even any common interest, and that hurt even more because I wanted some common terms to continue being friends but I couldn't find that. Then I decided it was better to just let it be," she adds.

Possible reasons for friendship breakups

Gen Z and millennials have adopted a new way of navigating friendships - quiet quitting. It involves gradually cutting erstwhile friends out of your life by withdrawing and not initiating contact anymore. While some friendship breakups can be on purpose, others might just be a result of circumstances. Relationships are a personal affair, and how they are affected varies greatly, but Dr. Neerja Agarwal, psychologist and co-founder of Emoneeds, states some common reasons.

• Miscommunication: Misunderstandings and lack of effective communication can create rifts.
• Betrayal: Acts of betrayal, such as lying or breaching trust, can end friendships.
• Life changes: Significant life events (moving, changing jobs, or new relationships) can lead to drifting apart.
• Conflict of interests/values: Differing values, beliefs, or interests can cause friends to grow apart.
• Neglect: Consistent neglect or one-sided efforts in maintaining the friendship can lead to its end.

Why does losing a friend hurt so much?

Friendships, specially those that have lasted for years, often bear witness to different phases of one's life. When someone who knows you so closely isn't in your life anymore, it is bound to hurt.

Dr. Agarwal reveals why losing a friend can lead to heartbreak.
• Emotional intimacy: Friendships often involve deep emotional connections and shared experiences.
• Lack of social norms: Unlike romantic relationships, there are fewer social scripts or support systems for dealing with friendship break-ups, making them harder to navigate.
• Identity and support: Friends often form a significant part of one's support system and personal identity. Losing a friend can feel like losing a part of oneself.
• Expectation vs. Reality: Friendships are often expected to be enduring and unconditional, making their end particularly jarring.

Do friendship breakups hurt more than romantic ones?

Given the significant impact of friendship breakups, the question that arises is: do they hurt more than romantic relationships?

Akanksha doesn't think so.

"Personally, I don't think so. I don't really compare them. They are two very different kinds of relationships with very different kinds of boundaries. So, there's no comparison," she states.

However, an informal poll that this writer conducted yielded a different response. There are many people who do believe that losing a friend hurts more.

"People believe romantic breakups are logical and a part of life but friendships, which are meant to be more uncomplicated and based on fondness and platonic love, should be long lasting. Plus we turn to friends when romantic relationships are in distress. We see friends as ‘my family', ‘my people', ‘my tribe,' comments Poddar.

Dr. Agarwal states other reasons for people feeling this way.

• Longevity and stability: Friendships, especially long-term ones, often outlast romantic relationships, leading to deeper roots and more profound loss.
• Lower social support: Society offers extensive support for romantic breakups (like counseling and support groups) but less so for friendship breakups.
• Different dynamics: Friendships can provide a different kind of emotional support and understanding that might not always be present in romantic relationships.

There are yet others who feel that the answer to this question depends on various factors.

"There are three cases in this scenario. One, it is just a friendship. Two, it is just a romantic relationship. Three, it is a friendship turned into a romantic relationship. For me, I would say it comparatively hurts more in the first and third case," states Pranav Pareek.

Role of gender in dealing with friendship breakups

In an ideal world, gender wouldn't be a factor in navigating emotional stressors like friendship breakups. However, the fact is, female and male friendships are different and so, they deal with losing a friend differently.

"Men are more matter-of-fact and express their grief differently. They don't address the emotion directly whereas women are more emotional about it," expresses Poddar.

Dr. Agarwal backs the same. She reveals why men and women deal with friendship breakups differently.
• Emotional expression: Women may express and process emotions differently, potentially experiencing and handling breakups more openly.
• Socialization: Men might face societal pressures to suppress emotions, making it harder to deal with the emotional impact of a friendship break-up.
• Types of friendships: Women's friendships often involve more emotional sharing and support, while men's friendships might be more activity-based, affecting the nature and impact of the breakup differently.

While these insights reflect the reality, they are in no way meant to stereotype female and male friendships. Losing a friend is a painful experience an everyone, no matter where they stand on the gender spectrum, deals with it differently.

"Understanding the emotional impact of friendship breakups highlights the significant role friendships play in our emotional well-being," Dr. Agarwal concludes.

'Names changed or only first names used.