I was diagnosed with Bipolar and depression around 13-14 years ago and was on medication for 5 years, says Shama Sikander

After having made a name for herself in TV serials and films, Shama Sikander went onto do music videos and web series. By her own confession, she was suffering from Bipolar disorder. Mid-Day Online caught up with her to find out more about it.

Shama, have you ever struggled with any kind of clinically diagnosed mental health condition? If so, will you be comfortable sharing your experience?
Yes. I was diagnosed with Bipolar and depression around 13-14 years ago. I was on medication for 5 year and then stopped. I did a lot of cognitive therapy which really helped me segregate my thoughts and trauma and face them which is so important to heal. I learnt most of the trauma came from small things which then subconsciously practiced over time became an underlying habit which then depicted my life in a very traumatic way, it also taught me a lot of my trauma happened in childhood. All my depression came from genetics combined by my own experiences in life which taught my brain to think in a particular way which then led to severe depression and extreme boredom. I didn't believe in people anymore, I stayed at home and didn't meet anyone. My career was on top but I was extremely unhappy and confused. I couldn't understand where so much sadness came from. It was so torturous that I became numb and I didn't understand what was happening to me and who can I discuss it with. Even the ones I shared my issues with couldn't understand, and told me you should go out and you should stop feeling so sad but they didn't know or couldn't understand it was not in my control. Not anymore at least till I could face my traumas and heal and find my power again. I even tried to commit suicide after living like a vegetable every day for 2 years without having any direction and want or desire to do anything i got really tired and I used to cry every day without fail for hours and couldn't sleep. My cry was so painful that it was as if I lost someone most dear to me everytime I cried I felt that grief. It was the darkest, most difficult time of my life.

What personal development efforts have you made to overcome your mental health issues?
A lot. I took medicines for a few years but that only made me very sleepy. What really healed me was cognitive therapy. It's a deep meditative state where someone who's a professional, a therapist guides you back to find what's the actual cause of your pain and boredom. I did it without fail for 5 years. Mind is a fascinating thing. You will be surprised how it plays games with us to keep us safe of course but that also has its side effects. I learnt a lot of my authentic self and found the real me again. I found my voice, my courage. I found my hope which by the way is the most important thing to have in this world to look forward to life. Once I stopped my therapy I continued my breathing exercises which then led me to a lot of meditation and yoga. And now it's an everyday practice and a way of life for me. I exercised on a daily basis even when I felt I couldn't. I used to make myself get up and go and start walking. As I learnt I was the only one who could save myself. And I love myself truly. So, I very consciously learn what is good for my health and well-being and I intentionally do it.

When did you realize that you have mental health issues that need to be addressed?
When I was crying every day and couldn't understand what was happening and I thought I was never going to feel better then I decided to give my life. It was 12/13 years ago. I told my mother bye and told her I was very tired so I wanted to sleep so pls don't wake me up. And I had a lot of sleeping pills for some other physical issues I was facing at the time. I ate all the pills and slept. I have no idea how my family came to know after a few hours and they rushed me to the nearest hospital at night and somehow got me admitted and overnight the doctors removed all the poison out of me. I was a very happy go lucky person and I was quite strong as well so to do something like that for someone like me was unbelievable for everyone around me. And at that time one of my friends who had a degree in psychology told me about bipolar and depression. It was the first time in my life I had heard those words. He actually begged me to go to a doctor because I wasn't convinced that I was ever going to be fine but after meeting a psychiatrist he assured me that I would be better. I just have to allow myself that much time and it is going to be a lot of work.

Did you try talking / discussing the same with anyone?
Yes but as I said no one at that time spoke of mental health. These issues started coming out when I spoke then Deepika spoke and then many actors/artists came out. It really brought these words into our vocabulary. Today so many people talk about mental health also thanks to the internet. We have some amazing doctors/professors/mind coaches/ professionals talking on YouTube giving free knowledge and guided meditations. May they be blessed forever for the amount of pain they must have gone through to decide to then share their experiences/ life learnings with the world today.

