Smilie Suri: ‘Didn’t let anybody shame me for being depressed’

Smilie Suri

She debuted in Bollywood with Kalyug (2005) about 19 years ago. Since then, Smilie Suri has gone through a significant journey. The actor battled depression and clinical anxiety, moved to Dubai and found solace in dancing. Suri - who has trained with Shiamak Davar, Sandip Soparrkar, and learnt Kathak from guru Vijayshree Choudhary - picked up pole dancing before starting her own classes in Mumbai. Now, she is returning to acting with the ZEE5 film, House of Lies, also starring Sanjay Kapoor, Rituraj Siingh, and Hiten Paintal. In conversation with mid-day, Suri talks about her new approach to life, and how it has influenced her acting.

Edited excerpts from the interview.

It has been 19 years since Kalyug. What have you been doing in the interim?
It feels awesome to face the camera again. I had forgotten this buzz. In 2016, I was battling depression and clinical anxiety. My husband walked out on me. So, I decided to go to Dubai, [where I was to do] an aerial silk class. When the instructor didn't come, [another] teacher suggested I try pole dancing. I suddenly felt beautiful and liberated. I wanted to bring this to India, and mine became one of the first schools [for pole dancing]. My students range from 18- to 62-year-olds. I have a lot of people from the LGBTQiA+ community. Ours is a safe space for everyone. I want to get a studio in the future.

You had also dabbled in television with Ekta Kapoor's Jodha Akbar. Do you find it regressive now?
Be it Jodha Akbar (2013) or the reality show, Nach Baliye (2015), it was a lot of hard work. TV is tough. It didn't work for me, maybe because it was a costume drama and I had to travel to Karjat every day. I feel if I had done a simpler and [relevant] daily soap where the language was colloquial, it would have been better. However, I didn't find it regressive at all.

What convinced you to return to acting with House of Lies?
I was doing theatre and TV, but OTT fascinated me, especially during COVID. I manifested it with director Saumitra Singh's OTT film.

Did many people give their two cents when you decided to give acting another shot?
I don't listen to anyone, I stopped listening long ago. I'm a hermit, a rebel with a cause. I do what I want to do, be it a play, pole dancing, or a show. There have been times when I've had little money in my account, but I've managed it all. I've been destiny's child.

What did you miss about showbiz in these years?
Kalyug was a small film, which became really big. Those 40 to 50 days we spent with the unit, we had become a family. Although we didn't have Instagram back then, I still feel a sense of gratification [when they call me] the Jiya dhadak girl.

Do you see a difference in your performance from when you started out to now?
Of course! Everything I went through in these 20 years helped me add layers to the role in House of Lies. I say and feel my lines differently. There's more realism in acting. To catch that note and not make it look over-the-top, while keeping it entertaining, was something I had to learn.

Are you worried about people's reactions?
Not at all. I've been through too much in life for that to bother me. It was difficult to reach this mentality. There are times when I also slip, but I keep telling myself to stay in a neutral state. Your high should not be too high, and your lows should not be too low. I've battled depression and anxiety. I'm more equipped to handle the lows more than the highs.

What has been your extreme high and low?
My extreme lows have been losing people in my life - my father, mother, and grandmother. I also lost my dog recently. The extreme high was the day Kalyug was declared a hit.

When you look back at your mental health journey, what do you feel most grateful for?
I feel grateful that I got help. I asked for help and got it. I did not shame myself or let anybody shame me for being depressed. [I also learnt] to stop convincing people. You want to learn from me? Come for my class. You want to cast me in a film? Cast me. You don't want me? That's also not a problem. I had my lonely moments, I felt bad and excluded, but that has all passed now. When you start listening to yourself, it helps.