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Was it tough dealing with Covid 19 times?
It was tough in a different way for me. I am healed now and in fact, in Covid, I really got all the time to focus on myself. I actually started to go to YouTube and stumbled upon so many amazing people who are talking about mental health and what meditating everyday does to your mind in a very scientific way. I made it a point to meditate everyday twice at least. I like spending time with myself. I am actually very fond of my own company so it wasn't that bad and also I was living with the most beautiful partner I could have. Him being around me was very peaceful and a lot of learning and bettering ourselves together. I did feel a lot of pain for what was happening to people around and I missed my family terribly because I couldn't meet them or touch or hug anyone. That was very painful for me. I'm a very physically affectionate person with my close ones. And of course, some days were gloomy and confused but that was normal keeping the circumstances in mind.

Since you have addressed the problem and have come out successfully, can you tell us as to how one can identify the people with mental issues?
If anyone around you is facing similar issues, then pls take them or guide them to a good psychiatrist. All of us have mental health issues. The whole of mankind has been suffering from that for eons but we didn't know any better before. Now we do. Now science has achieved such success in every field. As I said, mental health issues are nothing but suppressed energy. Pent up emotions, genetics, regular behavioral patterns followed by generations and then passed on to coming generations. As we mirror each other we learn from and through each other. We spend most of our time with our families as children which is when our mind is getting developed. It's like a computer sucking all the data it can get to prepare for the future. Now it is for our growth but in all this we are also losing our individuality. Our Authentic self. We just need to find a balance between both and we'll all be healed and a healed society and families will then bring up healed healthy children which will make a better society with not many mental health issues. I believe it is possible and it is happening. Be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others. Practice helping people. There's no bigger joy in doing things for each other without any agenda. Try it and see what joy it fills you with. Even a genuine smile can make someone's day. A hug can make people feel safe. Less anxious. The one thing they mustn't do around people who are going through major depression is give them life lessons. At that time they trust they have no control over them just be loving to them. Just be with them. That'll really help. Listen to them without any judgment of Mr. fix it behavior. Just listen. Give a shoulder or a hug. That really helps big time. They feel very lonely and fragile at such times and you're giving them an ear without life lectures or judgement will go a long way. They need to first find their light only then can they even hear you or understand you.

These days, many people (young and old) are becoming victims day by day to the silent problem of mental health. Is there anything that you want to tell them?
Always know this you are stronger than your sadness and your pain. Your thoughts, life patterns and conditioning has created this misery. It can be fixed. You can absolutely be healed. Trust me when I say it. If I can after giving up on my life stand here with so much joy and happiness then you can too. Just don't give up. You are the one you're looking to find so find it and love it. Don't be afraid of your darkness. It just needs to be heard and seen by you because you often suppress it to please other people. Put a full stop on that. It's your life. Only you can live it no one else can for you. Know that you hold the power even when you feel the most powerless ever. Get up. Go meet your friends. Make some efforts. It's much better than before to discuss mental health with people. Find a professional who knows how to guide you through this. Trust once you find your true self you will never want to go back to the fake you. All these mental health issues are nothing but the confused and suppressed energy that needs a release. An understanding of a better, more authentic life is required. That's all. You can be happier than you have ever been before in your life I promise you that but you promise me that you will not give up on you because you are worth everything.

What has been your greatest achievement so far?
I found myself and I learnt how my own love was what I needed and wanted. My greatest achievement is that no one can take that away from me anymore. Not even me. I found my true self and I'm never letting that go away again. And if it happens then, it'll only be to find the better version of me. I felt so much sadness, such darkness that nothing else holds power over me anymore. There's only light, only love, only abundance, honesty and authenticity. No one can take that away from me. It is my power. I found my power. People spend many lifetimes to find themselves. I was able to do that in this life and so early in my life. It's only bliss from here and forever.

How do you motivate yourself daily?
Your being is always taking care of you. Not many know but the angels that people talk about who are taking care of us are literally us. You always find ways to keep going. I had a meek voice coming from inside of me every time I wanted to give up. That help is coming. There's always help. It comes till it comes when you help yourself. You have to believe in yourself and love and respect yourself so much. I learnt to let go of this notion that I have to feel better. I allowed it to consume me fully and then when it peaked it let go of me on its own. I just had to hang in there.

Are you a satisfied person today?
No. I'm a happy person. I'm a grateful person but I am not even near satisfied I want so much from life and in a very positive way I look forward to my every desire come to manifestation

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